I was lonely so I made a friend out of bread.

I guess I just kneaded someone.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ‘€︎ u/schutwo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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A Canadian man is told to write a paper on a letter, so he says

An "S," eh?

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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What noise does Italian rain make?

Pizza patter pizza patter

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/sam_293
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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I bumped into my very short mate Peter down the pub. He told a few hilarious stories about the flatbread factory he works in.

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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My boyfriend dad joked me. I am taking his key to my house away.

As I am blowdrying my hair my boyfriend surprises me by jumping around the doorway to my bathroom holding up the cat:

Him: Gaaaargh! Grrrrr! Me: scream of surprise as I patter my feet Him: I'm a cat burglar! Get it?

πŸ‘︎ 263
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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