THIS IS NOT A DRILL
They were all arrested for third-degree murder.
After the commencement ceremony was over, we walk out and I say,
Me: "Man, it was getting toasty in there!"
SO's Dad: "What? That stadium was freezing! "
Me: "I thought it was hot! There must have been 500 degrees in there!"
I got headshakes from her sister and her mom, and a "Hey! I'm totally using that!" from her dad. I think I'm in!
Right after a large chicken dinner, my wife and I were sitting on the couch letting everything digest. A little flirting commenced, but we knew it wasn't going anywhere immediately b/c we were stuffed.
Wife: maybe a little later. Me: oh, is there a 2 hour wait between chicken and pork?
The groan was deafening. I regret nothing.
Wife After belching loudly: I don't know where that came from.
Me: Your belly.
Wife: That's apparent.
Me: No you're apparent.
Commence with the sighs.
He only eats "vegetables."
I was talking to my dad and he has this one joke he loves to tell. He told me to share it on that “internet thing”
“What’s the fastest liquid on earth?”
“Milk. It’s pasteurized before you even see it.”
Commence groaning.
There has been quite a few that don’t quite get it.
Enjoy!
He says to my mom "Honey, did rocky(our dog) crap in my chair?" " WHAT?! No. Why?" " because there's a turd in it"
Commence 15 minutes of laughter.
Dad: You know which city always shocks me?
Me: I don't know, which?
Dad: ELECTRI-city!
Commence groaning
Dad: Hey, do you know which city is always moving?
Me: Which one?
Dad: VELO-city!
Groaning intensifies
Driving my daughter to school this morning, we passed a company with a big sign that said Plus Consulting. I said, "I wonder why they don't consult on minuses." My daughter said, "because they're too negative." Hearty dad laughing commenced and she beamed with pride.
Brother: Im such a huge fan of The Walking Dead.
Dad: Really? You look normal sized to me (cackling commences).
I was sitting on a log and he was just sort of standing there next to me.
I said 'hey, what are you doing standing there? Why don't you sit down?'
He replied 'I guess I'm just a stand up guy'.
Lots of sighing commenced on my part (and stifled laughter, admittedly)
I told her "I guess that thong isn't really fun-to-wear then." Commence that eye roll and head shake.
I took my fiancée to the sea life centre this afternoon. In the walk-through tunnel under the aquarium, she spotted a fish which had a large wound on its side which looked quite nasty.
"I wonder what happened to it" she asked.
"Maybe it fell off its motor-pike" I replied.
Eye rolling commenced.
We were talking about how he had to have things a certain way to distract people so they wouldn't rise against him.
Her: "He was really strict about things being a certain way. He was an anal freak."
Me: "I believe that was his brother."
Commence the biggest eye-roll you've ever seen.
I replied by saying thats because black absorbs the most heat.
Eye rolling commenced.
Imagine a Maine accent, as a kid on a farm in 1924.
> As kids, they walked up to their mother and ask
"Mom, Is pig's sold?"
Their mother yells at them to correct their grammar.
"PIGS ARE SOLD!"
Commence giggling and running away as their mother realizes what they tricked her into saying.
(The joke is to say the mothers line quickly and drop the "D" like 'ole time Mainers do)
I'll never forget this joke. It's the only one he ever told me.
What was funny in the 1920's is completely different I guess.
So my mum has a friend who's name is Iris and my mum was talking about how Iris forgot to buy tickets for something, of which i follow up with: well that's very iris-ponsible of her, groaning commenced
Daughter: Wow, those are some big ears of corn.
Me: The better to hear you with, my dear.
Commence eyeroll.
I woke up and my wife was getting ready in the bathroom. She came back to bed and snuggled into me and all I could smell was hair spray.
I said, "That hair spray is a little intense."
She retorted, "You're intense!"
I replied, "Actually I'm in a bed."
*commence eye rolling *
Friend: Does anyone want a no bake cookie?
Me: Sure (eats cookie).
Friend: How do they taste?
Me: Ehh... They seem a little undercooked.
Commence groans.
Me: I couldn't get to sleep for ages because there was a beetle in my room that kept flying at me.
Dad: Was it John, Paul, George or Ringo?
Me: Oh jesus christ...
Commence him laughing heartily.
After trying a lot of trumpets, I asked if they had any light trumpets, they came back with this. Commence epic laughter from the salesman.. Sigh...
Him: "Hey have you heard of that movie Constipated?"
Me: "No...?"
Him: "That's because... it hasn't come out yet!"
Groans commenced while he burst out laughing.
"I cannoli imagine."
AND commence the groans...
I'm in the Navy, currently deployed. Happened while standing watch in the middle of the night. The food they serve at night isn't always warm...
Fellow Sailor: "Man, that food was chilly" Me: "I don't know, tasted like roast beef to me"
Commence groaning...
We were discussing Wong Sun v. U.s., and the defendants in that case included memorable names such as Johnny Yee, Hom Way, and Wong Son. After an inspired lecture, the professor concluded with
Professor: So let this be a lesson to you all, if you're in engaged in crime... you'll be putting yourself in Hom's Way
*commence class wide groan
Rang my mum up to wish her a Happy Mothers Day and Dad said he wanted to talk to me also. He opens with "Happy Son Day, get it Sunday haha". Commence the groaning...
Happy Mothers Day all!
My niece (3) was showing us all of her toys, one of which was toy a cupcake tin. The joking commenced. Mom: Oh wow that's really cool, you could make some neat cupcakes with this.
Me: Yeah its really awesome.
Mom: Just put some play doh (Plato) in here and you're all set.
Me: What if you put some Aristotle in there?
Mom: typical eye roll and mom groan
My dog, a beagle, was trying to get comfortable in my chair.
I said to the dog: "dammit Blue you're bugging the hell out of me."
My buddy: "Would you say he is hounding ya?"
Commence groan.
Dad: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Kid: I don't know. Tell me.
Dad: I'll tell you later.
Kid: Come on, tell me, please!
Dad: Hahahaha
He then commences to bask in his own wit.
they were making rubber on the show. He said "I really wonder how rubber trees have survived evolution! It's gotta be really hard to procreate!"
Commence face-palming.
I have been avoiding the coffee at work as it has the same pH as battery acid and has been bugging my stomach. As such, I've been making tea as a pick-me-up in the morning. I was in the break room making my morning tea while a coworker was making some coffee.
Coworker: "So no coffee today?"
Me: "Nope. It's not really my cup of tea anymore. As opposed to this cup of tea, which is my cup of tea."
Commence groaning.
Me: The cookies in the back got a little bit too crispy, I forgot to convect.
Her: Mmmm... Convection.
Me: You have no idea what convection is, do you?
Her: No, it's the thing with the fans in the oven.
Me: Yeah I had to put them in there, they kept asking for free t-shirts.
Commences groaning
We were out in their patio, and my dad points to a small stray tomato plant, that somehow sprouted up a few feet from the large group of tomato plants they have.
Dad: "What should we do about that volunteer tomato plant?" Me: "Maybe you should start paying it!"
Commence my laughter, and my dad groaning, and my mom ignoring me.
My daughter was handing out fake money that she made. My son asked for 100 bucks. I said, "what are you going to do with 100 deer?" It took him a second, then the eye rolling commenced.
I was attempting to order a pizza online, and the website repeatedly told me my address was wrong, when it wasn't. I said 'I'm really losing my patience.'
que grandad...
'That's what hospitals do! hahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahah'
commence groans
Me: (putting clay mask on hands) If you gotta do anything with your phone, do it now with your left hand!
Bf: That's my texting hand, you started on the wrong hand.
Me: No. I started on the RIGHT hand.
-groans commence-
Girlfriend sits down at spinning wheel to spin fiber into yarn.
"I think I'm going to spin for a while."
"Don't get dizzy."
commence groaning
THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
