I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
So, if Ani is short for Anikan, and Ben is short for Obi-Wan, and Fives is short for CT-27-5555, and Artoo is short for R2D2, and Chewy is short for Chewbacca, what is Luke short for?
π︎ 712
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
βYou wouldnβt get it, itβs Norse codeβ
π︎ 377
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
A hitman named Arti was so broke he took a job for $5 and strangled 2 people at the grocery store
The next day the newspaper read "Arti chokes two for $5 at the supermarket"
π︎ 110
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
I had a kernel of energy left so I created something amaizeing and ear-resistable.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
So I peed on my college application and submitted it to get into my choice college. Guess what they told me?
π︎ 85
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
An old man owned a dolphin and some children asked him why. The old man smiled and said, "When I was younger, my dreams were crushed, so I bought the dolphin because..."
"Buying him gave me a porpoise in life."
π︎ 27
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasantβs head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Dukeβs son and knocked him off the battle field.
Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
You are a graduate of accounting and can't even tell when your SO is losing interest... smh
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
My mom has 3 kids. My brother was born a gas, my sister a liquid and I am a solid. Yesterday my mom looked upset so I asked her what was wrong. She said "I'm pregnant"
So I said "Okay, what's the matter?"
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
Because they work on many levels.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Mar 10 2021
I went to my cousin and said βskattadly bop biddop.β He didnβt like it so I replied βskiddly bip skattup.β
Thereβs more than one way to Scat a Kin.
Note: couldnβt crosspost from r/dadjokes. Just reposted my own post...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
I miss my deceased father and his dadjokes, so I figured Iβd text him.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
So I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
π︎ 182
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
So I ask for something easy at a restaurant, and the server recommends βwell the chicken strips for 6$β
βMaybe it will but it doesnβt help with my hungerβ
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
So I was at Chiliβs the other day and when a waiter came to take our order, I asked him to turn the heat up and when he asked why
I replied it seems a bit chilly in here. Iβm now banned at all Chiliβs restaurants in the USA
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
I owed my friend $20 so I gave a few dollars, some loose change, and a few small pieces of fried chicken
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
And so Sam sung note 7
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
My flatmate and I are single AF so I got her flours for valentines day....
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
I was walking with about 100 cows from one ranch to another and I had to pass through a vineyard so
I herded through the grapevine
π︎ 40
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
My daughters favorite fruit is mango. So when sheβs older and starts dating.
Iβll be sure to remind her to always let the Man-go.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?
Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.
π︎ 66
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
Mr. Cooper has been working so much lately, he's feeling less and less like himself.
What he needs is a night of rest and re-Cooperation.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 23 2021
My 4-year-old got crumbs in his eye and started rubbing his eye. He said it didn't hurt much and I said "Oh, so it's just a little irritating?"
He said "No, it's eye-itating."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
Why does the rest of the Alphabet find A,E,I,O, and U so annoying?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
My wife and I are making some artwork in the name of our favourite Bon Jovi song. So far we have the words "Livin' on".
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
So, earlier I was replanting my succulents and I offhandedly mentioned to my fiancΓ© I'd like to do gardening shit with my sis...
He replied, "She'd be super helpful since she's a HOE."
#mypunssucc #punnyshit
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
So I started that Ketogenic diet and my bowel movements have improved drastically!
So this is just a βquality shit postβ
π︎ 26
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"
He'll come around eventually
π︎ 45
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
I am sick and tired of people calling me lazy, so I'm going to kill myself.
But, the gun is all the way over there.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 11 2021
I I couldnβt get $GME so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.
I hope to become a bouillionaire!
π︎ 43
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.
His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"
"Or should I spread them apart?"
π︎ 57
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
So last week i got myself in a bit of trouble when i mixed up the words jacuzzi and yakuza
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
I planted a few hostas around my house, and now they've gotten so big that they've completely outgrown all my other decorative plants.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
If people are coughing and sneezing so much outsideβ¦
Wouldn't that just be ap-pollen.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 10 2021
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
π︎ 500
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
A fat man came into the store trying to decide if he wanted a hammock. He laid down in the display model and I tried pushing him so he could feel what it was like to gently rock. I wasn't strong enough. He left without purchasing it.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
I was part of a class and i total , we were 100 students. I walked up to the front of the class , and wrote :"balloons" on the white board. So...
The other 99 read balloons.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
One for the intellectuals (and the kitchen-dwellers). Digital scales are so fragile.
I can tare them with one finger. I am SO sorry everyone have a great day.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Screwing in some camera mounts and I dropped my drill, it came so close to hitting my daughter in the head...
Good thing it was only a drill!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
I've been reading so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I've made a firm new year's resolution..
π︎ 224
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Jul 22 2020
I went to my cousin and said βskattadly bop biddop.β He didnβt like it so I replied βskiddly bip skattup.β
Thereβs more than one way to Scat a Kin.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
