He wanted to curry favor with the guards.
But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
Sometimes they take this schist for granite.
Like, it’s basic meth
It was a captive audience
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
Restaurant in peace
(sorry bad English)
Because he was undermined
Cuz it's the only right angle.
I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.
So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!
I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"
"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"
I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.
But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....
Life is fun
Restaurant In Peace
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
Dad: “Of course I’ve heard of cows! Look! They’re all over the damn place!”
...what a little Noah doll.
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)
It said "Parking fine". So that was nice.
A jar.
Edit:
Apparently this isn't original, and there's a "real" version of this joke.
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
Thanks for the correction, u/TheRealTripleH !
It was a textbook case.
His funeral is next monkey.
"Jenny"
Ducks don’t get up. They get down.
The same is true for clocks.
(PSA: Remember to correct yours tonight, as applicable.)
His funfair is on Sundial at moon.
Punchline.
Troy Story.
I’m now looking at a long sentence.
Oh, varies.
Exact Lee
I know the math is correct, but that’s just mean.
The lawyer said I didn't have a leg to stand on.
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven."
He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?"
The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden".
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?"
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve."
"Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one".
"Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
People who make games because they are pro-grammars
Still one of my best so here's the set up.
I take my wife on a cruise for her birthday. Each night during dinner they have a section of things you would not normally try but you're on a cruise so try it. Anyway one night they had braised ox tongue. So I order it and get a side eye from the wife while doing so. It arrives and I had correctly anticipated her question. Anyway here's the conversation...
Braised ox tongue appetizer is set before me. I cut a small piece and put in it my mouth and begin to chew.
Wife: Well, how is it?!?
Me: (slowly looking up) it's... tasty.
W: Did you really order that just to make that joke?
Me: yes, yes I did.
In all actuality it was quite good.
He was trying to cross the street during a marathon. He died because he couldn't see race
and optimists see glasses as half full.
And they interviewed an applicant named Stan. Stan had no arms due to an accident so the hiring manager asked how he would ever be able to do the job.
"I'll show you",said Stan.
They walked up flight after flight of stairs to the Bell tower all the while the manager wondered how Stan would ever be able to do the job. His questions were soon answered when after reaching the Bell tower, Stan took off running striking the bell face first. Gooong goes the bell. Stan picks himself up, takes off running face first at the bell, Gooong.
"Hold, on. You'll hurt yourself."
"I'm tough," said Stan, " "and I really needed this job"
"Ok," said the manager, leaving Stan to do the job.
All day the bell rang on the hour correctly and the manager thought too soon that he had misjudged Stan. Finally, at six in the evening there were only three gongs, then a commotion. Going out to see what was going on he found Stan dead on the street below. Apparently he had become disoriented from head trauma and missed the bell entirely falling to the street below.
"Who was this man, Who was he?" asked the crowd.
Not wanting to admit liability for the accident, the manager said "I don't know."
"But his face sure rings a bell"
We went with our 2 boys. Leaving the alligator exhibit, she said to our older son, "Say, 'Bye, alligators!'"
... At which I loudly huffed and vehemently pointed out the missed opportunity.
"I mean, 'see ya later, alligators!'"
He said he never had any issues with mis-calculations during construction on houses and I said that's impossible.
I told him in response about a time I put a post in the ground at a bad angle and had to take it out and put it back in correctly.
He got mad at me because he had heard the same exact story on r/construction
I guess you could call it a repost
Wife, "Wow, watches 20% off. That's not a bad deal."
Me, "Ehh, I'd rather they tell the correct time."
A convexion oven.
Edit: This works a lot better if you spell "oven" correctly in the title...
