My wheelchair bound girlfriend broke up with me.

I think it was because she couldn’t stand me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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Our cemetery is really getting crowded.

Seems people are just dyin to get into it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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I replaced our bed with a king-sized trampoline.

When she finds out, my wife is going to hit the roof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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What do you call a muscle-bound bee?

Beefy

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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I want to push you around, yeah I will. I want to push you down, yeah I will. I want to take you for granite, yeah yeah yeah...

Rob Thomas volunteers to help the wheel chair bound elderly remodel their kitchen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_LumberZack_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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Why can wheelchair bound people survive underwater?

because sharks don't eat vegetables

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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I stole my dog back from the Homeward Bound movie set.

It’s not funny, but I figured I’d take my Chance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazedInventor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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Have you heard about the Broadway-bound sensation, "The Linguists?"

It's a real play on words.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lobsterbash
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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My boy bounded down the stairs this morning, screaming, "I'm finally ten! I'm finally ten!"

He jumped in my awaiting arms and giddily gazed up at me.

I lovingly looked in to his eyes and said, "Hi finally ten! I'm dad!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2017
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Dad humour knows no bounds

So my parents are trying to sell a house at the moment, but having a bit of trouble with it. Mum and dad were discussing it after dinner tonight, and mum was saying she was angry about how it wasn't selling.

Me: "Angry? You won't like her when she's angry."

Mum: "No actually, not really angry, I'm just upset."

Me: "You won't like her when she's upset!"

Dad: "Watch out! It's the Incredible Sulk!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hodgkinsonable
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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Modernist books were bound to happen

Bound

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Padfoot1989
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
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Saw a deal earlier to stay on a canal boat but I was worried about covid situation

There's bound to be a lock down there

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ian_M87
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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I asked my wheelchair-bound friend how he was doing

He just said, "There's one thing I can't stand..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dretland
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
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If a man drops his watch in a toilet

he’s bound to have a shitty time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mystichunterz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Prime numbers and stoners have a lot in common.

The higher they are, the more spaced out they become.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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4 year old asks, β€œDaddy can I have milkshakes for breakfast?”

Mommy: No. milkshakes are not for breakfast.

Me: I’ll give you milkshakes for breakfast!

Mommy: why would you offer him that?

4 y/o bounds into the kitchen, excited for milkshakes.

Me: here’s a cup of milk. And here’s some shakes! (Gently shakes 4 y/o)

Groans all around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alphamale968
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2018
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Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?

Because it's bound to squeal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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There is a wizard who terrorizes libraries by ripping pages out of books...

His evil knows no bounds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Otherbrotherguy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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[x-post /r/jokes] Why did the blind woman fall down the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/au_travail
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2016
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There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
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Seriously?? You’re never heard of John Mayer???

Well.. I guess this is bound to be a while..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZEKEZURITA
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
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So if you were about to kill someone, what kind of pun would you make?

So if you were to tie someone to a horse, then shove the horse off a cliff, what kind of pun would you say as the guy fell to his death?

This is for a story I'm working on, but I can think of is "Get off your high horse," "Have a nice ride," or "Air Horse One!" - and the last one would be anachronistic given the medieval setting. :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MimiTheFirst
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
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Story time!

A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.

Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.

Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.

Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.

Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.

Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.

But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.

Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.

The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:

"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeviantClam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
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Do you have any loose leaf Dad?

Sorry son, I keep all my leaves tightly bound.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lackofsunshine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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Did you know that an alternate version of the Harry Potter story exists where he is never a wizard?

In that version, Harry is a simpleton stable boy who assists Hagrid in repairing hollow straw vessels that Hagrid makes as a hobby, but which are bound to break pretty quick. So he's basically a hay re-potter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLastJoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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In what is the torque of Chinese women measured?

In bound feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ottotrees
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2016
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Made the cashier's head shake..

Cashier: wow it's really raining hard outside like a monsoon!! Me: yeah I know! It was bound to happen monsooner or monlater!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orkenbjorken
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
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