I told my dad that Major League Baseball is banning collisions at home plate...

He responded... http://imgur.com/vJI33Rx

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OlerudsHelmet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
🚨︎ report
The first car I ever owned was totaled in a rear-end collision.

It was quite hard braking for me.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2022
🚨︎ report
There was a Facebook post from my local newspaper titled "car vs train collision"

I asked in the comments who won, and the angry commentors made it clear the train did. So I replied with "I guess they must have been under trained"

Probably my best and worst joke I've ever made

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tprice43
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a horrific collision at sea when a tanker full of red paint hit a tanker full of blue paint.

All the sailors were marooned.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fourchimney
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy I knew died after a head on collision with a caribou.

A moment of silent for my DEERLY departed friend.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Own_Presence1271
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you cross walking with running?

Rockin'.

Or a collision.

Take your pick.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2022
🚨︎ report
There was a collision at sea between two tankers...one carrying blue paint, one carrying red paint.

There were no casualties but a number of crewmen were marooned.

πŸ‘︎ 284
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsureyoudo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2016
🚨︎ report
How do collision repair shops meet new customers?

By accident

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scrpn17w
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
🚨︎ report
What is a baseball player's favorite kind of traffic collision?

Hit and run.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2friends_12pizzas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was the car so depressed after its collision?

It didn't have a wheel to live.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AntidoteYYMBR
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
🚨︎ report
There was a collision on the freeway involving a church bus.

Nun survived.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scnottaken
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2016
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend should learn to buckle up when she gets in a head on collision with my dadjokes.

My girlfriend was shopping for a new vehicle when she messaged me and said, "I can't find a standard to test drive. It saddens me."

To which I replied, "You mean it sedans you?"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrizztDoUrdenZ
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
🚨︎ report
A psychic got in a head on collision with an 18 wheeler

I can't believe she didn't see it coming.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/clitbeastwood
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2015
🚨︎ report
No, Sir. I found one!

I really don’t know where to post this, it’s kind of a dad joke, I suppose, but it’s a story I that had just come to mind.

I was in a head-on collision several years ago and suffered a broken left tibia, which had to be pinned. I had been visiting the doctor, a week or so after surgery, so they could get a look at everything. I was in a wheelchair in the lobby where there were several elderly patients from a local assisted living facility. I was wearing one sneaker and one bedroom shoe, because my left foot was swollen still.

An older gentleman in a wheelchair, wearing a hospital gown, asked me: β€œSon, did you lose a shoe?”

I said, β€œNo, Sir. I found one!”

He had a good laugh and patted me on my good leg as they wheeled him out to the facility’s van.

It made me feel really good to see him laugh like that at my goofy little joke.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2021
🚨︎ report
EMT teacher got us with this one

We were reviewing different forms of traumatic injuries in my EMT class such as traffic collisions, gun shot wounds, and resulting effects and treatments for the injuries when my teacher pulls this one on us:

Teacher: "So what would come after falls then?"

Student: "Spinal immobilization?"

Teacher: "Winters."

Edit: some words

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lock-n-Toad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2016
🚨︎ report
What does Trump say about a car crash he was involved in?

No Collision!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Acoolgamer6706
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Got my wife as she explained something to our toddler.

My wife couldn't open a jar of grape jelly. Our two year old didn't understand why she had to bring it to me. He was only concerned with how long it was taking to make his sandwich. I opened it, but it was pretty hard because the jelly had caked around the threads and dried in place, gluing the lid to the jar.

My wife saw our son getting impatient and told him, "Hold on kiddo, mommy couldn't open the jar, so she had to bring it to daddy. Even daddy had a hard time opening it."

At this point, my internal dad joke radar started screaming a proximity warning. The collision with a dad joke was imminent. I smiled, took half a second to bask in my dad glory, and added, "Yeah, it was jammed."

Wife groaned, but son laughed (because he saw the lid was finally open). I take whatever I can get.

πŸ‘︎ 249
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtaxNOOOOOO
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
🚨︎ report
[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
🚨︎ report
As I get my kids to sleep

My wife asks me to look at my 2yo's nose (she had a collision with the wall earlier today). I look hard and close. I say "it looks red...it looks...like it smells". Queue eye roll.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yuaskin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Too soon?

Disclaimer: I'm not a Dad.

Yesterday my sister posted on facebook that her son had had a collision with a coffee table, the result of which is 6 stitches next to his eye, and his eye has swollen up.

My facebook response: "Sounds like he'll be eyeing the coffee table sideways for a little while."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nibrox
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.