Why did the inmate keep smuggling in Indian food for corrections officers?
He wanted to curry favor with the guards.
I’m going to get an experimental vision correction surgery tomorrow but I’m not so sure it’ll work.
I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see
What do you call a practitioner who only makes minor corrections to your teeth?
You do realize that it's biblically correct for a man to make the coffee. Haven't you ever read the book,
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Some say there is no way for a woman to play Cat Woman correctly
Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling
Just kidding, made you smile :)
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
They just don’t taste right!
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.
Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?
Me: the same as mommies, I think
Daughter: her middle name is just i think?
I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I started a job watching hourglasses just to check if the correct amount of time was passing for them.
But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
I'm bothered by lazy geologists who don't take the time to correctly identify rocks...
Sometimes they take this schist for granite.
Cooking up some drugs is easy if u know the steps and calculate the correct dosages
I just got done performing at the local correctional facility
It was a captive audience
I stand corrected
Said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.
How do you correctly compliment a dad joke?
My wife insisted she has nudist genes
I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans
Edit: there->their
Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!
Did you hear that less toys have been made this year in Santa’s workshop?
Many of his workers had to Elf Isolate.
Dad: Son, what be a pirate's favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby's! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate's favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate's favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
I hate my cow...
Hasn’t even been making milk! It’s an utter failure.
I got the sack for asking a customer if they wanted smoking or non smoking.
Cremation or funeral was the correct term.
i just learn that sorry is improper grammar and that the correct way to say it is i'm sorry
I failed my medical school entrance exam last week, thanks to nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
And I still can’t say it correctly...
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Edit: corrected an udder failure.
It's the pilot's fault.
See a story about a pilot didn't remember his correct destination. Look at my 19 year old son and say "He just plane forgot!"
His eyes rolled like that boulder in Indiana Jones
There's a band called 999MB.
they haven't had any gigs yet.
I don't like to spell correctly
Tippex
Didn’t you invent Tippex? Correct me if I’m wrong
A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I'd parked my car correctly...
I just ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom might spell disaster.
It might not be politically correct to say this....
...but Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.
When my father said he had a 'Dad bod', I wanted to correct him so I said "No, to me it's more like a FATHER FIGURE."
Why are there no politically correct motor-sports fans?
PC-people don't see race.
Why did the teacher explode when he was corrected by one of his students?
Because he was undermined
Helping the postman get this to the correct address
I was a Dad at work the other day
My coworker mentioned he needed to get a quote for 400 mice(Computer mice).
Coworker: "I need to get a quote for these mice."
Me: "I can give you a quote for those mice."
Coworker: "Yeah?"
Me: "Squeak Squeak."
Coworker: *Sigh*
If 90° says anything in argument with the other angles, it's always correct.
Cuz it's the only right angle.
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)
Australian tennis star Bernard Tomic's sister, Ana, agreeing with her friend Ally about the positions of body parts
When my father said he had a 'Dad bod', I wanted to correct him
so I said "No, to me it's more like a FATHER FIGURE."
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