I need as many puns/jokes involving the name Emma as possible. I realize this isn't exactly what this sub is for, but I am desperate.
I always wish people happy birthday with a pun. For example, "have a SARAHmazing birthday!" However, now I need a birthday pun based off the name "Louise." I have been pondering this for days, and I simply can't think of anything. I wish I could give you her last name to help with the punning process, but that would obviously not be a good idea
I've been out to at least 40 different bars since then, but no one seems to carry that brand. Anyone know where to find it?
You better use a Penn & Teller
To the lone wolf
We need to solve it quickly. Send for Det. Urgent
A plumber is finishing up his last job of the day when he gets a call from his dispatcher to install a water heater. He argues, but the dispatcher says everyone else has gone home and it’s marked as urgent. The plumber concedes the argument and says “It’s a tankless job, but somebody’s gotta do it”
Obi wan: Okay Anakin, answer this. Imagine, I am on a planet, very far away from yours. And I was out of range of all forms of communication.
Anakin: Okay...and?
Obi wan: And there was an urgent message, that you had to send me. How would you send it, when no messaging service would get to me?
Anakin: Simple. I would send it with sand. It gets everywhere.
An urgent tina
My girlfriend was really sick and the doctors said she urgently needed a blood transfusion. They asked me what her blood type was, but I had no idea. I frantically tracked my brain, trying to remember if she'd told me. She must have sensed my panic, because she looked up at me and with her final breath said, "Be positive. Be positive" She's right, though I will miss her.
This sub is off-limits to you according to your own sub.
So the joke's on you.
About halfway through the valley, drumbeats started rolling from the mountains around them. Everyone in the party was confused, but the local guides started to panic.
"We HAVE to get out of here by sundown, OR ELSE".
The explorer orders his men to pick up the pace, and keep moving. A couple hours later, The drums start beating more and more frantically. Again, the guides say: "Keep moving, WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE".
A bit later, the men hear horns echoing from the hills.
The explorer asks his guides: "what was that?"
They respond: "theres no time, we need to be out BEFORE SUNDOWN, we only have a few hours!!!".
Exasperated, the explorer asks "Why? What could be so urgent? And why do we have to get out by sundown?".
The guides reply, "at sundown, the bagpipe solo starts!"
A director and a costume designer had a disagreement over a critical shot in the horror movie they were filming in their studio.
The director planned to use CGl for a brief but critical reveal-shot of the movie's monster. But the costume designer insisted they use an actual costume instead of CGl.
"CGl makes a movie look cheap these days," she proclaimed.
The two of them continued debating until they began arguing. The stage crew, actors on break, and other people around them began watching until both the costume designer and director were shouting over each other at the top of their lungs. Despite their efforts, nobody could calm them down.
Fearing the incident may lead to blows, one of cameramen called a studio security guard in urgent request. The guard arrived a minute later and made a beeline for the director and costume designer, who were being held back by multiple people on set.
"lt's my movie. l make the decisions!" the director hollered, hoarse and red in the eyes.
"The movie quality will suffer!" the costume designer screamed, hair plastered across her sweaty face.
The security guard stepped in-between them and raised his pistol at the ceiling without a word. They continued to argue around him. There was a bark of gunshot, then nothing but silence and some falling plaster.
"Now see here," the guard said loudly, stepping back to look at the two of them. "Either you two quit your bickering or l'll have to escort you off the premises. You're making a scene."
The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.
The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.
Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.
“So as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began.
“Please, call me Max”
“Alright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?”
“No that’s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, “I’m sure it’ll be a brief case.”
Managed to keep my wits about me at the urgent care after nearly taking my finger off with an axe this afternoon...
"Doctor, I know this is bad, but am I going to be able to play the piano after you fix me up?"
"Oh yes, it doesn't look like you've damaged the muscle too badly"
"Well that's just excellent; I was never able to play it before!"
I think I'm lucky he finished my stitches...
(We just found out that we're expecting our first child, which made it all the more urgent for me to begin practicing my craft)
Gf writes up list.
On said list: "Some fruit like bananas."
Me: "So...did you want the strawberry-like bananas, the orange-like bananas, the grape-like bananas-
She rolled her eyes so hard they nearly got away.
I went in to urgent care after messing my ankle up
Doc: So, what happened?
Me: I was playing basketball and went up for a board. I landed on someone's foot and now I'm here
Doc [deadpan]: Why was there a board above the court?
I laughed my ass off. His assistant failed to see the humor
I work in an urgent care center. A patient signed in for a stuffy nose for 2 days. They asked how long the wait was and I said about 15 mins, the person rolled their eyes and walked out. I let the physician know that they walked out. She said "That's always good for their health" I said "Well they were my favorite kind of patient."
I'm a bit under the weather today, with, um... 'tummy troubles'. When I got my son to his Cub Scout meeting today, I had to urgently use the restroom.
It's a thin door, and right during the part of the Scout Oath where they declare: "I will do my duty...", it happened. Very, very loudly.
They all stopped mid-sentence, and I heard my son yell: "My dad just did his doody!" To the 9-year-old mind, there's nothing better than bathroom humor. Would have been nice if the other parents weren't laughing, too, when I exited...
