I hit a Homer.
Ahhh, the mammaries
Second to third. Because there's a shortstop in the middle.
That's just sixist.
I asked, 'Which is?'
'Exactly', he replied.
Noted researcher Rosemary Fuller was involved in a lab accident today. She's working on the theory that herb-based formulas can actually reverse or accelerate the aging process. Parsley, for example, has been shown to cause rapid aging, and recent efforts have shown good results with oregano-based anti-aging serums. Ms Fuller was, unfortunately, standing near a vat of simmering oregano serum when a nearby researcher nudged her and she fell in! It appeared at first that the anti-aging serum would cause her to de-age down to nothing. Now, though, it looks like she'll be all right. The Parsley's aged Rosemary in time.
I had a little mishap with a pruning saw in the yard and asked my wife to patch my finger up. She's a nurse, so I figured she'd dress my wound better than I could. She started off with cleaning up the cut with a betadine swab.
Wife: "This might sting a little bit."
Me: Yup. Yup that stings.
Wife: Sing a song. It'll take your mind off of it.
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to put on the red light,
Those days are over you don't have to sell your body to the night..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to wear that dress tonight,
Walk the streets for money you don't care if it's wrong or if it's right..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "You know who sings that, right?"
Wife: "Yeah, the Police."
Me: "Who and the Police?"
Wife: "Sting?"
Me: "Yes it does."
My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.
EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.
There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.
I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.
Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey stood nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all... hawk, lion and stinker.
They scan the room and approach the table of an available recruitment officer. "Hello gentlemen, please have a seat and we can begin." The two men sit in the chairs and pull up to the table. "Now," says the recruitment officer, "hopefully we can find employment for both of you based on your prior work experience. We have a wide variety of jobs available. I'll ask you some questions and we can go from there." The two men nod eagerly in agreement. The officer turns to the first man. "Can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a pilot," the man replies. "Oh, that's great," the officer exclaims, "I already know that we are definitely looking for pilots!" He takes some notes and turns to the second man. "And can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a wood cutter," the man says in reply. "Oh, dear," the officer says, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but we have don't have any positions like that. I'm afraid we can place your friend, but not you." "That's impossible!" the man sputters in disbelief. "I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do." says the officer. "We aren't currently looking for any wood cutters." "But that's insane!" the man shouts in frustration. "If I don't cut the wood, how is he supposed to pile it?"
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves"
... this wont translate via text im sure BUT. the other day i walked into my apartment with some flowers and was looking for a vase, my roommate says "ah, i have a solution!" and goes to pull a vase out of the cabinet, but theres a giant jug of vinegar in the way, so she pulls that out first, so I said "thats not a solution, thats a base"
My first born is due soon and so to prepare it for life with its father I wanted the first words it hears from me to be a pun. We don't know the sex yet so I need to have a back up plan.
Currently is if is male I am thinking of "It's aboy-t time you showed up". I am fairly happy with this but I am also open to suggestions. I still need either a genderless pun or girl based pun though.
We have recently been having problems with the plumbing, water draining very slowly etc. We tried different chemicals on different days to try and fix it before biting the bullet and getting someone clear them for us.
First day I started out with HCl and told my wife I was "going off to drop some acid." She groaned.
A few days later we switched to NaOH and I brushed my hair to the side and asked my wife if she liked my Skrillex impersonation. She told me it wasn't a very good impersonation. I said "hold your judgment for when I drop the base.".... She threatened me with a knife and told me to get out while laughing.
I want to start a series of short stories based around the first openly gay Persian King called 'Memoirs of a Gay Shah'.
Earlier my family was having a conversation about all the movies based on comic books that have been coming out. Later we were watching tv when a trailer for Exodus came on and this exchange happened.
Sister, "See it's not all comic book movies, some are based on the bible too."
Dad chimes in, "The world's first comic book."
My friend: You hear Jack got to 2nd base for the first time yesterday
Me: He must not be that good at baseball
My friend told me that my jokes were worse than his dad :(
The girl plays softball and had recently jad a game so he was talking to her about it:
Teacher: So what position do you play?
Student: I play first and second base and right field.
Teacher: Wow you must be really fast to play all of those positions in a game
Confusion and groans ring out among the students surrounding her and they proceed to stare at me as I chuckle in my seat.
"It's been fifteen years since you won your first championship, what is the biggest difference between then and now?"
"15 years probably"
Tim Duncan's the man Basing this off of memory, don't remember word for word actually
Tis the season for stories about the Grinch and Whoville. Last night my daughter, 10, asked why Dr. Seuss didn't write any more stories about Whoville, to which I replied that there was a story about their baseball team, but everyone played first base.
Watching the Chargers-Bengals game, one of the Bengals defensive linemen is named Gilberry.
My dad says, "If his first name was Din, he would be Din Gilberry." Followed by a solid 30 seconds of laughter.
He will make puns based on players names at least once every game.
I brought my car to the emissions check for Colorado. For those not aware, most information is based on the car, not the owner, so they don't really take any information from you when you first arrive. After my car was done getting its emissions tested, they called me from the waiting area. The lady opened the door and loudly called out "Oldsmobile!" I had to ask how she knew that was my name.
