Don't let your guard down
A lumberjack was just about to chop down a tree when, miraculously, the tree said, "don't chop me down! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack stepped back and said, "really? well, you'll die a log."
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
NASA put a watch around a potted plant and sent it on a rocket to the sun. I said to my Daughter, "don't worry, it will be ok.."
"a watched pot never boils"
Don't let your guard down.
My 8yo daughter made me proud and came up with this: I don't get why pirates go around on boats...
They should be in the arrrrmy
If you are offended by my dad jokes, don’t get mad and ask me to go to the artificial excavation filled with water.
What watches over a castle when the sun goes down?
One day all mathematical signs gathered together in order to go into an adventure. Right before they were leaving, they didn't let the equal sign go with them.
They wanted to live an adventure without equal
I don't let my kids go online. There's too many PDF files on there!
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
The sky looked a bit foreboding this morning, so I asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?" Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley."
I must have left my phone in Airplane mode.
Why don’t pirates go to the movies?
They would rather pirate them
Because of the covid-19 lockdowns, every morning for the past year, I announce proudly to my family that I’m going for a jog… and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
Why didn't the sun go to college?
It already has like a million degrees!
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I put on 30 jackets one on top of the other, someone calls me and asks me to go out, I said I can’t ...
Don’t ever go to the local mountains and try to rent skis.
You can only get snowbored.
When the Mrs. could tell I was in the mood, she immediately let me know that tonight wasn’t going to happen.
She said: “Not tonight. Period.”
My wife said, “I don’t really understand the science behind human cloning.”
I said, “That makes two of us.”
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.
She is infringing on my right to bear arms.
Why does the Sun insist on going down at the end of the day?
I got let go from the dairy farm.
Apparently I don't work well with udders.
My buddy keeps asking me to blow cool air on him when he gets hot, and I don’t like it.
I don’t really mind sitting on the left or right of a rowing boat.
If you are thinking of settling down, here’s some advice: Don’t date soccer players.
There’s only a 1/11 chance that they’re a keeper.
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
Being a parent is hard - my son won't ever let me have a good night's sleep; so when my wife came home the other day and asked why I was so red...
I told her I was just completely sunburnt
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
Mom: "The line was too long, I wasn't going to wait" Me: "Well I have patience, something that you don't"
Dad: "She works at a doctor's office, of course she has patients"
Last week I was on the edge of a cliff, holding on to a box full of shredded cheese. I loved that box, but I knew I had to let it go. I didn’t want to...
But it was for the grater good
Don't go to fast foods in America they are scamming us.
My kids meal didn't include any kids.
I remember when I left home for the first time, my mum said to me, "Don't forget to write!"
I thought to myself, 'That's unlikely,Its a basic skill, why should I?"
My wife was a captain in the Army Reserve. She told me she had a promotion and asked me to attend the ceremony. I don’t know much about the Army,
...but I understand this promotion was a major ordeal.
I meant to cross post it but I don’t know why I cannot cross post so here is the screenshot version
...never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around...
I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.
She thinks that I'm a keeper.
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to gather wood. As he found the perfect tree to cut down, he began sharpening his axe, and the tree exclaimed, “NO! Don’t chop me down! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack responded, “And you will dialogue.”
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
I told my daughter when she was whining to me about her new boyfriend... ‘Don’t complain about the road you’re on right now’
Don't know if this was posted here before
Don't blame others for the road you're on
Whatever you do, don't look at the sun through a colander...
You will strain your eyes
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