Whenever a book publisher refuses to accept my hand-delivered unsolicited autobiography, I usually just squeeze it as hard as I can with my thighs...

so that it's easier to walk away with my tale between my legs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ May 03
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I’ve just received another rejection letter from a publisher regarding my autobiography.

That’s the story of my life

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
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How do you enter the Publisher's Clearinghouse?

You knock on the door

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πŸ‘€︎ u/byorderofthe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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As I thought, the publisher of my book called "Bio" wants me to change the name. It figures...

That's the story of my life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening

It's about Thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flashblazer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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I had a friend in the publishing industry who made calendars, but I had to end our friendship

He was always getting hung up on little things, and telling me that our days were numbered. I've turned the page.

I hear he's dating someone now though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/runawaj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
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It's 1905, and Albert Einstein has finally published his new space theory.

It's about time!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
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I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein published his Theory of Relativity.

It seems like just yesterday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14
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I recently got a new job!

A little bit of Background information:Β  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.Β Β  Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!Β  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.Β Β  However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.Β Β Β  The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!Β Β  My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.Β Β  I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.Β  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.Β Β  At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.Β Β Β  He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,Β  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.Β Β Β  I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.Β Β Β  Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!Β Β  Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!Β Β  At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.Β  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"Β  I never realized how freeing it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/terjulmar
πŸ“…︎ May 05
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I used to wonder why microsoft skipped windows 9

But I shouldn't be surprised.
After all, years back, Microsoft published ms-DOS without ever releasing an ms-UNO

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ May 02
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Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"

Me: "Word".

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KimJongEwww
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Scientists published a paper on grapes, consciousness and fruit rights.

It is basically all about raisin awareness.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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I just published a book on how to prevent skin injuries and minor burns.

It’s non friction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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What's the definition of publish?

To scrawl on a bar wall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddiflecting
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!

Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Take my Word
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zarhouni
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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I was intending to publish a book about the Black Death

Until I was accused of plaguerism.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nwgirlforever
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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A friend of mine offered me a piece of a pizza made out of a magazine that's no longer published. Hesitant at first, it turned out to be tasty!

It was a slice of Life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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To the person who stole my Microsoft office licence ,I will find you

You have my word

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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I offered to help publish a book of recipes for a local Indian food restaurant.

They made me sign a naan-disclosure agreement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NThruThe0utdoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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My local paper published an article about a gymnast who was dropped as a customer of our local bank.

She had outstanding balance.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joey_the_Duck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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If I ran a large department store, I would publish a huge catalogue of Christmas products and call it the "All I want for Christmas" issue.

And put Mariah Carey on the cover

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iplaymeinreallife
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I just published my first book of dad jokes...

... and dadicated it to my father.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
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ABCDEFGHIJKLMNQRSTUVWXYZ

If you came here looking for an OP, you got it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmyb55
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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I just published a book on The Dangers of Overreacting.

If you guys don’t buy it, I’ll burn everything down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
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Scientist publish sensational series of results from their habanero research

Referred to as the Red Hot Chili Papers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ehtBlackberry
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
A new book is published when..

.. an author has a novel idea.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VexedMackerel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Stephen King's son is Joe?

I'm not joking but he is.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/379447984
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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"I bought a self-published book from my friend that's truly awful," said my wife.

"That's mean," I replied. "I'm sure she's actually a nice person."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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Bill Nye has a daughter who doesn't believe in science.

Her name is Dee.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArshmanR
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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Y'all hear about the habitual liar who allegedly published a best-seller?

Everybody's buying it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megaletoemahs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2017
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I wrote a book about the most comfortable ways to sleep in a coffin.

They wouldn't publish it though, the publisher said that the intended audience was a dead market.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsNacho8000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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I found a recently published book by my favorite author, he’s been dead for years.

I have a feeling it was ghost written.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughthedragon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I wrote a story about a mundane, not-so-hideous monster.

My publisher said it was a mediogre work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/troy_lc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
So I wanted to publish my book on how to maximize storage usage in your kitchen.

But the publisher refused saying they could not publish illegal material. Stupid anti counter fitting laws.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2016
🚨︎ report
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.

From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?

Well, he sure doesn't want to be spotted

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/125bench
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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I heard a new book about domestic abuse was published

You should check it out, it's a big hit right now.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cratoreat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2016
🚨︎ report
my bf punned his first published article for a local newspaper. I thought y'all would enjoy blogs.miaminewtimes.com/c…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peluca
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2014
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I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought I’d come up with a great one.

But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/T33NW01F
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!

Dad: Damn son, it’s about time!

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Einstein to his Dad: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity just got published.

Dad: Nice, son. It is about time.

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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I can’t believe it’s been over a hundred years since Einstein’s Theory of Relativity was published.

It seems like just yesterday.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my Word.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oasishippie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my Word.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trailgumby
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
🚨︎ report

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