I pulled a muscle while digging up gold

It's just a miner injury

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crimsonangel68
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I caught a bunch of social justice warriors in my yard digging up large wooden stakes

They said the posts had to be removed before they caused a fence

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoorKidstoys
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you stop a new puppy from digging up your lawn?

Hide its shovel

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billy_tables
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did Drake dig up and mash potatoes with a rock at the same time?

Tubers, one stone.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vladipus223
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Not a dad, but my neighbor who is a dad was proud of me for this one. He was helping me dig up trees and I turned to him upset and said:

Wow you just left me with a bunch of Ash-holes in my yard.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tataku999
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Which pirates dig up the treasure?

Arrrrchaeologists

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamePlayXtreme
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?

A barkeologist

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahmeda97
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend wanted to dig up my ex girlfriend.

But that's a can of worms I don't want to open again.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomtom547
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat

Now she's a shovel

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelveyrocks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I buy all my guns from a guy named "T-Rex"

He's a small arms dealer

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2016
🚨︎ report
How do you catch an elephant?

You dig a really big hole and fill it with ashes. You line up peas around the edge. When an elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CASchryver
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Can you imagine if your dog was an undercover reporter?

They’d be able to dig up so much dirt on you.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamAptor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Never marry an archaeologist

They're always digging up the past.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rey_lumen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A sore neck was the inspiration for my wife and I to make up this joke together...

A man was telling his friend that his neck was sore. His friend asked him, β€œwhat happened”? The man said that varmints had been tearing up his yard and that he had been spending hours digging through the dirt trying to repair the damage. His friend says, β€œgo for massage and that should take care of the problem”.

A couple of days pass and the two meet up again. The friend asked the man, β€œhow did it go?” The man says, β€œwell, I have to tell you, they are hard to catch, but once you get ahold of them and get started, those gophers sure seem to like their massage”.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdinmd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A man and his fence.

One day a man looks out his window and finds one of his fence posts dug up and put in the ground somewhere else.

For the next couple of days this continues on but with a new fence post.

Yesterday was the last straw, so the men sat on his balcony all night to see who the culprit was.

Sure enough at 2am a couple of teenagers show up and get ready to dig up another fence post.

Man: "you goddamn teenagers! Stop digging up old posts and reposting them!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
2 archaeologist are looking for proof of prehistoric man

After a few hours of digging, one of the archaeologist bursts out laughing, the other one asks, "what's so funny?" The archaeologist stops laughing holds up an arm and says "well, I found this humerus"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFridge6
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Valet at Disney hotel got me twice.

I called down from my room to have my car brought around. Valet Scott answered the phone and asked for my ticket number. I said "one second" and he goes "One thousand one. TIMES UP!".

I chuckled, and continued digging through my wallet. After a moment I said "Just bear with me"

He immediately goes "ROAAAAAR!!"

πŸ‘︎ 514
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2015
🚨︎ report
How to catch an elephant:

1 - Dig a huge hole, big enough for an elephant.

2 - Light a giant wood fire in the hole and let it burn out completely.

3 - Set peanuts out around the edge of the hole as bait.

4 - When an elephant starts eating the bait, quickly run up behind him and kick him in the ash hole!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SummonerSpell
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do gravediggers make really good detectives?

Because they do nothing but dig up plots and they know where all the bodies are buried.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Newt24
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I work at a restaurant as a bartender/server...

And a guy ordered a medium rare sirloin for lunch. Once everyone got their food, I gave them a few minutes to dig in, and then went to check how they all were doing. Here's how it went.

Me: Hi guys, is everyone still doing well over here? (Pause to turn to the guy with the steak)...Or should I say medium rare ehh?? finger guns and chuckles

Guys: silence. Complete silence

Me: cracks up at my own stupid joke and walks away with no shame, leaving them in awe of my greatness

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkelsey4610
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
🚨︎ report
This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
🚨︎ report
My son struck dad joke gold, caught us both by surprise

My son is 14 but he still picks his nose. A lot. He also eats it after. A lot. Grosses me out to the extreme, so I rib him about it hoping he'll stop, even using bribery, but no progress yet.

A couple of nights ago I saw him doing it again out of the corner of my eye, then he suddenly got up and ran into the kitchen for a napkin. Yup, bloody nose, no surprise there.

"Find what you were digging for?" I asked him.

"No," he says. "I was digging for gold but struck oil."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akambe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Just hit my girlfriend with one.

We had just finished setting up the tree, and she went through the ornaments picking out the ones she liked so I just went and sat on the couch.

While digging through the ornaments she came across a Nativity Scene ornament and exclaimed "Oh no! Jesus is missing!" to which I replied "Don't worry, just check again in three days."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
🚨︎ report
Two Dads in a Semi

Riding down the road with a co-worker, I happen to see a "Sale" flag next to a cemetery advertising a land auction.

Me: "Hey look, the cemetery's having a sale. Wanna pick up a few cold ones?"

Other dad: "That's a sale people are dying for."

Me: "They had to put up a fence to keep to keep them out."

Other dad: "They were really digging it. Doesn't look like they have any takers though."

Me: "I bet there were a few under-takers."

We laughed for the next mile.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimrob4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2014
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked my mum today

Mum (referring to the garden): "I'm going to continue digging up those beds if anyone would like to help."

Me: "that depends; are they twin-sized or full?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BruleMD
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Learned this from my dad: How do you catch a tiger?

There are a number of ways to catch a tiger, but following these simple steps will guarantee success:

  1. Dig a huge hole in the middle of the forest.
  2. Fill the hole half way up with ashes.
  3. Take some frozen peas, and put them all around the edge of the hole.
  4. Wait.
  5. When the tiger comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
🚨︎ report
Vulgar Dad/Uncle Joke

This was told to me by my father's older brother but thought it belongs here.

I repeated this as a 7 year old during Christmas dinner to everyone.

A penguin was driving along in the desert when all of the sudden his engine begin smoking. Luckily there was a mechanic shop near by so he dropped his car off. The mechanic said it will be an hour or two. The penguin decides to wonder around the small town and sees a grocery store. To beat the heat he heads to the frozen section and hops in the ice cream cooler. He sees a tub of his favorite vanilla ice cream so he opens it up and digs in. Two hours go by and he hops out of the cooler and heads back to the shop to pick up his car. The mechanic say "You blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and say "Oh no it's vanilla ice cream."

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swimfan09
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
🚨︎ report
Minor joke

In the car with my brother and parents, heading out to a restaurant. Brother brings up a ski trip we're going on...

Brother: "I'm probably going to take it easy for the first day or two. Ski a couple blue squares, just do some minor things-"

Dad: "Dig for gold?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xMrChuckles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2014
🚨︎ report
But Daddy, I don’t want to see Grandma!

Shut up and keep digging.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J4q404
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad deciding which Archeology Masters to do:

"I'm going to go and dig up some info"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalumMoo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2016
🚨︎ report

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