I got a contact to make a documentary about shoemakers. They didn't give me enough time to a great job...
...but I manged to cobble something together last minute.
Our friend Chuck hasn’t contacted us for months, so we renamed him Huck.
My customers keep complaining that they're receiving empty boxes with no contacts in them
but they're the ones that keep requesting contactless delivery!
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says
How does an orchestra keep in contact with each other?
Asked my wife for a CONTACT-LESS salad...
... but she got touchy about it.
We agreed to start greeting each other without making physical contact...
I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.
What kind of board do Italians use to contact the dead?
I was having trouble with my computer, so I contacted IT support. The man said, 'Have you tried disabling cookies?'
I said, 'Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.'
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I told my kid to make eye contact when talking.
But he just keeps headbutting people.
Before my operation last week, the nurse wanted to know if I could give them a contact number in case of an emergency...
What did the authorities do when Barbie's boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken.
That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
Contact lenses are better than glasses
How does a medium contact a dead window washer?
My SO looks to much better with glasses
Or with contacts actually; it's like he can't see without them or something.
It was hard for scientists to create a liquid for contacts
But they came up with a solution
Does anyone here want a free iPhone 11? If so, contact me.
We can then talk about how we both want a free iPhone.
My dog ate my contact lenses
Do you suppose that he's seeing shit more clearly now?
I've deleted all the German contacts I know off my phone...
I've made a ouija board using alphabeti spaghetti.
It's great for contacting people who've pasta way.
My dad said he couldn’t find his contacts
It was in the top left corner of his phone.
Quickest way to contact god in 2019
Does this count as a pun?
I'm not sure she can bear this
I’ve gotten so used to taking my contacts out over the years...
I should be able to take them out with my eyes closed
If your house is flooded, contact me, I'll buy it.
I only invest in liquid assets.
How do you contact Michael Jackson?
Free air guitar to first person to contact me
Why arent contacts good in school?
They always miss their glasses
My wife she needed a smart man, so I went and got two degrees.
My brother wanted cold hard cash for Christmas. I think I delivered well
Running away from human contact.
I contacted someone to replace the old wood on my floor.
I’m still waiting for a re ply.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
If you don’t get this joke then your a boomer
Coronavirus got infected with Chuck Norris.
It had to quarantine for 14 days.
It's cold and dark outside, so I have drawn the curtains.
A Pun I Made In 5 Minutes On MS Paint... Merry Christmas!
In a horrible accident, astronauts were killed when they tried to make first contact with a sentient gas cloud by telling it bad puns.
It was no laughing matter.
Why do all golf players have 20:20 vision
Because its a non contact sport
Making the most out of a typo
Everytime I wash my contacts in water it makes my eyes sting.
If only there was a solution.
Whenever I wash my contact lenses with water it never really cleans them right and it stings when I put them in.
If only there was a solution.
What did the Canadian say when he entered the Mexican Butcher store?
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Break-in at the Apple Store!
Police searching for iWitnesses...
"How are we going to stay in contact?" Donald asked Bugs Bunny.
"WhatsApp, duck!" said Bugs Bunny.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing the Shrek soundtrack, I thought she was joking
Lesson learned today: When the newscaster says, “If you know anything about this crime, please contact the police...”
The cops get really pissed off if you call them and just repeat the news segment.
We still haven’t made contact with the aliens
They’re Martian to their own beat
It’s one schisty pun after another and they make me laugh no matter how crumbly they are.
I would wear contacts...But they get in my eyes too much
(UK) A B-road walks into a bar.
The B-road starts bragging extensively about his status as a B-road. The bar staff and patrons aren't impressed.
Then, an A-road struts in. The A-road immediately starts criticising the B-road, whilst also bragging about his own status. The two get into a big argument, and the patrons are starting to get riled up.
Then, a motorway barges his way into the bar, and starts boasting that he is better than the A-road and B-road combined. The argument escalates, and some customers grab their belongings, preparing to leave.
And then, a solid white line walks into the bar.
The whole bar falls silent. The argument stops dead in its tracks, and the three roads immediately disperse, avoiding eye contact with the new customer.
The solid white line goes up to the bar, orders a drink, and consumes it slowly. The bar is still silent. As soon as he is finished, the solid white line turns and leaves the bar without a word. The three roads breathe a sigh of relief.
The barman is astounded. "What the hell was that about?!" he exclaims.
"We don't mess with him" mutters the motorway.
"Why not?"
"He's a cycle path".
How does your buddy contact you when he’s at a rave and you can’t hear anything he’s saying?
How do you contact the fire department?
Did you hear about the near-sighted aliens who showed up on Earth?
They were looking for first contacts.
People with glasses and contacts, rejoice!
In two years, we’ll all see 2020!
I have a spare set of contacts in my office desk drawer
When my boss asked for my emergency contacts, I told him to open my drawer.
Are people allowed to wear contacts in soccer....
It is a non contact sport after all.
My son said he was having a problem with his contacts
Lucky for him, I had the solution
My psychic dad just told me...
...that he might be terrible contacting the undead, but he's still a happy medium!
Once I realized I had scratches on my contact lenses...
I saw right through my problems.
To the person whole stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
I deleted all the German contacts from my phone....
I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.
To the individual who stole my glasses...
I will find you. I have contacts.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
People say i look better without glasses
I deleted my German friend from my contacts list.
Now my phone is Hans free.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
How do you contact a dead Italian?
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
