..is just a blanket statement.
Sorry. I’ll try to stop making blanket statements like that.
I’m down.
I can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I didn't have that can of Pringles in the cupboard....
But I think those are just blanket statements.
Wife: Hey, your sister's wedding is coming up, what do you wanna get her for a gift?
Me: I have no idea. What do you think she'd like?
Wife: Well, she mentioned to your mom that she could really use a comforter for their new bedroom set
Me: A comforter? Oh, yeah, I got that covered.
Wife: You do?
Me: Yeah! Starts rubbing her arm gently
Wife: Wh-what.. are you doing?
Me: shhhhh... it's okayyyy.
Wife: What? What're you doing?
Me: Being a comforter!
(This was before we got married, and she still brings it up to this day for being the most ridiculous dad joke she's ever heard.)
I told her "sorry you're feeling down".
She said I'm stupid.
In other words, I won.
DAD: "Hi 'Not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem', I'm Dad".
"There, their, they're"
“No,” said the customer, “come for food”
But I will recover
I replied, no, comeforfood.
No! Comforfood.
Dad: "Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable."
"no comeforfood"
All comforters are comfortable
Nothing really mattress
She has many back issues.
No? That’s because it wasn’t made yet.
We always explain to him what we're doing to practice his speech so my wife says, "Jacket off!"
I yell from the drivers seat, "That's disgusting. He's only two years old and you're his mother you sick bastard!"
Wife, "Har har har. Not funny."
Touching my comforter.
Because it had a very active neighborhood watch.
They photosympathize
"Nono, comforfood"
I told I wasn't comfortable with her online dating.
(came up with this on the spot and I was so proud)
So he built me a bigger table.
If I die on Thursday
All I wanted was a one night stand.
So this past Thursday, my wife and I had tickets to see the new Batman film. We managed to get a babysitter organised and everything.
We're sat in the cinema for the obligatory 30 minutes' worth of adverts/trailers. Getting pretty pumped to see The Batman at this point.
Around about 20 minutes into the film (absolutely glued to the screen), I notice that I'm starting to feel really itchy and my lips started to swell up and go numb (this has only happened once before and I've been to the GP to have tests done. All negative so far).
Another 5 minutes go by and I'm starting to struggle to breathe but fuck, it's Batman, I can push through this, right?.. Wrong!
5 minutes after that, I'm sat in the ambulance that my wife had called for me, on my way to A&E. After half the night in A&E, alone, they discharge me.
My wife picks me up. As I get home, her friend (who babysat for us) was still at our house comforting my wife. After the questions of concern and comments of relief, she asked how the first 30 minutes of The Batman was.... my answer?...
"It was so good, it took my breath away".
TL;DR. 30 minutes into The Batman I went into anaphylactic shock and found it extremely difficult to breathe. Once being discharged from the hospital I was asked how the for 30 minutes of The Batman was. I responded with "it was so good, it took my breath away".
...a comforter!
Koshy
Because then you'd have a matte tress.
I’m not so convinced though since 2021 is guaranteed to be an odd year
Tea leaves
But sofa so good.
I was bringing our cans in when a salt truck came down our block this afternoon, and was pretty jolted when, while driving past me, it proceeded to dump salt right on me.
My husband comforted me by saying, “I’m so sorry… you were a-salted.”
“No, no” I said, ”Come for food”
Dad: No no no, come for food
"Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable."
No, not comfortable. I come for food.
"Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable!!"
But I will recover.
I said "no, comeforfood"
