It’s one schisty pun after another and they make me laugh no matter how crumbly they are.
πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ‘€︎ u/theemptyqueue
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.

In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ‘€︎ u/yougotyolks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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If you crumble Tums over an ant hill, the ants will start making bizarre shapes from the mound...

They'll be tripping on antacid!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nitrocloud
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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What do you get when you combine a grocery store and a clothing store?

Apple Crumble and Finch

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/darkrose3333
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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Let's get bready to crumble!
πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ‘€︎ u/standinginurine
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2014
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Bill Hungers
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ‘€︎ u/fawaffle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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Overheard my dad say "Sorry buddy, that's the way the cookie crumbles!" Guess what he was doing when i walked into the kitchen?

Eating cookies. He was eating cookies.

EDIT: Forgot to mention that he was alone in the kitchen.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/duckblunted
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
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I dropped my iPhone...

Ended up having Apple crumble for dinner

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/phs_uw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Dog biscuits

Went to the gardening store today as I needed some stuff for the garden (duhh), anyways when I get to the counter there's a small basket with some fancy ass dog biscuits. I grab a small crumbly bit and chew on it, and then tell the cute girl behind the counter.

"You know what? These things don't taste like dog at all"

She looked aghast at me, and started laughing like crazy, and got some weird looks from her manager.

I should have got her number...

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hitno
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2015
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I'm getting old

Popped one on my daughters today, received with blank stares.

I was passing a large piece of scrambled egg over.

Egg crumbles and falls off the fork.

Daughter:argh it fell off!

Me: yeah it had poor int.egg.rity


πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ‘€︎ u/phunkygeeza
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
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A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.

As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSomerandomguy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
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My dad pulled the best (and only) dad joke I've ever heard him utter while we were assembling ginger bread houses.

Some family friends of ours needed our help mass producing some ginger bread houses for an event they do every year. They make an insane amount of pieces, so they need help cutting out the doors, windows, and over all assembly. The family friend, my dad, and myself were all cutting out windows and doors when this happened:

Me: Aw man, one of these pieces just broke.

Family Friend: It's alright, we have extra. But every time I see one fall apart I see 30 minutes of my life go away.

Dad: Well I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Me: loses it

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveTheViking
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
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Got my fiancΓ©e and her teenage siblings over group chat

Me: "Hey, have you guys heard of that new rapping toast?"

Them: "No, who?"

Me: "He crumbles under pressure and calls himself Ludacrust."

Them: Collective groans.

FiancΓ©e: "You are way too proud of yourself."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/zero_divide_1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2015
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