Why did the inmate keep smuggling in Indian food for corrections officers?

He wanted to curry favor with the guards.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mstrchapl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m going to get an experimental vision correction surgery tomorrow but I’m not so sure it’ll work.

I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quirksey12
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a practitioner who only makes minor corrections to your teeth?

A pedentist

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/extendedlead
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
🚨︎ report
No Auto-Correct?
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Correct me if I’m wrong, but due to the ongoing pandemic, would it be smart to stay at least 6ft away from the chips and dip when visiting a Mexican restaurant?

You know, Salsa Distancing.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaramelLow8561
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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*Whose/You're
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dickiedaydream
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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I found this humerus
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garymattts
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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What does a grammatically-correct, upside-down owl inquire?

ΒΏWOHM ΒΏWOHM

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonMinusJon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
You do realize that it's biblically correct for a man to make the coffee. Haven't you ever read the book,

Hebrews

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mastiff_Speed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
last gift on birthday
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sabrinna_22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Corrective lenses.
πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thumbs0fDestiny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...

Arson.

πŸ‘︎ 295
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinjesus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Some say there is no way for a woman to play Cat Woman correctly

but Anne Hathaway

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryonnsan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, made you smile :)

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Etheranad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
They just don’t taste right!
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gacha_gurlOwO
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, β€œWindow or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, β€œWindow or you’ll what?”

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nandos677
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.

Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?

Me: the same as mommies, I think

Daughter: her middle name is just i think?

I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.

πŸ‘︎ 331
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podolot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do British people say they’re β€œbri’ish”?

Because they drank the T

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eThunderSnow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.

After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"

The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/domheffo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a job watching hourglasses just to check if the correct amount of time was passing for them.

But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckinWimp87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm bothered by lazy geologists who don't take the time to correctly identify rocks...

Sometimes they take this schist for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkrjoe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I never thought my chiropractor would improve my posture...

...but I stand corrected

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YareetLike
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Cooking up some drugs is easy if u know the steps and calculate the correct dosages

Like, it’s basic meth

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApexPredator1509_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A correct sign
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBrontosaurus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s the lighter fluid
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you correctly compliment a dad joke?

Dads a good joke!

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AbandonedS
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I just got done performing at the local correctional facility

It was a captive audience

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattxfish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I stand corrected

Said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cakeboy79
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife insisted she has nudist genes

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S93C141
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Dad: Son, what be a pirate's favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby's! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate's favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate's favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!

Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!

πŸ‘︎ 259
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wileydan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that less toys have been made this year in Santa’s workshop?

Many of his workers had to Elf Isolate.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.

I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ValkornDoA
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
i went to the chiropractor with back pain, i didn't think it was that bad. he looked at me and said i have scoliosis, and he fixed me!

i now stand corrected

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoaSoup
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad: what do you do when you are in the wrong seat?

I stand corrected

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dengsta
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.

Restaurant in peace

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avianthon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Chocolate ice cream

Working at an ice cream parlor there was a customer that insisted I serve him chocolate ice cream even though we were out of it. He just wouldn’t give up. So I said β€œlet’s play a game”. How many β€œvans” are in vanilla ice cream? -he said β€œone”(correct) So how many β€œstraws” are in strawberry ice cream? He said β€œone” again (correct) So then how many β€œ F’s” are in chocolate ice cream? He said there is no β€œF” in chocolate ice cream - I said β€œExactly- THERE IS NO F IN CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM!!!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hujiadadi01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
And I still can’t say it correctly...
πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Chosen_Pun_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Remotely Yours

So we had this issue yesterday where secure shell commands were failing from our newly enabled backup system to a downstream application.

I logged in manually using the correct credentials to confirm the keys were fine, but I noticed it was the first time in known hosts, so i typed β€œyes” to put the entry in and figured that would fix it.

When the problem came back today, I was surprised at first, but then it hit me...

Same ssh -t different server...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCandIO
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife tested my knowledge of common household herbs, and I’m happy to say I got 4 out of 5 right.

I was parsley correct.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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i just learn that sorry is improper grammar and that the correct way to say it is i'm sorry

(sorry bad English)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brohemianrasputin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
When my father said he had a 'Dad bod', I wanted to correct him so I said "No, to me it's more like a FATHER FIGURE."
πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maryfountain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I'd parked my car correctly...

It said "Parking Fine"

πŸ‘︎ 837
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
It might not be politically correct to say this....

...but Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.

πŸ‘︎ 198
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't like to spell correctly

it's a sic-ness

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaehrimnirKiller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate my cow...

Hasn’t even been making milk! It’s an utter failure.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magmaraptor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are there no politically correct motor-sports fans?

PC-people don't see race.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sdric
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
When my father said he had a 'Dad bod', I wanted to correct him

so I said "No, to me it's more like a FATHER FIGURE."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sexxc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report

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