Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
What do you say when three wise men you don't know show up unannounced?
What do you call a person who gets mad when they don’t have bread?
If you don't pay your exorcist
Don't you just hate it when you give someone a sincere compliment on their moustache.
Then she suddenly stops talking to you.
Don’t be worried about your iPhone and laptop spying on you
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I was joking with my husband that I’m such an obedient wife. He said, “You don’t know the first thing about obedience.” I said, “It starts with an O.”
He said, “Wrong. It starts with a ‘Yes’.”
You don't want to be a chimney sweep with me?
Alright then, soot yourself.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you didn't notice.
If you tell dad jokes but you don't have any kids...
You don't have a living room
Because it doesn't breathe
To shed light on the chaos of living with eczema/dermatitis... I present to you: The Itchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy! Don't forget to bring your towel :)
itchhikersguide.weebly.co…
Do you know why they don't send donkeys to school?
Nobody likes a smart ass.
My dad's favorite to a smart-ass kid
If you don’t believe in religious visionaries, does that make you a not-for-prophet?
Since this is vital to my social welfare, maybe I could be a 501(c)(4)?
If you ever receive any emails about canned meat, don’t open them..
Why don't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'll let it go.
My 9yr old son said this and got a good giggle from us parents.
A horse walks into a pub and orders a pint. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, do you think you may be an alcoholic?” The horse replies , “I don’t think I am” and disappears from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes’ famous philosophy of ‘I think, therefore I am’ but to explain that before the rest of the joke is to put Descartes before the horse.
How do you make sure you don't lose in a race against vegetables?
Make sure you at least get ahead of lettuce...
If you don't like me...
You should get tested. One of the symptoms of covid is no taste.
I saw this somewhere yesterday and had to share.
What happens if you don't pay the exorcist??
You get repossessed.
(Thanks to my 12 year old daughter for this one!)
If you don't believe in autocorrect...
You go straight to he'll.
I don't know, I hear Germans' skepticism of nuclear power, but don't you think they are just...
What's the one kind of flower you DON'T want to get on Valentine's Day?
Cauliflower!
(told by my nephew, so so proud of him!)
I asked my wife a suggestion for an exercise routine and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said, “That sounds like a big step.”
If you get an email from me about canned meat, don't open it......
Don’t ever blame anyone for what side of the road you’re on..
A woman was sipping a glass of wine while relaxing with her husband... "I love you so much, she said, I don't know how I could live without you:
Her husband asked, "is that you or the wine talking"?
She replied "it's me, talking to the wine"
If you want a good vacation, don't tie your shoes
Don't let your Pokemon in the bathroom while you're taking a shower
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie...
Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Puzzled, the teller asks, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber yells, “Don’t change the subject!"
I don’t like reddit I shouldn’t have joined… I guess you could say I
If you suffer from schizophrenia, don’t worry.
Do you know why we don't talk about Bruno?
Because we sing about him.
I’ve seen my share of there, their, they’re mistakes but you don’t ever see very/vary.
I guess those kinds of mistakes don’t very vary often.
I don’t know if you’ve heard of these machines which tell you if it’s safe to have another drink or not…
Cash point machines I think they’re called.
The greatest Dad joke ever told: so Moses goes to the top of the mountain and God presents himself and his glory to Moses via the burning bush. Moses is confused though and says to the heavenly father "I'm bewildered, I don't know what to call you?"
So God says to him "Hi Bewildered, I AM".
Did you know they don't get any hi-def signals in South Dakota?
What happens if you don’t pay your exorcism bill?
You get repossessed…
Edit: Credit: Fozzie Bear - Muppets Haunted Mansion
Did you know that Tesla's don't have a "new car" smell?
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it 🦛🤣
I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t trust marine biologists
Something about them feels…… fishy
Why don't you tell pigs secrets?
In space you don't get hemorrhoids...
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist
What happens if you don’t pay your exorcism bill?
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