Me: Doc, I can't stop swallowing swords, spitting fire, and swinging from a trapeze...

Doc: I can't help you, sounds like you need advanced sideshowtherapy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sjmaeff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2021
🚨︎ report
spitting facts.
πŸ‘︎ 267
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lazy_blockhead
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Spitting image, * slaps knee*
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sghirawoo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Spitting faccs
πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Leonid_Bruzhnev
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Spitting fire
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/09dollface
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I spit on your forking grave.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dogmatic_Catalyst
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an onion that can spit fire?

A rap scallion.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Seems like good parenting to me

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a "GO VEGAN" t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he's been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at him! I'm curious to see what happens once he goes outside.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shrillershark24
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do cannons always spit out their ammo?

Because if they swallowed, it'd be cannonballism.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Sweet_Lemon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the Pharmacy today...

When I got there, I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, β€œYes! Could you please taste this for me?” Being I’m a Senior Citizen, I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing, gagging and turning green. When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, β€œNow, does that taste sweet to you?” The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, β€œHELL NO!!!” So I said, β€œOh thank God! That’s such a relief! My Doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my Urine for sugar!”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I let my son wear a Liverpool jersey today. So far he’s been kicked, punched and spit at...

...it’ll be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cormac-Dockry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 742
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

πŸ‘︎ 335
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Farmer say when he saw a painting of his pet Llama?

" It's a spitting image"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RigidStifflini
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Power play coming up.
πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_Toast897
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't know why people expect Time's Square to put on a decent New Year's Eve show.

They're always dropping the ball.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elnateo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread

it's a naan stick pan

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jahonay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally swallowed the cat’s pill.

Don’t ask me-ow.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodChadAndUgly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. β€œWhat IS that?” β€œThat’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, β€œThat’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, β€œNo, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Two snowmen decide to have cake for dessert. One snowman spits some out saying it tastes like boogers. The other snowman says.

Well, it’s carrot cake.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anton7ram
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Delicious
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the boy spit out his breakfast?

Because it was waffle!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/me_me_big_boi
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
🚨︎ report
So I'm in my garage and my wife walks in.

She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me.

πŸ‘︎ 602
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/a_little_angry
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Asian guy that can spit bars?

Rapanese

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FakeSandwhich
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2018
🚨︎ report
A man is out ice fishing, but not having any luck. But he sees a guy across the lake pulling out fish after fish.

So the man goes over and says β€œI’ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but I’m getting nothing. What’s your secret?”

The other man says β€œMffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmm”

The first man says β€œWhat?”

The other man spits something into his hand and says β€œI said, you gotta keep your worms warm!”

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad stumbles out of the pub and spies a Nun waiting for a bus over the road..

Somehow he manages to weave through traffic and lands a punch so hard the nun hits the deck spitting teeth.

"HAH!!" shouts Dad.. "NOT SO TOUGH AFTER-ALL EH, BATMAN??!!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckinWimp87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The O.Henry Pun-Off is back β€œON!” - Tongues of puns linger
  • Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
  • Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
  • Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
There should be a store to donate your spit.

It would be called the Salivation Army

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chernoobyl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Studies show habitual marijuana smokers have increased saliva production

When asked if there was any prevention, scientists stated you can either spit or get off the pot.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WaxEcho
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My favourite word is "Drool"

It sort of rolls off the tongue

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sweetmonkeylove
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
high
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SailorNebula
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Prepare yourselves
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mcrlzzle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?

Because they’re β€œdramadairies”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crapinlaws08
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I served a female deer with herbs to my family at a recent dinner party.

Calling it "Spit-Roasted Dill Doe" was maybe a little unwise

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
a llama walked up to a mirror and immediately started ejecting saliva all over the place

it was his spitting image

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What animal is never sure if it should spit or not?

A dilama

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joostdemen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2017
🚨︎ report
A joke from my daughter: Where does a tongue go to drop off its old clothes?

The Salivation Army

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KidRadicchio
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is should you always trust fax machines?

Cuz they do be spitting fax all the time

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nitefury07
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Got played by my niece the other day

I was on the couch, visiting with family. My niece is about 2 or 3. She grabs my hand and says "Ewwwwwwwwwww"

Confused, I responded "Eww?"

And as if on cue, she looks down and spits directly into my palm, with a small piece of food for good measure.

Ah...."Eww."

Her dad sitting next to me on the ps4 looks over and asked what happened. I explained what happened and we both laughed. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. It wouldn't surprise me if she becomes a stand up comic one day, or at least the class clown.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Marcofromda510
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
3 Cannibals were arguing over how to eat a missionary they captured.

Cannibal 1: We should boil him!

Cannibal 2: We should roast him on a spit!

Cannibal 3: No! Can’t you see he’s a Friar?!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RKoke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?

A broken drum... you can’t beat it

πŸ‘︎ 306
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CamWaters88
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad spit this one out without hesitation

Dad: So where do you want to go to eat tonight? Me: I have nowhere specific in mind. Dad: Well I guess we will have to go Atlantic than.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Babykickenpro
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2014
🚨︎ report
I'm sorry.
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Might_guy_saitama
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Spit this gem out on accident

I needed my shirt ironed and my sister volunteered to help. For some reason we were saying "iron" and "ironing" as "earn" and "earning". Accent jokes, ha. The following ensued:

Me: "Hey Thanks again for earning my shirt"

Sis: "No big deal, it's easy really"

Me: "Yeah. Do you want this pop tart?"

lifts pop tart

Sis: "Really? Sure."

Me: "You earned it."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sgt_Pepper522
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.