Where do the corn dogs and pretzels go on a ship during an emergency?
I called up Weight Watchers, told them there was an emergency and asked for them to send someone round!
Turns out they’ve got loads of them!
Uh oh... Emergency: you brought me the wrong tool...
This is not a drill... I repeat, this is not a drill!
What number do rabbits call when they have an emergency?
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
Pro Tip: If you have a gashed wound, it is cheaper to go to a comedy club than the emergency room.
You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.
A chef cut himself and went to the emergency room...
The nurses patched him in triage and after a long wait, the doctor called him in. "You'll take about eight stitches and be on your way." The chef replied, "I can tell you're all very busy here, so just hand me the needle and I'll be on my way." The doctor looked by turns insulted, annoyed and dismissive.
"Fine then. Suture self."
This guy with a hammer kept screaming like it was an emergency...
This is not a drill! This is not a drill! STOP!
.
.
.
Hammer time!
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency...
I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
A man should always carry a knife. It can cut your food, open beer bottles, be a screwdriver, or even be used as a toothpick. It works great for cleaning your fingernails, and it's quite useful in an emergency situation
like when you have to change someone's mind.
My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail!
They called it a "Jury Summons."
The Novel Coronavirus has become a worldwide health emergency
I think this woman I met on Tinder is having an emergency...
She keeps texting me and saying "Get over here RN"
How do you stop your pig in a emergency?
You pull up the ham brakes
I always keep a Bieber container nearby for emergencies
In case of emergency, break glass.
Why would I hurt myself in an emergency?
Before my operation last week, the nurse wanted to know if I could give them a contact number in case of an emergency...
If there's an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
Did you hear about Pat Sajaks emergency surgery?
I guess he had to buy a bowel.
My friend was creating the world's longest string of hyphens when he had a family emergency...
After I brought home my last dog I ended up in the emergency room
Apparently I roverdosed myself
We got an emergency here!
You guys liked my previous post about my Dads pre-emergency surgery Dad joke...
Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/btsq5u/my_dad_will_be_telling_dad_jokes_till_the_end/
Well, I remembered something else he said once that I find hilarious (now) that you may also.
When I was a kid my chore was to do the dishes, by hand, after every meal bar holidays when I had help and the week of my birthday. One particular time, I must have been about 15 when I asked my Dad, Why don't we use the dishwasher, its easier and it's right next to me?
In the proud tradition of Dads before him he answered, We are using the dishwasher, now hurry up and quit complaining.
I laugh now in hindsight, and for some reason really enjoy doing dishes by hand.
What did the Italian astronaut say during an emergency reentry?
Okay buckle in guys were pasta point of no return
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was...
I once knew a guy who drove me around places, and oddly enough he always kept 4 shoes in his car for emergencies.
Who takes a bivalve to the hospital in an emergency?
My wife was out for a run and said she had to take an emergency poop in the woods. I want to believe her...
But I think it's a load of crap.
My SO sprained her ankle last night. After a few hours waiting in the emergency room we were sent to the radiology for an X-Ray!
I told her to break a leg.
^(I just had to share this. For what it was worth, I made her smile, like an upset "I don't want to laugh at this moment, but I can't help it" kind of smile, and that's what counts. Luckily there were no fractured bones.)
Why do hospitals have emergency generators?
It seems to me they have enough emergencies there to begin with.
Did you hear about the emergency surgery to remove a neckbeard, scarf and fedora?
Doctors were pleased to announce the first ever successful hipsterectomy.
[Request] Looking for puns about "tubes"? My pun-loving friend just had emergency surgery to remove her Fallopian tube and I'd like to cheer her up!
COMMENCE EMERGENCY TOOL IDENTIFICATION PROTOCOL!
There was an emergency when I used an impact driver to make a hole in the wall
A man was rushed to the emergency room after several small plastic model horses were inserted in his rectum.
The doctors are now reporting his condition as "stable".
In queso emergency, please open a bag of tortilla chips.
What do you call it when too many dogs show up at the emergency room?
A sign says: move over for stationary emergency vehicles.
Dad says: what constitutes a stationary emergency? I'm out of letterhead and all my pencils are broken.
COMMENCING EMERGENCY TOOL IDENTIFICATION PROTOCOL
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