My wife said there was a large fly buzzing around our bedroom and told me to go kill it. I rolled my eyes and said she should call 911. She asked why.

I responded: So they can send the swat team.

πŸ‘︎ 452
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OfficerBarbier
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....

A pigeon just flew right into it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Once the home intruder entered our bedroom, my wife grabbed a bottle of perfume and hit him on the head.

She thought that might knock some scents into him.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrewThinks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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I've just had a mirror fixed to my bedroom ceiling...

....so I can see my wife having a headache.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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I've put a wooden desk and a blackboard up in my bedroom.

To make it more classy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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I walked into the bedroom today and tripped over my wife’s bra.

It was a booby trap.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?

DON'T BE JELLY!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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When you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed room but less bedroom

That's a very important fact I just read and wanted to share with you guys. Buying beds is a serious topic.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FattySuperCute
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a pirate take when they've got doldrums in the bedroom?

Sea-alis.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Musicferret
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning when my wife closes the bedroom door in our 1-bedroom apartment I tell her...

Have a great day at work hunny.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReddiTurret
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend wanted to spice things up in the bedroom

I hate when she eats on the bed! Hot sauce stains, Woman!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whoaswows
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife asked why I left a ladder in the bedroom.

I told her it was to help me get up in the morning.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotSoSasquatchy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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My bedroom light just went out.

I have no idea where it's going.

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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Bedroom seasoning

Babe & I tried to spice things up so as to improve our sex duration

But as a 2 mins guy I came on thyme, as usual

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Farmzy_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
You should not date an American woman if she hangs the flag of China in her bedroom

That is a big red flag.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atom644
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I looked outside my bedroom window and wondered why it was so dark outside

and then it dawned on me

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Burning_Toast998
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife treats me like a baby, both in the bedroom and out.

She's my significant other mother.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Murdering your brother is fratricide, and your father would be patricide, but in the bedroom is...

Mattress-side.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jakeprops
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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There was this kinky burglar who would sneak into people's bedrooms to give them a pedicure as they slept. .

He was a clip toe maniac

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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I walked into my bedroom and stepped on her bra

It was a boobie trap

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/agarcia128
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
When you have a clap light in your bedroom

rough sex also becomes a rave...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ice2257
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Tree: Hey, Boulder, what do you think I should be when I grow up? Boulder: You would make a wonderful bedroom furniture set.

Tree: Yes. Yes I wood. Thanks Boulder, you rock.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconaboot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How do I make my wife moan and groan in the bedroom at night?

I read her r/dadjokes

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phroedrick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I woke up in the middle of the night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my bedroom

At first, I was afraid. I was PETRIFIED

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

β€œYou rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the young genie who got a job and moved out of his parents' lamp to a one bedroom necklace?

He was independant.

πŸ‘︎ 569
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NickNail5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Carried our dog into the bedroom where my daughter was on the playstation today...

... said to her with a very sad look on my face "I'm going to have to put the dog down". She looked horrified and almost in tears and asked "why?"... "Because she's getting heavy" I said as I put the dog on the floor and walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NZOC
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Know what my kids' bedroom and soccer player Lionel have in common?

They're both Messi.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CAdamH
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I've been thinking of adding a bedroom and a bathroom on top of my house,

but that's another story

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tobias_drundridge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My son asked me why I was taking his bedroom door off the hinges.

We've updated our privacy policy.

πŸ‘︎ 992
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukhed69
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I just finished replacing the glass in my bedroom window

It was a real pane

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Payasin70
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
In a one story house the walls are blue, the chairs are blue, the floor is blue, the lights are blue, the living room is blue, the bedrooms are blue, the kitchen is blue, even the air has a blueish tint. What color are the stairs?

The house is ONE STORY it has no stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RICK-THE-STICk3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I tripped over my wife's bra left on the bedroom floor last night...

Damn boobie traps

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dacs1306
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife walked into our bedroom while I was napping and yelled "It's time to leave, get up!"

I said "Sssshh! These are my sleeping quarters" and pointed to some change I had on the bedside table. She was stunned, then she groaned and walked out.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WrexKwonDo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2015
🚨︎ report
I got an early flight home so I decided to surprise my wife. Got home about 10 PM. Walked in my bedroom, and to my COMPLETE surprise, there is my wife in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it.

I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
LPT: If you can't afford to heat your bedroom there are some places in the room that are warmer then others.

The corners for example are always 90 degrees

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diviner_of_data
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Be careful when dating someone who has the flag of the USSR in their bedroom

It's a big red flag

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rikeus
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the PI that was washing his bedroom?

When he saw the pillows he took the case!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend and boyfriend in bedroom together:

G: I’m going to the bathroom

B: Fine...

G: Hey! There’s a turd in the toilet in the shape of the letter U

B: Don’t you understand?

G: Hmm?

B: I dumped you

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
It's 90 degrees in my bedroom my right now and my friend wanted to watch a video together
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Theren
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My bedroom is really crowded

Might need a turtle to wipe the floors!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ActiveAnxiety9
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I need a new fan for my bedroom so I tried using this gift card at Boston Pizza. They did not make me a fan.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanSag
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What does the sex hungry mechanic do in the bedroom?

He nuts and bolts

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spider_Dimwit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
So my dad and I were moving a bedroom set for my grandmother as she was moving into an assisted living home. There was this heavy dresser and my dad said β€œLet’s tackle this now rather than later” I looked at the dresser, back at him, back to the dresser, and I said

There was this heavy dresser and my dad said β€œLet’s tackle this now rather than later” I looked at the dresser, back at him, back to the dresser, and I said β€œId rather lift it”

He gave me a funny look and sighed. My brother in law laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nakedurlrobot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I was able to get an early flight home so I decided to surprise my wife. Got home about 10 PM. Walked in my bedroom, and to my complete surprise, there is my wife in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it.

I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report

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