weed whacking neighbour

My Dad told me his neighbor was weed whacking and ended up snipping off a quarter of his cats tail by mistake. He ended up bringing the cat to Walmart because they are the worlds biggest retailer.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDIPrime
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
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What does a French dominatrix say as she whacks you with a baguette?

Welcome.. to the world of le pain!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alterom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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My grandpa used to have a job keeping score at baseball games. Every time someone scored a run, he'd whack up a mark on a chalkboard.

Nowadays you'd call him a scorekeeper, but back then he was a tally whacker.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redditwhilestoned
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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My friend has peg on his short sleeve shirt for balancing small white balls on when he wants to whack them with a club...

He always wears his tee-shirt when golfing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Mexican whack-a-mole?

Guac-a-mole

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nai_nagitsoc
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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Why did Hitler get whacked with a baseball bat?

Because he did Nazi it coming.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swanky_swanker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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My wife said if I don't get off the computer right now she'll whack me with the keyboard, but

Huur byyym bou by z gfb bfeey jnndtrgg husk hnfddn juyhnb fdsasq wghhng gun the bf JFG..

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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What do you call a recently whacked mob boss?

Al Ca-put

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sioswing
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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Kermit the frog went to the bank to get a mortgage for a new lilypad. He walked up to the desk of loan officer Patricia Whack and placed a small porcelain statue of an angel on her desk asking if she would take it as collateral. "What is that?" she asked...

It's a knick knack, patty whack. Give a frog a loan?

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/curmudge_john
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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The Mafia killed a man in a rice field because of a dispute over a small trinket

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ValkornDoA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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What do you get when you play whack a mole with avocados​?

Whackamoley.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JarynN42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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Whack-a-mole?

I'd rather guac one!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/catanator500
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
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I was cooking burgers with my friend Nicky when I flipped one up high and hit him with it, just below the chin...

It was a Nick neck patty whack.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prexzan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine was telling me about her first day working at a zoo...

When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didn’t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.

The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions β€œso what’s the food like here??” The other lions responded...

β€œActually it’s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SidB_22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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A Mafia hit-man was arrested for killing a man in a rice field with a porcelain figurine.

The police said this is the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeGuy1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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Did you know, the national arcade game of Mexico is...

Gu-whack-a-mole

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rekt555
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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What’s the difference between a golfer & a skydiver?

One goes whack...dammit! The other goes dammit...whack!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lights0ut83
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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I bought a new weed-whacker today...

It's cutting hedge technology...

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do Mafia guys always have the cleanest cars?

From all the whacks

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Got my wife good with this one...

We were discussing how to make Cauliflower cheese, for our son's lunches this week. So you start with a roux and add milk to make white sauce, then add cheese to make cheese sauce. She then asked "what else can you add to a roux?" I quickly replied "there's always kanga." It took her a second, then she whacked me. My job is done.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/83n170
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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What do you call it when you strike a cow with a snow globe?

A Knick-nack patty whack

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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Did you hear about the man who beat his friend with a stolen trinket in the rice fields?

Apparently, it was the first ever case of a knick-knack-paddy-whack.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asian_dodo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you say to a girl with a broken nose?

I broke my nose in a really stupid horse-related accident in Montana.

Dad takes me to the local walk-in clinic. It's mostly empty, as it's around 7pm. As we're giving the insurance information and whatnot to the receptionist, Dad is busy doing that thing where he's texting without his cheaters so he's having to squint and hold the phone away and he's really not paying attention to some question the receptionist is asking...

So I whack him on the arm (with a towel held to my face) and say "Dad, pay attention."

Unblinking, he turns in my direction, without even looking directly at me, he mutters "Shut up, or I'll hit you again."

The receptionist was not pleased. He told the same joke to the doctor who stitched me up, and he laughed his ass off.

Actually, dad cracked so many jokes that the doctor kept having to pause while stitching up my nose. He took so long that the anesthetic wore off and I could definitely feel the last few stitches.

Dr: "Now sir, the stitches are going to cause your daughter's nose to swell quite a bit." Dad: "EVEN BIGGER!? That's amazing!"

Me: "Shut up Dad". Dad: (pinching his nose, speaking nasally) "Shut up Dad".

Unamused 18 year old daughter.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wanderingstar625
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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I hate it when people hit me

It's whack

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeviAEthan512
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Heard about the museum dedicated to Lizzie Borden?

It's a whacks museum.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
🚨︎ report
What's a tortilla chip's favorite game at the state fair?

Whack-a-mol-ey

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/parkerthedeal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
During the eclipse a lot of nocturnal insects started chirping and were pretty active.

I bet their Cicadian Rhythm is totally out of whack.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Je_Desto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2017
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I was so proud of this one

Few weeks ago i was in a car with a my mum and a friend who is a pysch nurse and she was telling me a stories about some of the patients and she said to me a woman swallowed a battery, without me missing a beat I said was she charged with anything? cue everyone in the car groaning and my mum whacking me in the shoulder

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dragonheat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

One goes Whack, Darn. The other goes Darn, Whack

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twinsaber123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
🚨︎ report
What's the CIAs favourite game?

Whack-a-Mole

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackcat74
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Amphibious Lending policies

A frog walks into a bank. He walks up to a desk and sees the name plate "Patty Whack Loan Officer". He says "I'd like to get a loan to start a business making lily-pad art." Patty, a little put off by a talking frog says "Okay, but we are going to need some kind of collateral." The frog says"I have this." and he puts a small porcelain figurine on her desk. She says "That's very nice but I'm not sure it's enough. Do you have any references?" "Sure!" the frog replies. "My Father is Mic Jager!" Further taken aback, Patty says, "I'll have to check this with the bank manager." She calls the bank manager over and explains the odd situation. "I don't know what's going on...this frog says his father is Mic Jager and all he has for collateral is this...figurine thing." The bank manager looks up and smiles at her and says "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!"

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quicksdraw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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My girlfriend's son was telling me about finding a dead mole near the dam he and his Mom were exploring earlier in the day...

To which I replied: "Hmph. Somebody must have whacked it."

Girlfriend rolled her eyes so hard she must have seen her brain.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
So a frog walks into a bank

So a frog walks into a bank and he goes up to the person working there and sees her nametag that says Patricia Whack so he says "miss whack i would like a loan of fifty thousand dollars for my vacation"

Patty just looks at him in disbelief so the frog ccontinues on "its okay I'm Kermit Jagger my dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the bank manager"

Patty is confused so she just responds "okay but you will need collateral for the loan"

"This oughta do it" the frog says while pulling a tiny porcelain elephant out of his pocket

Patty is even more confused so she excuses herself to the back to talk to her manager

Patty says to her manager "there is a frog who wants a loan and he said his dad is Mick Jagger and he tried to give me this elephant what is this?"

The manager replies "its a knicknack Patty whack give that frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacksminecraftdog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog Walks into a Bank

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"KermitΒ Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/josephlied
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A hit-man was arrested for killing a man in a rice field with a porcelain figurine.

The police said this is the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiny_spring
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

One goes whack "shit"

The other goes "shit" whack

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matthew2112
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A frog walked into a bank...

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mellon_coliee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I notified police after finding dozens of smashed porcelain figures in a rice paddy

They said it was the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LowInFat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saveitforthedisco
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report
A frog goes to get a loan...

The frog is greeted by the teller whose name is Patty Whack. The frog asks Patty for a loan, patty tells the frog to get the loan she will need a reference and a form of collateral. The frog says β€œwell my father is Mick Jagger and I have a small porcelain elephant that I can give you. Patty says β€œI’ll need to speak with my manager” and leaves to the back. When Patty returns the frog asks β€œwhat did the manager say?” and she tells the frog the manager said β€œIt’s a Knick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a Rolling Stone!”

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/my-little-puppet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A Mafia hit-man was arrested for killing a man in a rice field with a porcelain figurine.

The police said this is the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rockstorm8232
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

.

.

.

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 590
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/goboatmen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2013
🚨︎ report
The mafia killed a man in a rice field today because of a dispute over a small trinket

It is the first documented case of a knick-knack paddy whack.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ValkornDoA
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
🚨︎ report

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