Depending on your golf handicap you can move your tee forwards or backwards

Move it too far forward and it becomes a birdie tee.

Too far back and it becomes a bogey tee

Get it just right?

Now that's a party.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Thought of a good one while at work today (slightly morbid depending on your outlook)

I work in the claims department at a life insurance company. A recent addition to our department mentioned that she had an insured who died from a bowel obstruction. I couldn't help but say: "Sounds like a real shitty way to go..."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/three-eyed-crow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Depending on your date format, if you worked yesterday you could claim to be working twentyfour/seven.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/torb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2015
🚨︎ report
Can I claim an Eastern European exchange student as a dependent to reduce my income below the phaseout threshold?

I’m hoping to get a stimulus Czech.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CombatCarlsHand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the most co-dependent of all the pastas?

Cannelloni

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PiousZenLufa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Our city’s main reservoir leaked and now water supply is dependent on a network of bores

Which to be honest I think is a pretty mean way to refer to our city council, however dull they may be.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I rely on hotels so much,

I've actually become quite inn-dependent.

πŸ‘︎ 676
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A dependable friend :)
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gaeboomering
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you depend on crustaceans?

They're shellfish.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oneidamojo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Caveman 1: "I've heard that a dinosaur won't hurt me if I carry a club. Is that true?"

Caveman 2: "That depends on how fast you carry the club."

(Yes, I'm aware of the anachronisms.)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are calculators so dependable?

Because you can always count on them

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Expensive balloons
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeWhoHonks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I built a catapult that can send a human from the USA all the way to Africa

What country you end up in depends on the Angola approach

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?

In a dad-a--base

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ht-18
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.

He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.

πŸ‘︎ 871
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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This just happened like 2 minutes ago and my dad is creased at himself

My mam saw a channel on the telly called the Deja Vu channel so she asked my dad what it was.

He replied with β€˜I’m not sure but I swear I’ve seen it before’

He’s now pissing himself laughing and mam doesn’t get it

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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My wife and I were shopping for clothes at the department store when she asked, "Do you prefer boxers or briefs?"

I replied, "Depends."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mano_Trueno
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Is life worth living ?

It depends upon the liver.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyborg_robot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are horses such consistent and dependable voters ?

They always vote "Neigh".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SunsetDonuts
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder

Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.

"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."

"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."

The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."

πŸ‘︎ 263
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
If Santa had any kids, that would make them dependent clauses.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FabuPineapple
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What part of a syringe is the most dependant of the other parts?

The need-le.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Lazy Christmas morning, my wife is looking at the weather, says there will be periods of rain today.

I say, Damn! Do they make a pad for that? Without a pause, she says: Depends

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flylink63
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottdavies86
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.

It's all well now.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Veni
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
🚨︎ report
My kid just told me I looked different with my glasses on

I thought that was the whole point of them.

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thumbtackthief
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Is it appropriate to call a sitting president diaperdon?

Depends

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holymolybreath
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.

That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrfantastic123r
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?

It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dennyitlo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How many degrees does a circle have?

Depends on how long it’s been in school.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/turbo8891
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I was telling my friend Ted about a drug dependent acquaintance, who always comes off as rude. I told my friend:

β€œHe is a dick, Ted.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Inkuu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Cutting in front of a Volkswagen on the highway

more like en passat

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robotreader
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
"Hey Superman, are you a part of a gang?"

"Several, actually, depending on the day. I'm a kryptonight."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie-narwhals
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day somebody asked me if I liked the office

I told them It depends on how much work I have pending

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Finikkin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you know if a dog is male or female?

Stroke its head.

If he wags his tail, it's male.

If she wags her tail, it's female.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pur__0_0__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to catch fog once,

I mist

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarpeSkiem
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Mask Jokes

Me: Your mask looks like a diaper

Him: It's very comfortable though.

Me: Like Huggies comfortable or Pampers?

Him: It Depends....

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sethg4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a cavern?

Depends on the calves job.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wage_slave
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How does poop keep track of it’s thoughts and feelings?

Diary-uh or a log. Depends how sappy...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jewbillystein
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What US state won't ever have to wear Depends^TM when it gets old?

Hawai'i - because it's not incontinent /original?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AbelianCommuter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
🚨︎ report
What kind of shoes are best for sneaking around in?

Leather ones, because they’re made of Hide.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reverend_Giggles
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
If you see a crime at an apple store....

Does that make you an iWitness

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/liverpool135
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report

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