A list of puns related to "Over The Counter"
To which the son replied βOlive!β
Its really sad. His life was taken for granite.
He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Β‘Eso sΓ que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
The Dalai Lama hands over a $10 bill, and after a moment asks for his change. The man behind the counter says, "no, the change must come from within"
more like dad revelations. I was pulling up carpet and padding Sunday because we adopted two very rude Husky puppies last year that like to urinate in the house. As I was working, I was listening to Parliment Funkadelic on Pandora and I came to the realization that I was listening to P-Funk as I was dealing with pee funk.
Another thing that happened the same day was I took an opened bag of bird feed out of the closet to pull the carpet up and when I looked at it a bit later, I saw beetles all over the bag and crawling on the counter where I had set it. Probably 40 of the little suckers. I had to text my wife about that one. "Honey, I've got bad news. Our bag of bird feed has been infested with beetles. Yes, our bird feed has been infested with... more bird feed."
Anyway, just thought I would share. Carry on with the groaners.
Me: "So you can use any of my soap or shampoo you find in the shower. I set a clean towel on the counter for you and pushed the stool under the sink so you won't trip over it."
Boyfriend: "I mean, I'd prefer if you flushed any stool down the toilet before I shower, but as long as I don't trip on it I guess we're okay."
Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.
"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.
"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.
They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.
"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.
"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.
"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.
"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"
"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."
"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.
"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."
As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.
"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.
"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."
"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.
"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.
"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.
"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.
"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.
"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."
I currently have a very uncomfortable and inflamed bug bite on my foot. This morning while making my coffee, I noticed a fat mosquito walking around on the counter. I called my husband over to kill it.
He grabbed a napkin, killed it, and said, "Wow. That was definitely the Goddess Mosquito."
I obviously asked with genuine curiosity, "What's a Goddess Mosquito?"
He said,
"It's the one that got us."
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
The rest are over the counter
As my father and I stood at the counter giving our information the desk attendant asked.
βDo you have a floor preference?β
My Dad: βyes I would like a floor...?!β
Desk clerk: βNo sir, what level?β
My Dad: βIβve done this a few times... so how about intermediateβ
I swear I could hear eyes rolling all over the lobby.
And there was a coffee on a counter. One of the employees knocked the coffee over and it spilled on the ground. The owner of the coffee was upset but I told her at least it was freshly ground!
My wife and I were waiting in line at the pharmacy to get her some of the good stuff from behind the counter. When she's sick she can be a little overly dramatic.
Her: "I think I'm dying, do they make anything for that?"
Me: "Funerals"
A while back my parents had a night out and they'd mentioned they would probably go to a movie, so when they got home I asked them which one they saw:
Mom: That Stephen King one, The Mist, I think.
Me: I wanted to see that sometime, how was it?
Dad: It was entertaining, but to be honest I thought it might have been a little over cast.
-Cue boisterous laughter and counter top slapping-
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
I work at a place that makes shakes. Had a bit of a spill one day of a certain green-colored one. My manager looks over and says, "Well, at least the counter's still in mint condition."
It was a sunny afternoon in the city, and a 29 foot Amazonian Anaconda slithered into a hipster burger store. The snake slithered up to the counter and looked over the menu to find that everything was gluten free. The anaconda was disappointed, because he always found that the light fluffy bread on each end of his burger was his favorite part of the burger.
The clerk greeted him with a smile. "Hello! My name is Hyun! Can I take your order?" he said.
The anaconda responded with a sentence so foul I cannot type it here. It contained several swear words and many racial slurs against his server, all because the burgers would be served without buns.
Hyun reeled back in disgust. He requested an apology from the snake. Again, the anaconda belted out horrible curses and vulgarities.
Hyun, being the good Christian man that he is, said that he would call upon his good friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism on the snake if he didn't leave. The snake finally slithered out upon hearing this.
About an hour later, the anaconda slithered back in with his owner. They approached the counter.
"Now what seems to be the problem here?" Said the anaconda's owner.
"This snake came in swearing up a storm and causing all kind of trouble all because we don't serve gluten in this restaurant" said Hyun.
"I threatened to call my friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism if he didn't leave."
"Oh" said the anaconda's owner "Sorry about that. My Anaconda don't want nun unless you got buns, Hyun".
I used to work at a record store in my younger years (read: my 20's). Im working with my friend Tony and the store is dead. A guy walks in and approaches the counter where we are both standing. After the usual greeting, the guy asks "Where do y'all keep the Little Feat". Without missing a beat, I say "in little shoes." I break out laughing, while Tony says "it's right over here in pop. I'll show you". I continued to laugh for about 20 minutes.
Also, no one ever finds this funny. It still makes me chuckle.
Dad: "Do you have frogs legs?" Waitress: "Yes" Dad: "Great! Hop over the counter and get me a beer!"
My father told me this when I was young. He grew up on a farm back in the 40's and 50's and for the longest time they had an outhouse that was their primary bathroom. One night he was sitting in there taking a crap when he hears a voice coming from below him. It was saying very quietly "If the log rolls over, we will die". He is sitting their puzzled but he keeps hearing it over and over again "If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die"...
Now he starts to freak out so he wipes himself and runs inside and grabs the flashlight off the counter and comes back out to check it out. Only now, it is louder and more frantic If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die.
He crept up to the toilet hole, turned on the flashlight and slowly peered over the edge of the toilet and what he saw scared the hell out of him...
It was a bunch of ants sitting on a turd and chanting If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die
My wife and son and I went to get a dessert at a new bakery in town. In the display case I saw some lemon currant cookies.
I asked the lady behind the counter if they had dates in them, and she went and asked the baker in the back.
She came back and said, "nope, no dates."
I said, "they're out of dates, they don't sound current to me!" my wife slunk over to a table while the lady and I (mostly I) laughed.
The year was 2007. The movie Reign Over Me was showing in theaters, so my family made our way down to the theater. My dad moseys his way on up to the ticket counter,
Dad: Can I have four tickets to that show... What's it called... Something about the weather?
Ticket Counter Woman: (blank stare)
Dad: Oh I know, I'll have four tickets to Water On My Head.
Ticker Counter Woman: (more uncomfortable blank staring)
Dad: Oh I'm sorry, I meant REIGN ON ME!
Cue more blank stares from the ticket sales woman.
The fact that I still vividly remember that joke, more than all the others, 7 years later kind of amazes me.
I begin to pour the remainder of the freshly cooked chips from the tray on to the plate. At the bottom I notice there are some fries left in the tray. Coworker leans in and says "Surfries!"
I set the tray down and we cackle over the remark. Manager quickly puts his hand on the counter and flips the tray up, sending a small portion of salty fries into and around his eye. I turn to my coworker: "Surfries!"
Dad goes under the sink to look for the granite counter cleaner.
Dad: "where's the granite...?" Me: looks around "it's all over the place" He looks up and just shakes his head while my stepmom bursts out laughing.
We were at the register and the cashier says "Oh my gosh! You *pointing at my sister* look like the girl from The Last Exorcism!"
After a little semi-awkward dialogue, I asked if the cashier was talking about the person who gets exercised in the film, and she says yes.
Without skipping a beat, I look over to my sister and say "THAT MAKES YOU MY EXORSISTER!"
She then digs her face into the counter with the "Yup. This is what I live with" face
My parents are in their late 60s (this is relevant to the dad joke), and our whole family was visiting for the day for my sister's and my birthday. While my mom was trying to fill the coffee maker with water my dad asked her how many candles he'd need to total our combined ages. She started thinking about it and poured water all over the kitchen counter.
My dad went around the rest of the day telling everyone not to ask her any difficult questions because she can't concentrate and hold her water at the same time.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sΓ que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
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