The Comforters Puns

I said "No no, Comeforfood!"

She said to keep it at womb temperature.

It's quite gross.

DAD: "Hi 'Not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem', I'm Dad".

“No,” said the customer, “come for food”

I replied, no, comeforfood.

Sounds fishy. I already know about that.

..is just a blanket statement.

"no comeforfood"

She has many back issues.

We always explain to him what we're doing to practice his speech so my wife says, "Jacket off!"

I yell from the drivers seat, "That's disgusting. He's only two years old and you're his mother you sick bastard!"

Wife, "Har har har. Not funny."

If I die on Thursday

"Nono, comforfood"

Because it had a very active neighborhood watch.

So he built me a bigger table.

I’m down.

The day after my son was born he was having trouble breast feeding. he got fussy and i was comforting him, i told him "it's alright that you didn't get it right away, you were only born yesterday"

Dad: "Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable."

Well, they didn't seem too comfortable during the ceremony.

It's a massive pain in the butt.

(Both are actually true. I'm in a lot of pain. Need dad jokes for comfort.)

So i sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable.

This is an original "shaggy dog story" style Dad joke that I wrote recently. Enjoy. :)

The whale watching witch

Remember the story of the wicked witch from Hansel & Gretel? Reports of her death were greatly exaggerated. What actually happened is simply that she retired from being a wicked witch. Instead she decided to become a good witch and travel around the globe by boat. Being a witch, she wasn't very conventional, so she went on eBay and bought herself an ex-navy submarine to use for travelling the world.

One day she decided to go whale watching. Our repentant witch cruised into whale watching territory in the comfort of her refurbished submarine. She neatly surfaced, and manoeuvred her sub into a position alongside several boats that were offering whale watching cruises to rich tourists. Armed with her favourite binoculars, she stood on the conning tower, hoping to get a good view of the action. She soon found herself admiring some giant whales frolicking together in the ocean.

Suddenly, one of the whales headed right for her submarine. Instantly, our friend the witch realized that the whale thought that her vessel would make a good dinner, and was about to swallow it whole. At the last moment, she leapt overboard, just managing to escape, as the mouth of the whale closed over her submarine, swallowing it in one giant gulp.

Meanwhile, one of the tourists on a nearby whale watching cruise had been filming everything. "You'll never believe what I saw!" he cried, "But I got it all on video, and I'm pretty sure it will go viral. I just saw a whale eating a sub sans witch!"

After seated, the waitress asked

Waitress: comfortable, sir?

Man: no, i come for the food

My secretary looked extra beautiful in that light and atmosphere!

And from the pictures I saw, his suit does seem like it has a lot of space inside

They wouldn't publish it though, the publisher said that the intended audience was a dead market.

Don’t worry! These cuffs were designed for two-wrists.

Huge asteroids.

I told I wasn't comfortable with her online dating.

(came up with this on the spot and I was so proud)

Because if you use the right one you will look like a right tit.

He was familiar with the magazines.

The pirate replies, “Aye, it’s driving me nuts.”

I sat on the couch and looked comfortable. That worked right away

Bedrock, duh...

He had a great fall.

I replied: "We ought ta, man".

So this past Thursday, my wife and I had tickets to see the new Batman film. We managed to get a babysitter organised and everything.

We're sat in the cinema for the obligatory 30 minutes' worth of adverts/trailers. Getting pretty pumped to see The Batman at this point.

Around about 20 minutes into the film (absolutely glued to the screen), I notice that I'm starting to feel really itchy and my lips started to swell up and go numb (this has only happened once before and I've been to the GP to have tests done. All negative so far).

Another 5 minutes go by and I'm starting to struggle to breathe but fuck, it's Batman, I can push through this, right?.. Wrong!

5 minutes after that, I'm sat in the ambulance that my wife had called for me, on my way to A&E. After half the night in A&E, alone, they discharge me.

My wife picks me up. As I get home, her friend (who babysat for us) was still at our house comforting my wife. After the questions of concern and comments of relief, she asked how the first 30 minutes of The Batman was.... my answer?...

"It was so good, it took my breath away".

TL;DR. 30 minutes into The Batman I went into anaphylactic shock and found it extremely difficult to breathe. Once being discharged from the hospital I was asked how the for 30 minutes of The Batman was. I responded with "it was so good, it took my breath away".

“No, no” I said, ”Come for food”

I said "no, comeforfood"

"Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable."

"Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable!!"