Pro tip: wait until next year to get lasik or other corrective eye surgery
so you can have 2020 vision
I just had Lasik corrective surgery.
During the consultation on Saturday, my nervous wife accompanied me to learn more about the procedure. She got me pretty good when she said it was an "eye-opening experience."
Rest assured I didn't leave her the last word. After the procedure yesterday, I exited the operating room to find her waiting in a crowded lobby. She looked up at me, and I got her back with "Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes."
My friend the eye doctor explained this to me. Ophthalmologists are doctors who specialize in eyes. Optometrists examine your eyes to see whether you need corrective lenses. Opticians sell glasses and lenses.
and optimists see glasses as half full.
While getting corrective jaw surgery my dad popped this work of art
The surgery required my bottom jaw being broken and the surgeon was running through how it would be for me afterwards.
Here's the conversation as it went down:
Surgeon - "Have you got any questions?"
Dad - "Yeah, will he be able to play the trumpet afterwards?"
Surgeon - "Yup, there won't be any problems with that"
Dad - "Oh, that's good. He can't play it now"
You do realize that it's biblically correct for a man to make the coffee. Haven't you ever read the book,
Some say there is no way for a woman to play Cat Woman correctly
Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling
Just kidding, made you smile :)
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
They just don’t taste right!
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I started a job watching hourglasses just to check if the correct amount of time was passing for them.
But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
I'm bothered by lazy geologists who don't take the time to correctly identify rocks...
Sometimes they take this schist for granite.
My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.
Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?
Me: the same as mommies, I think
Daughter: her middle name is just i think?
I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.
Cooking up some drugs is easy if u know the steps and calculate the correct dosages
I just got done performing at the local correctional facility
It was a captive audience
I stand corrected
Said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.
My wife insisted she has nudist genes
I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans
Edit: there->their
Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!
Did you hear that less toys have been made this year in Santa’s workshop?
Many of his workers had to Elf Isolate.
How do you correctly compliment a dad joke?
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
Dad: Son, what be a pirate's favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby's! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate's favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate's favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
I hate my cow...
Hasn’t even been making milk! It’s an utter failure.
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
I failed my medical school entrance exam last week, thanks to nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Edit: corrected an udder failure.
i just learn that sorry is improper grammar and that the correct way to say it is i'm sorry
Tippex
Didn’t you invent Tippex? Correct me if I’m wrong
And I still can’t say it correctly...
There's a band called 999MB.
they haven't had any gigs yet.
I don't like to spell correctly
I just ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom might spell disaster.
A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I'd parked my car correctly...
Why are there no politically correct motor-sports fans?
PC-people don't see race.
It might not be politically correct to say this....
...but Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.
When my father said he had a 'Dad bod', I wanted to correct him
so I said "No, to me it's more like a FATHER FIGURE."
Why did the teacher explode when he was corrected by one of his students?
Because he was undermined
Australian tennis star Bernard Tomic's sister, Ana, agreeing with her friend Ally about the positions of body parts
I was a Dad at work the other day
My coworker mentioned he needed to get a quote for 400 mice(Computer mice).
Coworker: "I need to get a quote for these mice."
Me: "I can give you a quote for those mice."
Coworker: "Yeah?"
Me: "Squeak Squeak."
Coworker: *Sigh*
Helping the postman get this to the correct address
If 90° says anything in argument with the other angles, it's always correct.
Cuz it's the only right angle.
When my father said he had a 'Dad bod', I wanted to correct him so I said "No, to me it's more like a FATHER FIGURE."
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