Most people don't know that in order to be a programmer your eyesight must be correctable to 20/20.
You have to be able to C#.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but due to the ongoing pandemic, would it be smart to stay at least 6ft away from the chips and dip when visiting a Mexican restaurant?
You know, Salsa Distancing.
What does a grammatically-correct, upside-down owl inquire?
You do realize that it's biblically correct for a man to make the coffee. Haven't you ever read the book,
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Some say there is no way for a woman to play Cat Woman correctly
Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling
Just kidding, made you smile :)
They just don’t taste right!
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Why do British people say they’re “bri’ish”?
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
I started a job watching hourglasses just to check if the correct amount of time was passing for them.
But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.
I'm bothered by lazy geologists who don't take the time to correctly identify rocks...
Sometimes they take this schist for granite.
Despite waging war in Afghanistan, most Americans can't name its capital.
I never thought my chiropractor would improve my posture...
Cooking up some drugs is easy if u know the steps and calculate the correct dosages
Wife: Babe you keep putting the remote in random places...
Me: Correction, I keep putting the remote in "remote" places. That's where it belongs right?
I got a eye roll and a sigh, score.
How do you correctly compliment a dad joke?
I just got done performing at the local correctional facility
It was a captive audience
I stand corrected
Said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.
My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.
Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?
Me: the same as mommies, I think
Daughter: her middle name is just i think?
I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.
My wife insisted she has nudist genes
I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans
Edit: there->their
Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!
Dad: Son, what be a pirate's favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby's! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate's favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate's favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
Did you hear that less toys have been made this year in Santa’s workshop?
Many of his workers had to Elf Isolate.
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.
I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.
i went to the chiropractor with back pain, i didn't think it was that bad. he looked at me and said i have scoliosis, and he fixed me!
Dad: what do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
And I still can’t say it correctly...
Chocolate ice cream
Working at an ice cream parlor there was a customer that insisted I serve him chocolate ice cream even though we were out of it. He just wouldn’t give up. So I said “let’s play a game”. How many “vans” are in vanilla ice cream? -he said “one”(correct) So how many “straws” are in strawberry ice cream? He said “one” again (correct) So then how many “ F’s” are in chocolate ice cream? He said there is no “F” in chocolate ice cream - I said “Exactly- THERE IS NO F IN CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM!!!
i just learn that sorry is improper grammar and that the correct way to say it is i'm sorry
Remotely Yours
So we had this issue yesterday where secure shell commands were failing from our newly enabled backup system to a downstream application.
I logged in manually using the correct credentials to confirm the keys were fine, but I noticed it was the first time in known hosts, so i typed “yes” to put the entry in and figured that would fix it.
When the problem came back today, I was surprised at first, but then it hit me...
Same ssh -t different server...
My wife tested my knowledge of common household herbs, and I’m happy to say I got 4 out of 5 right.
When my father said he had a 'Dad bod', I wanted to correct him so I said "No, to me it's more like a FATHER FIGURE."
A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I'd parked my car correctly...
It might not be politically correct to say this....
...but Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.
I don't like to spell correctly
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
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