β€œCapitol Razing” audiobook ignited the January 6th Capitol Riots
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πŸ‘€︎ u/connolnp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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Son: "Dad, did you see pictures of that guy at the Capitol stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium? That's domestic terrorism!"

Dad: "Wrong, son. He was just taking a political stand."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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What’s the difference between the police response to Black Lives Matter protests and their response to the Capitol Hill riots?

Well, it’s black and white.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisDiff
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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What do you call a bunch of racist red necks storming the Capitol Building?

The Coup Klux Klan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobMV03
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Why did the sushi chef go to the capitol riots?

To protest the Unagi Ration.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cat-dad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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Good thing there are just the two doors to the US Capitol building

Cause attempted sedan doesn’t have the same ring to it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeugirdork
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...

I don't think anyone is shocked.

(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/christag
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Son: β€œWhat crime would I be charged with if I broke into the Capitol and planted a forest?”

Dad: β€œWell I’m no legal expert, but I suspect there’d be some trees in there.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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Why did the orchestra leave the riot at the Capitol?

Donald Trump said protesting was good, but he wanted no violins

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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If someone lived in Egypt's capitol and became a chiropractor...

... they could call themselves "The Cairo Chiro".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bubbazord
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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There was a zombie infestation in South Korea's Capitol

The president, hiding in a secret bunker, ordered the city to be nuked to contain the outbreak, killing both zombies and civilians in the area.

After the strike, he went to celebrate with his wife, but she was sad.

"Honey, we just ended the zombie epidemic. Why are you sad?" he asked.

She responded: "You killed millions of civilians. How can I be happy if you no longer have a Seoul?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeforepic_inc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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I have decided to write all my jokes in capitols from now on.

This one was written in London.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
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My dad got me while listing the legislative buildings of several countries. He said, β€œThe US has Capitol Hill, Germany has the Reichstag Building, the UK has the Palace of Westminster...

...and Australia has the Outback Statehouse.”

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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I want to open a bratwurst factory, but I might not have the capitol

I may have to do some krautfunding first

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrbadxampl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
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What's the difference between Mordor and the Capital?

One does not simply walk into Mordor

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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What’s with all the talk about horny bugs in Washington D.C.?

I keep hearing about the capital insect erection.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ukimeouch
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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Turned on the US News and didn't realize...

That there was a new Gerard Butler movie: "Capitol Hill has Fallen"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SliceOfLife37
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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I know it's too soon and still very controversial, but it's likely that the rioters may have the death penalty.

It was, after all, a Capitol offense.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguebuckeye
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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Communists around the world watched gleefully as the Washington riots unfolded.

Karl Marx was right when he wrote Das Capitol.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/praisethelort
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capitolpuns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Punctuation counts.

When to use a hyphen:

The test asked, "What is the capitol of Florida?"

I wrote, "F".

When I got my test back I learned: Apparently, the answer was "F - ".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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Did you hear about the Band Director who got fired and started a car towing company?

He called it Stuck Auto.

It was a huge success and he found time to focus on his passion for martial arts founding a new school based on starting slow and building up speed. It's called Crush En Do.

It was most noticeably used by a section of the terrorist organization in the United States Capitol. They're known as the D.C. Al Coda.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rannak
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
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Is the Capital of Kentucky pronounced Loo-iss-vil or Loo-ee-vil?

It is pronounced Frankfort.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marycartlizer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2015
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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take him on a piss up to Iceland. When asked why he said:

I want to wreck ya vic!

Why should you never let a man go swimming in Finland with weights on his ankles?

Coz He'll sinky

What do people most commonly use toilet paper for in Bandar Seri Begawan?

Their Brunei

Catwoman bet her male counterpart he couldn't pronouce the capitol of Nepal. But cat man do.

Why was the Polish man rubbing his bollocks? Coz they warsaw.

I just came up with a cracking pun for Japan. Alas, all the wife could say was "What Tokyo so long?"

The ex Mrs McCartney got naked in East Germany in the 80s. She was known for years in the area as Bare-lin

Cheap flights to Russia still available! Book now! Everything Moscow!

The people of Bahamas think learning Capitol cities is Nassau important

The people of the Netherlands had a need to build a water driven power station as well as an overabundance of pork products. So they used 'Ams to Dam a river.

A husband and wife in the Phillipines were both very, very unwell. The woman was sick, but the man iller.

What's the average Senegalian's favoured mode of transport? Da car

Have you heard about the talking cat in Somalia that only throws insults? The Moggy Diss you

They are obsessed with John Cleese in Uruguay. They love a video of Fawlty towers almost as much as they love a Montevideo

People from Vietnam Hanoi the hell outta me

Rain storms are very rare in Zambia, but in Zimbabwe they Harera

Before you do a joke about Macedonia, let me Skopje right there

I've heard Swedish Ikea workers get stuff for free, they can just take Stockholm

If you are trying to eat Halal in Pakistan, Islamabad or good choice?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spoghead
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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I named my stomach Budapest

Because its the capitol of Hungary

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stlnthngs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
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Talking to my co-workers about Canada...

Co-worker 1: "I sometimes think I should know more about Canada."

Co-worker 2: "I feel like if you know the capitol of Canada and the capitol of Ontario, you're ahead of 99% of Americans."

Me: "Yeah, that or Nunavut."

collective groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoxGens
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
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A band director got fired...

So he opened a towing company called StuckAuto. It was successful and he made 3/4 times the money which allowed him to retire and focus on his passion for martial arts.

He founded a new style based on starting slow and building up known as Crush en Do. This style gained fame when it was found to be the chosen style of a terrorist group operating out of our Nations Capitol known as the D.C. Al Coda.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rannak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2015
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A political dad joke

So I'm visiting Puerto Rico with my family (dad, mom, sister and I). One of the main attractions in San Juan is the Capitol building. After walking around for a while, I had to go to the bathroom. This is the exchange that ensued:

Me: Have you seen any bathrooms nearby?

Dad: Nope, no bathrooms around here.

Me: Ummm, why not?

Dad: Because all politicians are full of shit!

Groans were had all around

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DonJu4n
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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