Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
So I asked the employee if I could see the clock for sale, so she gave it to me. I asked my dad if I could buy it.
My dad said “we don’t have Time for that, we’re gonna leave any Second now, so Hand it back to the lady and head back to Hour car”
So, I’ve been hearing people talk about probiotics and how good they are for you. I don’t buy into it.
I guess you could say that I’m anti-biotic.
I am so incredibly surprised by how easy it is to buy my shirts online...
I swear I nearly shipped my pants.
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
A man in a watch store decided to buy a watch, but wanted it sprayed with Matte.
"Not on my watch" said the store clerk.
My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldn’t work
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta
I went shopping at Coles to buy Mayonnaise, but they said it was illegal to buy without cabbage and carrots.
I got banned from the buy sell trade group for this but it was worth it.
imgur.com/jrZ6LX8
I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
I was going to buy my kid this winter coat we saw at the mall, but I couldn't afford it.
The password is “you need to buy a drink first” for people who don’t get it
My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....
My daughter asked me to buy post it notes because we were out...
I told her to write it on a sticky note so I'd remember
I want to buy a female dog and name it “Karma”
If you buy MyPillow it's no longer MyPillow....
I buy yogurt to the point where some people call it hoarding
But I know it’s just cultured behaviour
What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool?
I was going to buy the world's most haunted house. I toured it, but it seemed like a normal house...
Nothing jumped out at me.
Saw a radio for sale for only $2, wanted to buy it but the volume was stuck on full. Thought to myself...
... boy I just can't turn that down
My wife wanted to buy a ceiling light. She said, “this one comes with a hanging chain but I think we should just mount it flush with the ceiling.”
I said, “that would be off the chain.”
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my dad carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
My English grammar teacher was having some marriage problems and it was really getting to him, so the whole class joined in to buy him a gift
After we bought him a simple present, he was past tense
A friend loaned me his telescope and asked if I wanted to buy it.
I told him I’m looking into it.
I couldn’t decide on how much lettuce to buy, until my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase.
what do you call it when someone is indecisive about which yarn to buy?
Was discussing groceries with my parents earlier tonight when my mom declared (of my dad), "he buys cereal then never eats it!"
I immediately interjected, "Wait: Are you saying dad is a cereal offender‽"
A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”
Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn”
Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
A guy tried to sell me a fake Picasso, but I didn’t buy it.
I used my artistic lie-sense.
I decided not to buy a baguette after seeing a pathetic mock up of it in the bakery window.
It was a terrible roll model.
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!
She's going to love these flowers!
It’s impossible to buy an unused mirror
If you buy an album and it goes platinum, you're technically one in a million.
If you buy real, block Parmesan you don't have to worry about tossing it in your bag
What's it called when hyperactive grandma's buy flat screen TVs?
I tried to buy some Polaroid camera film on Amazon but there weren't any images of the products. I asked the seller why that was and he said he didn't want to embarrass his film because it was camera shy.
Apparently camera film is photosensitive
If your house is flooded, contact me, I'll buy it.
I only invest in liquid assets.
Why is it risky to buy ribeye and sirloin directly from a cattle rancher?
Because he raises the steaks.
What do you call it when you buy something on line from the Middle East and get ripped off?
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head...
I couldn’t decide how much lettuce to buy, but my wife helped me think through it.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I couldn’t decide how much lettuce to buy, but my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I really want to buy one of those grocery dividers, but the lady at the checkout keeps putting it back
I really want to buy one of those grocery dividers, but the lady at the checkout keeps putting it back
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