Was checking my son's essay about the countryside and saw he kept writing the word 'hll'. So I told him to never forget...
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︎ Jan 14 2021
You know why they call it a checking account?
Cause Iβm always checking to see if thereβs money.
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︎ Nov 22 2020
I recently watched "Nosferatu" for the first time. Interesting. Now, I'm checking out "Nosfera 2: New Berlin-ings".
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︎ Oct 30 2020
After checking the delivery tracking app, my wife yelled in a fit of rage, βnow my package isnβt coming for another 5 days!β
I replied, now you know how I feel.
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︎ Aug 02 2020
What did my doctor tell me after checking my blood test for spelling errors?
He told me it was Typo Negative
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︎ Nov 07 2020
Itβs October 1st. Just checking:
Did anyone wake up Green Day today?
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︎ Oct 01 2020
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
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︎ Nov 30 2019
For my next performance I will sort out my checking account while on a high wire
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︎ Jun 28 2020
Iβm pretty sure that the hotel receptionist was checking me out.
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︎ Jan 01 2019
My dentist sold his socks after checking my teeth
he had incisor information
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︎ Mar 22 2020
Checking out with the cashier at Costco when he asked "do you wanna box for your food?"
I said you dont want these hands son.
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︎ Mar 07 2020
Checking out your butt in a dressing room is just you looking through a rear-view mirror.
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︎ Nov 26 2019
Iβm checking you out!
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︎ Dec 29 2019
I think the girl at the grocery store register likes me. She's always checking me out!
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︎ Aug 22 2019
I was checking out at the grocery store and the cashier didnβt put the batteries in the same bag with my food and I said itβs cool go ahead and put them in the same bag I donβt care he looked at me with a straight face and saidβ¦
Is that how you get your electrolytes?
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︎ Jan 28 2020
Why was the pirate angry when he was checking out at the grocery store?
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︎ Sep 23 2019
im checking my self out
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︎ Jun 09 2019
The metal detector beeped when the guard was checking me. He asked me if I had any metallic stuff with me, I said:
No...it just beeped because my Shirt is Ironed.
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︎ Sep 12 2019
As I am checking out, I read his nametag and I ask the large black male cashier, "did your momma really name you Amanda?"
I was very surprised that he responded : "Yes, because I am A Man!"
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︎ Dec 02 2019
After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...
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︎ Sep 04 2019
A typical "school" joke in my country, when a teacher was checking the attendance in the class:
"Who's not here, please raise your hand."
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︎ Oct 25 2019
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
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︎ Dec 29 2018
As a Physician I love checking for peoples reflexes,
I get a real kick out of it.
π︎ 10
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︎ Sep 10 2018
A mere cat checking out the finer points of 2-meter communications.
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 22 2019
checking
Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
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︎ Jun 19 2019
I was checking the website of an optical brand...
they have a strong vision statement
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︎ Jul 23 2019
While checking in at the hotel: desk person asks if we have reservations, Dad says βwe did, but we came anywayβ
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︎ Jun 01 2019
A photon was at the airport, checking in for its flight. The agent asks it if it has any luggage.
The photon says, "No, I'm a light traveler"
π︎ 27
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︎ Jan 10 2019
Just double checking my footnotes
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︎ Sep 01 2018
Checking in at a hotel and the front desk agent tells me they donβt have a bell hop for the night.
I told her they should get the Nobel Prize.
She just stared at me blankly for 8 seconds until she said.... βcheck out is at 10β
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︎ Jan 10 2019
Checking emails gives you a good night sleep
They have a high thread count
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 25 2019
When regularly checking in on my bedridden girlfriend
I did my best owl impression, complete with hooting noises and flappy wings, whilst offering tea, backrubs and pillow fluffs. When she finally asked what I was doing I replied "my owly check".
I'd like to say the groan was due to ailment, but it was all me.
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︎ Aug 25 2016
I was checking the weather with my girlfriend
Me: It looks like it's going to rain on Tuesday
Gf: Don't trust that too much, the weather is like never right
Me: Not if it's 90 degrees outside
I got a really good sigh out of that
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︎ Aug 05 2015
I got a new job in the airport checking what people are bringing into the country from their holidays...
I'm slowly getting accustoms to it
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︎ Jun 30 2018
We were checking into a swanky hotel.
As my father and I stood at the counter giving our information the desk attendant asked.
βDo you have a floor preference?β
My Dad: βyes I would like a floor...?!β
Desk clerk: βNo sir, what level?β
My Dad: βIβve done this a few times... so how about intermediateβ
I swear I could hear eyes rolling all over the lobby.
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︎ Dec 05 2018
I was checking in to a flight and the time came to pick a seat
The flight attendant asked "Window or aisle?"
To which I replied "Window or you'll what?"
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︎ Sep 08 2018
The only time someone was checking me out, they were a security guard at the airport.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 01 2019
What did the Bhuddist say to the Hotel Clerk when asked if he was checking out of his room?
π︎ 8
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︎ Jun 14 2018
Why did the detective keep checking the bottom of his legs?
Because he had his suspicions that something was afoot.
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︎ Jul 21 2018
I caught my Dad checking some chick out as he was driving
So it's my dad and i, sitting the the car, he was driving and i was in the passenger seat. All of a sudden he seemed to slow down a little as if he was giving way to someone turning in. however there where no cars, and i could see him glaring out of the window at what seemed to be the nicest pair of jugs id ever seen. anyway i got pretty pissed and asked him what the hell he is doing? to which he replied : "Its ok to look at the menu, As long as you eat at home son"... i laughed so hard at this, and i'm pretty sure he wanted to make it obvious to "teach me some sort of lesson".
anyway thats my little bit of humor, not that anyone will probably care !
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︎ Jul 22 2013
Checking for eggs
In the shops
Pick up a carton of eggs
Open the carton to check for broken eggs
Say audibly "Yep, they're eggs"
Sometimes get a chuckle from an obvious dad
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︎ May 18 2016
I'm giving up checking my dryer for Lent.
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︎ Feb 09 2016
you know why men in movies remove their glasses when checking out a woman's figure?
because hindsight is 20/20
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︎ Oct 28 2016
Checking into the hotel, and the man at the desk asks what brings us into town...
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︎ Dec 15 2016
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