And now they have cameras.
It was a small price toupee.
“Fifty dollar bills.”
Everything was a bock!
...I heard the cops are now looking for iWitnesses
I said boy I can’t turn this down.
Loonie Bins!
I asked for something specific.
There was no cents to that.
Dad: Yeah sure, bring me back a couple bucks.
Everyone in the room groans.
(where everything is a dollar):
Dad: "Price check in aisle 3"
His dad takes him to an exotic pet store, where they see a big, hairy spider. The father asks how much it costs. “That’s fifty dollars,” the clerk replies.
“Fifty bucks!” the dad exclaims. “Forget that, I’ll just find a cheap one off the web.”
Went to the bird store today Went to the cage section and one caught my eye. It was way over priced and all It had was a penny, dime, quarter half dollar in it. I asked why it was so much?
The manager said because it was a nickel-less cage.
Buy a deck of cards.
I took my piggy bank to the five and dime store and they told me they didn't take any thing under a dollar...
A policy like that just makes no cents...
I just got a new thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it’s also... terrible.
I said to my son “I’m going to open one of those stores, but it’s going to be called a dollar seven store.”
While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground. Ecstatic, he took the money and walked into a nearby store, thinking he would treat himself. Inside, he purchased a large chocolate cake and started walking home. Suddenly, a crazy old man popped out of an alley next to him and ran straight past him! As he went by, he dropped a mechanical eyeball straight into the middle of the cake. Dazed, the man stopped and stared at the eyeball when it suddenly started to belt out a tune!
Well, obviously the best part of this story was the finding of the 100 dollars - everything else is just eye sing on the cake.
So a frog walks into a bank, and up to one of the tellers, a young woman by the name of Patricia Wakk. He says to her, he says, “Miss Wakk, my name is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and I’d like to take out a loan. I make porcelain elephants,” he says, pulling one out from his pocket, “and I’d like to open a store down on Main Street selling them. I just need a few thousand dollars to buy the shop. Can you help me out?”
Now, Patricia doesn’t normally deal in small business loans, so she’s unsure on the proper protocol involved, so she calls over her manager and explains the situation to him, explaining Kermit’s family ties and showing him the elephant, to which her manager replies,
“It’s a knick-nack, Patty Wakk, give the frog a loan! His old man’s a rolling stone.”
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡My dad walks into poundland to buy one item and pays with one pound and then turns to the cashier and says "keep the change" and walks out the shop all smug.
So there was this hitman named Arti, renown for his very affordable prices. One day, he gets 3 contracts. He follows them around, keeping track of their daily habits, and finds that each of them go to the the grocery store after work at the same time.
Planning to get all 3 at once, he makes him move and like always, was extremely successful.
The next day, the headlines read, "Arti Chokes 3 for a dollar at Safeway"
An older gentleman stops at a gas station to fill his tires up with some air. He looks at the pump and is shocked it costs a dollar to use! He goes into the store to get change, and says to the attendant, "The air pumps use to be free to use, I can't believe they cost a dollar now!" The attendant looks at and say, " What can I say, inflation."
So there was a murderer and his name was Ardy. His last name was too long and complicated and everyone knew him in town, so everyone called him "Ardy". One of his buddies asked him to kill this guy for $3000 and after Ardy did a bit of research, he realized he knew him and had a grudge against him for years. So Ardy told the guy: "I hate this guy so much, I'll kill him for free."
Ardy's buddy said "Are you sure? I gotta give you something!"
So Ardy said, "Ok ok. I'll do it for a dollar."
The next morning, the guy was at Meijer (A grocery store) and Ardy came up behind him and choked him with his scarf. When he was done killing him, there was a woman screaming at him to stop. So Ardy had to choke her with his scarf too. After that, he ran to his car and there was an old man watching him, so Ardy went over and choked him too. In the middle of killing the old man, the police pulled up and arrested Ardy. After a bit of interrogation, Ardy admitted to killing all of them, and especially the first guy for only a dollar.
The next morning, the headlines read:
Ardy Chokes 3 for a Dollar at Meijer
We stopped at a dollar store to pick up a few items, and I parked in front of the store next to a handicap stall. I noticed the handicap stall was the same width as a regular parking stall, to which I remarked, "That's not really a convenient parking stall as there's no space for the handicap person to maneuver." My wife replied, "Ya, that's not very handy!"
Visual reference http://i.imgur.com/hM8a1kP.jpg
A man was very unhappily married and tired of being in debt. So he figured out a way to resolve both of his problems with ease. He started by taking out a life insurance policy on his wife, naming himself as the sole beneficiary. Then, he spoke to a friend, who had a friend, who knew a guy who made people "disappear". He met with the gentleman, Artie, and they set up the plot to murder his wife. Artie said it would only be $5,000, but he wanted it upfront. The man, not having much money, opened his wallet and showed Artie the lone one dollar bill. Reluctantly, Artie took the dollar as a down payment. A few days later, Artie followed the wife into a grocery store, and back to the deli section. There was no one else around, so Artie took the opportunity to strangle her to death. Just as he was laying her body down, the manager walked out to witness this scene. Not wanting to leave any witnesses, Artie murdered the manager as well. Unbeknownst to Artie, the store's security witnessed all of this unfold from the hidden cameras around the store. By the time the manager was dead, the police had arrived and arrested Artie. The following day, the front page of the local newspaper read, "Artie Chokes Two For One Dollar at Your Hometown Grocery Store!"
What you need to know: We have a grocery store called Dominick's.
Artie and Dominick grew up in the same neighborhood and were best friends. But after highschool, they parted ways.
20 years later, they bump into each other on the street and the friends have a happy reunion. They talk about their lives after they left their old neighborhood. Dominick is a very wealthy lawyer and Artie is a mobster. Artie turns to Dominick and says "If you need anything at all, I'll get it for ya. Just ask."
Dominick :Well there is one thing... Artie: Anything. Dominick: Well I can't stand my wife. Could you get rid of her? Artie: Of course! Dominick: Wait! You're my friend, I gotta pay you for this. Artie: I can't take your money. Dominick: I have to give you something! Artie: Fine, give me a dollar.
So Dominick hands him a dollar and tells Artie when he'll be at work. The next day, Artie slips into the house and strangles the wife but as soon as her body hits the ground, the maid walks in. So Artie strangles her too, but as soon as her body hits the ground, the butler walks in. Artie strangles the butler and then the police burst in.
The next day in the papers, the head line reads: "Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar at Dominick's"
The end. My dad was saying the other day he won't be able to tell that joke anymore because Dominick's (the store) is closing where we live.
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wall-mart grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Wall-mart."
I'd been saving up change that I got from eating lunch at my university, and I had at least 20 dollars in coins. I stored them inside of a watch container my dad gave me along with one of his old watches for my last birthday, and he was pretty sentimental about it. When I got home that day, I couldn't find it, and asked my dad for help. He told me "You can't find that watch container ? Have you no cents?"
My Dad: Where did you get the balloons?
Me: Grocery store unfortunately - the Dollar Store doesn't sell helium balloons anymore cause the price of helium keeps going up.
My Dad: Isn't that what it's supposed to do?
Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.
The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.
Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.
For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.
On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.
Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.
Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken
... keep reading on reddit ➡"I have to buy sponges over at the dollar store."
"That's a cost we can absorb."
Guess I should have her pick up a pregnancy test, too.
I just got a job at a power tool and machinery supply store, on my first day (Thursday) I was hanging out around the cash sorting exacto-knives and one of my coworkers is assisting a customer with the purchase of a drill. They're comparing two drills online, one is $149.99 and the other is $159.99.
Customer: So what is the difference between the two drills?
Me: About ten dollars.
heh. hehehehehe.
We decided to go to the local dollar tree to get a few binders and notebooks
"We aren't supposed to go in the store, it's against our religion"
"Why's that?"
"It is idollartree"
Earlier today I accompanied my dad to the grocery store. Eventually, my dad made his way to the deli in the store and ordered two pounds of bologna. When he was rung up, his total was almost 3 dollars. I don't eat bologna, but I presumed that was high when my dad suddenly exclaimed, "That's a bunch of baloney!" and chuckled to himself. My conformist dad bought it anyways.
I asked the guy at the store if he could break a hundred dollar bill. He said sure no problem. I then asked if I could have the pieces. Blank look ensued
I started working at a jewelry store two weeks ago. I just turned 24, and one of my new co-workers is about 50 years old and repairs jewelry that customers bring. He is a master of dad jokes.
- One day, I was windexing our glass displays.
Him: I recently started getting the urge to take my clothes off and run around all over the place. My buddy told me to try drinking Windex. It prevents streaking.
- Another time, it was almost closing time and we were getting bored.
Him: A man was walking his Great Dane and saw a pub. He said, "I'll go have me a drink or two," and tied the dog up outside.
A little while later another man comes in the pub and says, "Sir, is that your Great Dane out there? My dog just killed it."
"What kind of dog do you have?!"
"Chihuahua."
"You're telling me a chihuahua killed my dog?"
"Yea, he got stuck about right here." grabbing his throat
- Lastly, we were bored yet again at the end of another day, and he came up to me and another worker and says, "Did one of you lose a big wad of twenty dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?"
We looked at one another confused. "... No."
"Oh, because I had some good news... I found the rubber band." holding up a runner band
I like my new job.
It said a guy killed some people in a grocery store the other day, and only did it for a dollar:
Arti chokes 3 for $1
MURDER AT COSTCO STORE
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this.........)
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 Costco
