Why did the potato cough up blood?

Because it had tuber-culosis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazytacoman4
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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What do you call a pony with a cough?

A little horse.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!

He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Belgian cough?

He was phlegmish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Back in my day, we used to cough to cover up a fart.

But nowadays, with Covid, you fart to cover up a cough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
We used to cough to hide our farts..

These days we fart to hide the coughs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sterovebertz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What did Charles Dickens name his cough drop company?

Great Expectorations

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zighawk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Far Cough

Had to visit a mall today. As I was standing on the escalator, someone coughed behind me. I turned around and noticed he was very near. We all know if you need to cough, you must cough far away. So I told him to FAR COUGH. And that’s how the fight started

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlyWooden
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...

...and then the coffin stopped.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scamperillium
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
*coug**cough*
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ummm_hi69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the corncob cough?

He had cornrona

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Why are snakes so quiet when sucking on a cough drop?

Because of the anti-HISS-tamine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/citrusguy9
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why has Santa always got a cough?

Tinselitis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hideandsheep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
🚨︎ report
In March we had coughs, colds, Influenza A&B, and Covid-19.

I guess you could say the nations of the world were in a Cold War.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SalmonXenu420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a cough, so I went to the doctor.

The doctor says β€œYou’re a little Weezie.” I told him if we’re moving on up he can be a little George.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DirtyDuke5ho3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the cat start to cough

It caught the purrrona virus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ljoseph
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Most people think the name Dracula cough comes from the way dracula would hold his Cape in front of his face

In reality it's because he is an expert in coffin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubeykeebler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My five-year-old came up with this one: "What does Daddy drink when he has a bad cough?"

"Coffee. Get it? Cough-ee."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blinkle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2017
🚨︎ report
It's not the cough that carries you off

It's the coffin they carry you off in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/willbebossin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
There was a farmer selling his produce at the side of the road, I pulled over as I was a bit hungry to get an apple. I noticed he also sold paracetamol and cough medicine. I asked him "why do you sell drugs?"

He said "I'm a farmer see"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickl444
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Two ponies are having a conversation. One coughs and says to the other

Sorry. I’m a little hoarse

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πŸ‘€︎ u/God-Of-Pigeon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the computer programmer who was strung out on cough syrup?

He had a major codeine problem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hey_mcfly27
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What is it called when you have to pay to cough?

Cof-fee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mftheoryArts
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Ever wondered why General Grievous coughs so much?

He never installed an anti-virus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captain_Bozo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
At work, I keep extra cough drops in my desk for anyone that needs it.

I guess I’m the halls monitor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_liquor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
🚨︎ report
What's a greentext's favorite cough drop?

Reeeeecola

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Teunas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Me to Dad: Milk has been giving me a cough.

Dad: It's all the extra mooo-cus in your throat.

Took me a few times over to catch it... sigh...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grumpy_Cupcakes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2017
🚨︎ report
Doctor: it seems like your cough is getting better

Patient: yeah, I spent all night practising

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XtremePoisonYT
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bird that coughs a lot?

A phlegmingo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2Little2LateTiger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Your cough sounds much better this morning, honey.

Dad: It should. I’ve been practicing all night!

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
🚨︎ report
A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.

One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.

Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.

I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.

I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.

I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.

After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.

I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.

So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.

I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.

As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.

The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.

I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.

This joke has been told to me

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TipCleMurican
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Why did the casket ask for cough drops?

Because he couldn't stop coffin!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/placebo1218
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the miniature pony drink cough medicine?

because it was a little horse

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unfence
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2016
🚨︎ report
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself!

He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to cough to hide my farts

Now I fart to hide my coughs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Big_Cojones_Moves
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!

He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 499
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Before the coronavirus, I used to cough to hide a fart.

Now I fart to hide a cough.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Back in my day, you used to cough to cover up a fart

Now with Covid-19, you fart to cover up a cough

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bearwrestler13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pony with a cough?

A little hoarse

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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