A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found...

She says, β€œOh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, β€œI don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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How did bear cubs play baseball?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackhandle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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I miss Cubs baseball so much that I asked my kid to build me a super realistic Wrigley Field in Minecraft.

She did a great job, because just like the real Wrigley these days, the only seats I could afford had blocked views.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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What did the mother grizzly say to her cub?

β€œDon’t go outside in your bear feet!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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This was a comment on a post about a cheeta getting eight cubs
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geeshaan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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Why did the Cub move out of the house?

His dad's jokes were unBEARable

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πŸ‘€︎ u/7JDizzle7
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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What do you call a shaved bear cub?

A little bare.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdventurousLiar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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Dad called the Police today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs..."

"That's terrible," the woman dispatcher on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," Dad said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fr_Time
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2016
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What did the tiger tell his cubs before dinner?

Shall we prey?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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A polar bear cub goes up to his dad and asks, "Poppa? Am I a purebred polar bear?"

His dad says yes.

"And you and momma? Are you both purebred polar bears?"

"Of course, son. If you're purebred, we would have to be."

"What about your parents? Were they purebred polar bears?"

"Yes, son. This is what I'm trying to tell you."

"What about mom's parents? Were they purebred polar bears?"

"Son, they have to be. Look, you're a purebred polar bear, we're all purebred polar bears, okay? Why do you keep asking if you're a purebred polar bear?!"

"Because I'm freezing!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2017
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What does the lion call his high-achieving cub and adopted kangaroo kid?

His pride and joey!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aitchnyu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
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How many puns did the baby cub say today?

Cubs cant speak English, so it must of been a bear-minimum.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Solsius
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2015
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Just got dad-joked by my Cub Scout.

I'm a bit under the weather today, with, um... 'tummy troubles'. When I got my son to his Cub Scout meeting today, I had to urgently use the restroom.

It's a thin door, and right during the part of the Scout Oath where they declare: "I will do my duty...", it happened. Very, very loudly.

They all stopped mid-sentence, and I heard my son yell: "My dad just did his doody!" To the 9-year-old mind, there's nothing better than bathroom humor. Would have been nice if the other parents weren't laughing, too, when I exited...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gatorflier
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2014
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oneletterz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2013
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Star wars joke

Driving back from a cub scout hike with my kid, who's in the front seat for the first time and wanting really bad to be my wookie co-pilot.

Me: hey, it's more like you're my astromech.

Kid: no I'm not!

Me: R2!?!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boter2099
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?

Cub Salad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Angelmikeal
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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What's a bears favorite drink?

Cub soda.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dasvott
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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The problems for this bear just tend to pylon. (sorry for possible repost) imgur.com/vFszd0m
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marto765
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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What do you call a crocodile in a vest?

An investigator. (Heard at a Cub Scout event today)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ETwasMyFriend
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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When a bear shops for a new family car, some features are a must-have.

For instance it needs to have adequate cub holders.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. β€œWHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothingβ€”just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vorschlaghammer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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Assphyxiation

Assphyxiation taken from the great contribution of /u/brother_p in /r/Whatcouldgowrong .. here

edit: Though the experienced really wrecked him .. the cub lived to see another day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/direwolfed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2014
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This dad got a police dispatcher good.

Dispatcher: Hello this is 911 what's your emergency?

Dad: Yeah hi, I was just walking through the woods and I found a suitcase in a bush and inside there's a fox and 4 cubs.

Dispatcher: Oh my god, that's horrible. Are they moving?

Dad: I don't know to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmonkey86
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2015
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When your dad misses no opportunity for a joke

So, my dad could be considered a regular jokester. He had his dad jokes, his dirty jokes, clean but provocative joke, setup jokes, everything. He never missed a chance to turn something into a joke for hinself, even, and perpahs especially, if it only amused himself. I found out at an young age that no situation is too serious for him.

I was around 9 years old and I was in the cub scouts, and it was box car derby season. I was in the dining room, carving away at my block of wood when the blade in my right hand skipped the wood and carved my left thumb. It fucking hurt and bled like a sonofabitch. I immediately starting screaming and my dad raced into the room and found me covered in blood, my left hand now with two thumbs. We get it wrapped and he drives me to the emergency room. By the time we got there the bleeding had stopped and I have stopped crying. As we pull up, my dad looks st me, shakes his head and says "We can't go in there like this, we'll end up waiting forever to see a doctor. You need to cry once we're in there and that'll help" I said ok, and he said as we were walking up, "I'll give you a signal to start crying." How will i know, i asked him snd he just said i'll know. We go inside and walk up to the admittance desk. I'm short, so at the time my head just cleared the desk. My dad tells the nurse that we have a cut, and need to see a doctor right away. The nurse pushes paperwork at him and he tells her again, this time that its a real bad cut. The nurse finally looks at me for the first time and she frowns, because im relatively normal looking, even though im hurting and nervous, waiting for my dads signal. My dad pulls me back a bit and her eyes widen really big when she sees all the dried blood caked on the lower left side of my body. She starts getting excited and says "Ohmygoshohmygosh" over and over and this point im starting to get scared when my Dad, in a serious voice says "Its even worse than it looks! You're going to have to take the whole hand!"

Then I start crying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBossOfWhat
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2017
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My mom got the family with a home run

My family was discussing the cubs winning the world series in 2016.

Me: I'm so bummed that it was just one year off from the back to the future prediction.

Mom: Well, at least it was in the ballpark!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/illdiewithoutpi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2017
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If you yell "IS IT GONNA SNOW?" at mother nature, she will respond "no!"

My father had me do this in cub scouts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptMcButternut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
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Probably a repost...but a bear walks into a bar...

...he sits down on a stool, flags the bartender and says: 'may I please have...........a beer?'

The bartender says, 'sure...but what's with the big pause?'

The bear lifts his hands and says, 'I don't know, I've had 'em since I was a cub.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pure_blazin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2014
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Got my friend just now.

So, he made chili for us to eat while watching the Cubs game. His girlfriend, who is in a different state, called as we were watching the game and eating. I hear him say to her, "Oh yeah, is it pretty chilly over there?" Then I say to him, "It's pretty chili over here too" and then looked him as I ate a giant spoonful. He rolled his eyes and went into the other room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-eDgAR-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2015
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Bear Grylls

I was watching Wimbledon on the TV today and saw Bear Grylls with his wife in the audience. The commentator said "There's Bear Grylls with his wife Shara."

Me: "Shara... that's a bit of a weird name"

Mum: "Yeah, I heard that his kids have weird names aswell"

Me: "Really? What are their names?"

Mum: "Cub and Grizzly"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rustyelliot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2014
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My roommate is king of these

"Why did everyone hate the cub?"

Why?

"He was unbearable!"

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2014
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