Why do cannons always spit out their ammo?

Because if they swallowed, it'd be cannonballism.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Sweet_Lemon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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Two snowmen decide to have cake for dessert. One snowman spits some out saying it tastes like boogers. The other snowman says.

Well, it’s carrot cake.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anton7ram
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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Why did the boy spit out his breakfast?

Because it was waffle!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/me_me_big_boi
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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Dad spit this one out without hesitation

Dad: So where do you want to go to eat tonight? Me: I have nowhere specific in mind. Dad: Well I guess we will have to go Atlantic than.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Babykickenpro
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2014
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Spit this gem out on accident

I needed my shirt ironed and my sister volunteered to help. For some reason we were saying "iron" and "ironing" as "earn" and "earning". Accent jokes, ha. The following ensued:

Me: "Hey Thanks again for earning my shirt"

Sis: "No big deal, it's easy really"

Me: "Yeah. Do you want this pop tart?"

lifts pop tart

Sis: "Really? Sure."

Me: "You earned it."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sgt_Pepper522
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2015
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A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. β€œWhat IS that?” β€œThat’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, β€œThat’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, β€œNo, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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The O.Henry Pun-Off is back β€œON!” - Tongues of puns linger
  • Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
  • Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
  • Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Ground coffee

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, β€œWaiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, β€œBut, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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I found one hard boiled egg in the fridge

It was the last one in the container. I took one bite and spit it out - no idea how long it had been there but clearly it had been too long.

"Rotten egg?" my husband asks. I agree. He says "Makes sense, it was the last one there."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vampilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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A man and a woman are at a bar

A man and a woman are sitting in a bar. After some time, the woman notices that the man has not looked in her direction once. Curious, she asks the man if he would like to buy her a drink.

Playing coy the man responds, "Ma'am, you are beautiful indeed, but are you talented as well?"

Feeling flirty, the woman takes a cherry from the bar and puts it in her mouth, stem and all. Within seconds she swallows the cherry, spits out the seed, and reveals the stem, tied in a perfect knot.

The man chuckles. Without another word he picks up a cherry and pulls off the stem. He puts the stem in his mouth, and pounds the rest of his beer in one gulp, revealing and empty mouth to the woman.

Perplexed, the woman asks, "Is that supposed to impress me?"

Confidently, the man replies, "Indeed I do believe it will."

She laughs and says, "It will? Are you shitting me?"

He responds, "I shit you knot."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadeToDisagree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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How do you tell dad jokes?

Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebwit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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My dad just used this pickup line on my mom at breakfast: "Hey Babe..... do you have an inhaler?"

".....cuz you got dat assssss, ma!"

I spit out my cornflakes and ironically was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

πŸ‘︎ 335
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2017
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I took my son to a Japanese place for dinner.

We ordered a beef dish cooked with soy sauce and sugar.

My son took a bite and decided he doesn’t like it. He spit it out and said: β€œThat tastes terrible! Yuck!”

I said: β€œYou can even call it terri-yucky”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimraynor0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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What’s the difference between a train and a teacher?

One goes CHOO-CHOO and the other goes SPIT THAT GUM OUT!

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pecanchu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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Dad joked while doing a crossword.

My mom was doing a crossword over breakfast with my dad at the dining room table and I overheard her asking him for help on one of the clues.

"'Uplifted' is the clue... Could it be something like 'elified'?" She asked.

Dad quickly replies, "'El-if-I know!"

"God...." My mom groans. I almost spit the milk I was drinking out. He doesn't make dad jokes often, so it took me by surprise :)

πŸ‘︎ 776
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2015
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My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with rhyming.

I nearly spit out my beer, what terrible timing.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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My dad pulled this one at dinner last night

My mom made stuffed peppers with with Shepherd's pie ground beef instead of stuffed pepper mix. So my dad goes... "I guess these are Shepherd's Peppers!"

He couldn't wait to spit that one out and had a great big laugh. Then told it again because my mom wasn't in the room.

Edit.. I don't think some people know the food involved. Stuffed peppers are these. And shepherds pie is this

πŸ‘︎ 420
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-truth-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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A family of balloons

Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.

In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.

"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"

"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.

"okay son, I love you."

"love you too dad"

The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.

The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.

But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.

"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"

"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.

"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.

"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.

"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aesyr_raps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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The best joke my dad ever told

My dad is really proud of this one. It's the only joke he's ever told that's been funny enough to make somebody laugh so hard that they spit out of their nose. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this joke, so let me give you some context first:

He's been in a motorcycle accident (hit and run by an illegal immigrant), and had to have most of his vertebrae fused. They use titanium rods to hold your back from bending, so as you can imagine its kind of a major operation. His doctor prescribed a year (or longer if needed) of massage therapy, which he was thankful for. Twice a week he went in to a small clinic for a few hours at a time, and usually had the same masseuse. Let's call her Marge.

After four months of therapy they of course got to know each other very well. He was always faithful to my mother, but he was good friends with Marge. Their conversations range all the way from baseball to differentials, and everything stays platonic.

Here's where the story begins:

During a massage, they are having an energetic conversation, the time comes where he turns onto his back so that she can get to his knee ligaments (chainsawed his kneecap a few years prior, doc said may as well get there too). She goes at it like normal, and the conversation continues. Now here comes the part that made my dad wait to tell me this until recently: The "stimulation" in his knee for some reason, on that day out of all others, triggered a reflexive erection. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

The conversation goes quiet. Marge notices, but doesn't say a word. She remains professional. She continues working. My dad is more embarrassed than he's ever been. Several minutes of silence pass, and my dad cant take it anymore.

"Marge," he says, "I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room."

He raises his head to look down the table at her. He glances at it, then back to her. With a slight shake of his head he says:

"Wait nevermind, it's only his trunk"

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DONT_PM_MEH_PLEES
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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Son: "Dad, all I touch turns to shit."

Dad: spits out sandwich

"Is it a goddamn superpower or figurative, and did you make this?"

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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5 moles are standing in a line. what does the last one smell?

Molasses.

just saw this one here and spit out my water https://www.instagram.com/p/-z5Bn4sUi2/

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeeWhiz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
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Dadjoked a cashier

I was out with some friends, we were grabbing some food at a local coffee shop. Their prices were fucking sweet, like three bucks for a sandwich. Anyway, I placed by order:

-$4.50 for a grilled cheese (heavenly)

-$3.00 for a small shake

-$0.60 tax

The cashier nods and says, "Thank you, that'll be $8.10"

I replied, "It's about to be ea-ten"

I'm pretty sure they spit in my food...

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LukeNukem99
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
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So they say Time Flies...

But how can ya when they move so fast.

My pops dropped this gem at Birthday Dinner tonight and I almost spit out my steak

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dammmit_bobby
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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We were all out at dinner taking about meats

Friend 1: yeah, I used to cure my own meat Friend 2: oh no! What was it sick from?

deafening silence except for me spitting out my bread

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flyingvaders
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
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My dad at the dinner table.

We had been removing an old broken closet to replace it with a new one, and I found something cool in it, so I asked him:
"Did you hear about what I found in the closet?"
And he replied
"A homosexual?"

Both me and my mother almost spit out our food, it was hilarious and unexpected :P

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chrozon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2015
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My dad got me with this one, easily the crown of his week.

So I love orange juice, but I hate how it tastes after having brushed my teeth. So I asked my dad, "Do you know how I can drink orange juice after brushing my teeth?" And since he knows a few good home remedies like that, he says sure, and to follow him to the bathroom.

He has me brush, and as I'm doing that, he explains how the toothpaste does what it does, the chemicals involved, so forth. He then takes me to the kitchen and pours me a glass of orange juice, beginning to explain why the two react and such, and says, "here, see for yourself. " So I take a drink, and of course, its disgusting, and I spit it out.

"And THAT is how you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pubbawubba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2014
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It shouldn't be, it's chili

Sat down with my kids to share wonderful lunch my wife prepared for this cold day. Took a bite and spit it out, "what is this!? It's cold!"

I think I've risen to so immortality in the eyes of my children.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seobrien
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2015
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My mom said this to me when I told her about something I saw today

Me: Hey they're making a reversible USB now.

Mom: What's a USB again?

Me: You know the thing that holds data?

Mom: Ahh so does this reversible USB spit out data?

Took me a while to get it, then me and my brother let out a simultaneous groan.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/erxes23
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2014
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My Dad's, Dad joke.

(We are from Montana.)

Montana and North Dakota are in the middle of a war. The NDs have amassed a huge army and are about to march over a hill to invade MT. The commander of the ND army decides to send out a couple of scouts to see if the way is clear. Almost immediately after the two scouts disappear over the top of the hill, loud crashing and rumbling sounds come from the direction they went. After waiting until they are overdue for return, the commander decides to send a squad over to check out what happened. As they pass out of sight, a loud raucous was again heard from the other side of the hill. The commander becomes concerned and decides not to wait for them to return. He sends an entire platoon over the hill, telling them to take out any resistance they meet and return with any survivors. Once again, as the men disappear over the hill, the terrible sounds of war rush over the entire army and then slowly die down until nothing could be heard but the beating of the commanders heart. A proud man, never before defeated in battle, he decides to lead the entire army over the hill himself to destroy the opposition once and for all, but as they begin to march they see a single, mangled, ND soldier pulling himself up over the top of the hill by the only functioning limb of his body. Beaten, bloody and near death, he manages, with help, to make it to the commander and says; "Sir... (cough) Don't go... (spit, cough) It's a trap..."

And in the surprise induced silence he says;

"There's TWO of 'em."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/error-div_by_zero
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.

The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says,

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!"

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says,

"But sir, it's fresh ground!"

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report

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