I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep biting him.
I should have known this would happen. He's pure bread.
π︎ 86
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︎ Mar 27 2021
A friend told me that his grilling spices keep biting his feet.
He can't get rid of those mesquite-toes..
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 18 2021
Watch out for shoe bite
π︎ 33
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︎ Feb 25 2021
Thatβs a moray
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
What do you call a small insect that bites Muslims in their house of worship?
π︎ 17
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︎ Apr 05 2021
I canβt take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...
My fault for getting one thatβs pure bread.
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 06 2021
Joe Biden's dog, Major, was kicked out for biting a staffer. I guess you could say he was...
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 12 2021
Why does ants donβt bite after they grow taller?
Because theyβre tolerant.
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Why do vampires bite people's necks to turn them undead?
Because they're neck romancers.
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 06 2021
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, βIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!β
I replied, βI'm on the toilet, please adviseβ¦β
π︎ 16k
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︎ Jun 15 2020
Okay I'll bite.
I'm sick of choking on my food.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 31 2021
When you swim in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek
π︎ 13
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︎ Nov 24 2020
I decided to sell my vacuum...
It was only collecting dust.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
What does a vampire bite if he wants something sweet?
π︎ 43
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︎ Oct 10 2020
What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly but a fly can't mosquito.
My 11 year old daughter told me this one this evening lol.
π︎ 477
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
Stonks, they're all bawk and no bite (or something like that)
π︎ 14
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︎ Jul 14 2020
Wouldn't be surprised to learn Elon Musk to leads a mercenary team of tesla employees who bite victims to spread coronavirus
They are called the Flu Flux Fang!
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︎ Oct 28 2020
What do you call a snake that works for the government?
π︎ 588
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︎ Jan 03 2021
My 13-year-old told me he has an ant bite.
I asked if he has an Uncle Chew.
He hasn't acknowledged me in half an hour.
I can't stop laughing.
π︎ 28
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︎ Aug 20 2020
I made some toast and refused to give our little doggo a bite. My kids asked why she looked so sad...
I told them she was lack-toast intolerant.
π︎ 92
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
When the moon hits the sand and an eel bites your hand
π︎ 16
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︎ Sep 16 2020
What did the Norse god of thunder say after biting his tongue during an intense weight-lifting session?
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 08 2020
My friend and I went fishing. He cast out first and got a bite. So he reeled in a trumpet. Then he cast out in a different area, got a bite and reeled in a clarinet.
After he cast out the third time, I said "maybe you'll reel in a bass soon!"
π︎ 8
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︎ Aug 19 2020
Remember, it is ok to hug a tree...
They are all bark and no bite.
π︎ 11
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︎ Apr 16 2021
Did you hear about the rooster that kept biting everything?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
How do you turn your tongue into a superhero?
You just bite it really hard. It will become Thor.
π︎ 64
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︎ Mar 11 2021
A fly is buzzing along when he feels something bite his back.
Fly: "Ouch! Hey you must be pretty small to fit on my back. Are you a mite?"
Mite: "Yeah, as in I MIGHT bite you again hahaha"
Fly: "Wow.... That might be the worst joke I've ever heard"
Mite: "What can I say? I came up with it on the fly."
π︎ 24
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︎ Jul 16 2020
Another one bites the dust
π︎ 59
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︎ Dec 29 2019
Just plain old frost bite βοΈ
π︎ 11
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︎ May 14 2020
Imagine if vampires had blunt teeth and couldn't bite you
π︎ 24
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︎ Jul 06 2020
I have a dog named Well Enough that bites...
Donβt try to pet him, leave well enough alone.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jul 31 2020
A policeman told me my dog is chasing people on a bike.
I told him my dog doesn't even have a bike.
π︎ 32
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︎ Feb 11 2021
My family ate thresher shark for the first time yesterday. My dad took a bite and said
Look at me!!! A man eating shark!!!
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 01 2020
I finally realized why trees donβt have teeth.
Turns out, theyβre all bark and no bite.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
How do you know if certain fruits are good for you?
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Whatβs worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?
Biting into an apple and finding half of a worm in it!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 05 2020
What does Thomas the Tank Engine say when it bites it's fingernails?
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 01 2020
Bite
π︎ 56
π
︎ Jun 20 2019
What do you call insects that bite you during worship?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 02 2020
My dog keeps biting my watch when I play with him
Good thing he doesnβt eat it, that would be time consuming
π︎ 7
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︎ May 02 2020
Our pet duck keeps biting everyone, so I bought a cheap muzzle for it.
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
π︎ 50
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︎ Dec 05 2019
This Joke Lacks Bite
There are rumors of yet another Bill and Ted Sequel following the one in production. Reportedly, it will feature an older, toothless Keanu Reeves who is fighting with his insurance company.
Yeah, the working title: Billin' Ted for Bogus Dentures.
π︎ 6
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︎ May 05 2020
Thereβs two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking itβs junk
One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.
The other says, you canβt do that. That dogβll bite you.
π︎ 58
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
I once glued a set of false teeth onto a boomerang...
... that came back to bite me.
π︎ 92
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︎ Feb 03 2021
A powerplant worker has a hook and rod submerged into a reactor. Coworker passes by:
Howβs the fission, John?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
I hate it when mosquitoes bite me
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 07 2020
A man is walking down the street
when he notices a hot, busty woman on the sidewalk. He approaches her and says, "I'll give you a thousand dollars if you let me bite your nipples." Naturally the woman was reluctant, but concluding that she really needed the money, she agreed. So they go into an alley, she lifts up her shirt and unhooks her bra. He proceeds to bury his face in her breasts, moving and shaking his head. After a full minute of this, she says, "Well? Aren't you going to bite them?" He walks away, saying, "Nah... that's too expensive."
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
A fly felt something bite his back...
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back"
"Hey! What are you? A mite? "
Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!"
Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard."
Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
π︎ 52
π
︎ Mar 01 2020
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