Was checking my son's essay about the countryside and saw he kept writing the word 'hll'. So I told him to never forget...
You know why they call it a checking account?
Cause I’m always checking to see if there’s money.
I recently watched "Nosferatu" for the first time. Interesting. Now, I'm checking out "Nosfera 2: New Berlin-ings".
After checking the delivery tracking app, my wife yelled in a fit of rage, “now my package isn’t coming for another 5 days!”
I replied, now you know how I feel.
What did my doctor tell me after checking my blood test for spelling errors?
He told me it was Typo Negative
It’s October 1st. Just checking:
Did anyone wake up Green Day today?
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
For my next performance I will sort out my checking account while on a high wire
I’m pretty sure that the hotel receptionist was checking me out.
My dentist sold his socks after checking my teeth
he had incisor information
Checking out with the cashier at Costco when he asked "do you wanna box for your food?"
I said you dont want these hands son.
Checking out your butt in a dressing room is just you looking through a rear-view mirror.
I think the girl at the grocery store register likes me. She's always checking me out!
I was checking out at the grocery store and the cashier didn’t put the batteries in the same bag with my food and I said it’s cool go ahead and put them in the same bag I don’t care he looked at me with a straight face and said…
Is that how you get your electrolytes?
Why was the pirate angry when he was checking out at the grocery store?
The metal detector beeped when the guard was checking me. He asked me if I had any metallic stuff with me, I said:
No...it just beeped because my Shirt is Ironed.
As I am checking out, I read his nametag and I ask the large black male cashier, "did your momma really name you Amanda?"
I was very surprised that he responded : "Yes, because I am A Man!"
After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...
A typical "school" joke in my country, when a teacher was checking the attendance in the class:
"Who's not here, please raise your hand."
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
As a Physician I love checking for peoples reflexes,
I get a real kick out of it.
A mere cat checking out the finer points of 2-meter communications.
checking
Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
I was checking the website of an optical brand...
they have a strong vision statement
While checking in at the hotel: desk person asks if we have reservations, Dad says “we did, but we came anyway”
A photon was at the airport, checking in for its flight. The agent asks it if it has any luggage.
The photon says, "No, I'm a light traveler"
Just double checking my footnotes
Checking in at a hotel and the front desk agent tells me they don’t have a bell hop for the night.
I told her they should get the Nobel Prize.
She just stared at me blankly for 8 seconds until she said.... “check out is at 10”
Checking emails gives you a good night sleep
They have a high thread count
When regularly checking in on my bedridden girlfriend
I did my best owl impression, complete with hooting noises and flappy wings, whilst offering tea, backrubs and pillow fluffs. When she finally asked what I was doing I replied "my owly check".
I'd like to say the groan was due to ailment, but it was all me.
I was checking the weather with my girlfriend
Me: It looks like it's going to rain on Tuesday
Gf: Don't trust that too much, the weather is like never right
Me: Not if it's 90 degrees outside
I got a really good sigh out of that
I got a new job in the airport checking what people are bringing into the country from their holidays...
I'm slowly getting accustoms to it
We were checking into a swanky hotel.
As my father and I stood at the counter giving our information the desk attendant asked.
“Do you have a floor preference?”
My Dad: “yes I would like a floor...?!”
Desk clerk: “No sir, what level?”
My Dad: “I’ve done this a few times... so how about intermediate”
I swear I could hear eyes rolling all over the lobby.
I was checking in to a flight and the time came to pick a seat
The flight attendant asked "Window or aisle?"
To which I replied "Window or you'll what?"
The only time someone was checking me out, they were a security guard at the airport.
What did the Bhuddist say to the Hotel Clerk when asked if he was checking out of his room?
Why did the detective keep checking the bottom of his legs?
Because he had his suspicions that something was afoot.
I caught my Dad checking some chick out as he was driving
So it's my dad and i, sitting the the car, he was driving and i was in the passenger seat. All of a sudden he seemed to slow down a little as if he was giving way to someone turning in. however there where no cars, and i could see him glaring out of the window at what seemed to be the nicest pair of jugs id ever seen. anyway i got pretty pissed and asked him what the hell he is doing? to which he replied : "Its ok to look at the menu, As long as you eat at home son"... i laughed so hard at this, and i'm pretty sure he wanted to make it obvious to "teach me some sort of lesson".
anyway thats my little bit of humor, not that anyone will probably care !
Checking for eggs
In the shops
Pick up a carton of eggs
Open the carton to check for broken eggs
Say audibly "Yep, they're eggs"
Sometimes get a chuckle from an obvious dad
I'm giving up checking my dryer for Lent.
you know why men in movies remove their glasses when checking out a woman's figure?
because hindsight is 20/20
Checking into the hotel, and the man at the desk asks what brings us into town...
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