After checking the delivery tracking app, my wife yelled in a fit of rage, “now my package isn’t coming for another 5 days!”
I replied, now you know how I feel.
Checking out your butt in a dressing room is just you looking through a rear-view mirror.
I was checking out at the grocery store and the cashier didn’t put the batteries in the same bag with my food and I said it’s cool go ahead and put them in the same bag I don’t care he looked at me with a straight face and said…
Is that how you get your electrolytes?
After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...
A typical "school" joke in my country, when a teacher was checking the attendance in the class:
"Who's not here, please raise your hand."
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
While checking in at the hotel: desk person asks if we have reservations, Dad says “we did, but we came anyway”
A photon was at the airport, checking in for its flight. The agent asks it if it has any luggage.
The photon says, "No, I'm a light traveler"
Checking in at a hotel and the front desk agent tells me they don’t have a bell hop for the night.
I told her they should get the Nobel Prize.
She just stared at me blankly for 8 seconds until she said.... “check out is at 10”
When regularly checking in on my bedridden girlfriend
I did my best owl impression, complete with hooting noises and flappy wings, whilst offering tea, backrubs and pillow fluffs. When she finally asked what I was doing I replied "my owly check".
I'd like to say the groan was due to ailment, but it was all me.
I got a new job in the airport checking what people are bringing into the country from their holidays...
I'm slowly getting accustoms to it
I was checking in to a flight and the time came to pick a seat
The flight attendant asked "Window or aisle?"
To which I replied "Window or you'll what?"
you know why men in movies remove their glasses when checking out a woman's figure?
because hindsight is 20/20
So I am checking in at the airport with dad
on our way down to PAX and after we've checked our baggage he asks the attendant
"would I be able to check my son in as baggage too?" and when the attendant tells him he can't he replies with
"I guess I'll just have to ♫ Carry on my wayward son ♫
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
Pirate goes to doctor to have groin pain checked. Dr. looks down pirates pants and says, “you have a captain’s steering wheel in your pants.”
Pirate replied, “arghh, it’s driving me nuts”.
If you're ever in India you have to check out my favorite restaurant
One day in the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance...
If your vehicle breaks down in California, make sure your mechanic uses the state flag to check your oil ...
Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis"
Guy #1: Check out these pictures I took of the wheat fields during my drive in the country
Guy #2: That would explain why they look so grainy
A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game. The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in checkmate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."
Wasted 4 hours in the ER this morning getting a mole checked out.
Apparently they all look the same and I should have left it in the yard.
My dad told me to look in the fridge and check out the milk that went bad
I keep hearing Mission Control check in with Dragon Crew, asking "How do you read, over."
And I just KNOW if I were up there I would be physically unable to keep myself from responding "Dragon to Mission Control, I read with my eyes, over."
I wonder how many times before they airlock me.
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote “Ant” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
A new zoo opened in town. I went to check it out, but the first and only thing that they had was a single dog in a cage.
Help!! Creative Minds Needed!!
My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. I’d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since we’re there.
Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says “coolest dad in the galaxy,” a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift I’m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.
Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??
- I’m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!
Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I don’t really have that “creative” part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesn’t matter!
I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.
When I was training to be a teller, an old woman came in and asked me to check her balance.
Social Distancing Pickup Lines
- If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I?
- Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me?
- Can't spell virus without U and I.
- Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin.
- I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there.
- Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink?
- Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T.
credit: some facebook post i saw.
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids' suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
Walked up to the receptionist at the clinic today to check in for my appointment. She asked: Which Doctor?
I said, no - the normal doctor.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
I was in Bangkok with my wife recently. I suggested we check out one of the many temples.
She said “wat pho?”
And I said “idk just to get a little culture?”
A boy was sitting at home playing video games when suddenly his dad bursts in through the front door and says, “Son, look, check out my new AirPods!”
The boy looks at his father’s ears but sees nothing. “Dad, there’s nothing there.”
“Yeah I know, they’re literal!”
While driving my wife says to me: there is a problem with my check in July.
Me: check in July?
Wife: yes, it is on
Batman gets word that somebody is in trouble and needs to be rescued quick...
Batman: Robin! Quick! Go get the Batmobile!
Robin: Sure thing, Batman!
A few minutes later...
Robin: The Batmobile won't start. In fact, it won't even turn over!
Batman: Check the battery.
Robin: What's a tery?
A police officer stops a guy carrying a backpack on suspicion of terrorism.
The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack.
The guy obliges.
In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.
"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"
"But why?" the guy protests.
"You have been caught carrying weapons of math instruction!"
When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.
Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."
Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!
An old lady in bank asked me if I can check her balance
I lost my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
I was in the bank the other day, an old woman asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
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