Where do the corn dogs and pretzels go on a ship during an emergency?

The Mustard station.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hummuskitchen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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I called up Weight Watchers, told them there was an emergency and asked for them to send someone round!

Turns out they’ve got loads of them!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DantheMan350V2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Uh oh... Emergency: you brought me the wrong tool...

This is not a drill... I repeat, this is not a drill!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunetikPrugresiv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Taco emergency?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peanutbuttakong
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What number do rabbits call when they have an emergency?

9-bun-bun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/msboogers
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...

I was ready and wading!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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Pro Tip: If you have a gashed wound, it is cheaper to go to a comedy club than the emergency room.

You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cozykinkajou
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A chef cut himself and went to the emergency room...

The nurses patched him in triage and after a long wait, the doctor called him in. "You'll take about eight stitches and be on your way." The chef replied, "I can tell you're all very busy here, so just hand me the needle and I'll be on my way." The doctor looked by turns insulted, annoyed and dismissive.

"Fine then. Suture self."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarecrow53
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
This guy with a hammer kept screaming like it was an emergency...

This is not a drill! This is not a drill! STOP!

.

.

.

Hammer time!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConfidentDuck1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency...

I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Light_bulbnz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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A man should always carry a knife. It can cut your food, open beer bottles, be a screwdriver, or even be used as a toothpick. It works great for cleaning your fingernails, and it's quite useful in an emergency situation

like when you have to change someone's mind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail!

They called it a "Jury Summons."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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The Novel Coronavirus has become a worldwide health emergency

WHO cares

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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I think this woman I met on Tinder is having an emergency...

She keeps texting me and saying "Get over here RN"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hero_of_Thyme81
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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How do you stop your pig in a emergency?

You pull up the ham brakes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HotBizkitz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I always keep a Bieber container nearby for emergencies

Justin case

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πŸ‘€︎ u/v0xx0m
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
In case of emergency, break glass.

Why would I hurt myself in an emergency?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Psychegotical
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Before my operation last week, the nurse wanted to know if I could give them a contact number in case of an emergency...

I said, "911."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
It's an emergency
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomGamer12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Emergency!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/firemanjoe911
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
If there's an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party

You should go to Daenerys exit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CD_Johanna
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Pat Sajaks emergency surgery?

I guess he had to buy a bowel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AGBalazs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend was creating the world's longest string of hyphens when he had a family emergency...

He had to dash away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
After I brought home my last dog I ended up in the emergency room

Apparently I roverdosed myself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoomerB3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
We got an emergency here!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MonkeysLikeApples
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
🚨︎ report
You guys liked my previous post about my Dads pre-emergency surgery Dad joke...

Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/btsq5u/my_dad_will_be_telling_dad_jokes_till_the_end/

Well, I remembered something else he said once that I find hilarious (now) that you may also.

When I was a kid my chore was to do the dishes, by hand, after every meal bar holidays when I had help and the week of my birthday. One particular time, I must have been about 15 when I asked my Dad, Why don't we use the dishwasher, its easier and it's right next to me?

In the proud tradition of Dads before him he answered, We are using the dishwasher, now hurry up and quit complaining.

I laugh now in hindsight, and for some reason really enjoy doing dishes by hand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FloatyMcBoatface
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the Italian astronaut say during an emergency reentry?

Okay buckle in guys were pasta point of no return

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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β€œHello 911.” β€œWhat’s your emergency?” β€œThese men won’t stop laughing.” β€œThat’s annoying, but not a crime.”

β€œWtf is manslaughter then.”

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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My first date with an Emergency department nurse was...

A casual tea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I once knew a guy who drove me around places, and oddly enough he always kept 4 shoes in his car for emergencies.

He was my shoe-four.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/00feyOwch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Who takes a bivalve to the hospital in an emergency?

A clambulance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alvarortor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife was out for a run and said she had to take an emergency poop in the woods. I want to believe her...

But I think it's a load of crap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingnebwsu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My SO sprained her ankle last night. After a few hours waiting in the emergency room we were sent to the radiology for an X-Ray!

I told her to break a leg.

^(I just had to share this. For what it was worth, I made her smile, like an upset "I don't want to laugh at this moment, but I can't help it" kind of smile, and that's what counts. Luckily there were no fractured bones.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patrick_the_Saint
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do hospitals have emergency generators?

It seems to me they have enough emergencies there to begin with.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/THEJAZZMUSIC
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the emergency surgery to remove a neckbeard, scarf and fedora?

Doctors were pleased to announce the first ever successful hipsterectomy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OttawaCharlie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report
[Request] Looking for puns about "tubes"? My pun-loving friend just had emergency surgery to remove her Fallopian tube and I'd like to cheer her up!

Thanks in advance!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dar_Winning
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2016
🚨︎ report
COMMENCE EMERGENCY TOOL IDENTIFICATION PROTOCOL!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
🚨︎ report
There was an emergency when I used an impact driver to make a hole in the wall

It was not a drill

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yobababi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A man was rushed to the emergency room after several small plastic model horses were inserted in his rectum.

The doctors are now reporting his condition as "stable".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gurana
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
🚨︎ report
In queso emergency, please open a bag of tortilla chips.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimRockfordPI
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when too many dogs show up at the emergency room?

Roverdose

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithmcgreggor84
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
🚨︎ report
A sign says: move over for stationary emergency vehicles.

Dad says: what constitutes a stationary emergency? I'm out of letterhead and all my pencils are broken.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scipunk99
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2017
🚨︎ report
COMMENCING EMERGENCY TOOL IDENTIFICATION PROTOCOL

THIS IS NOT A DRILL

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
🚨︎ report

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