A midget escaped from prison by using bed sheets tied together and scaled down the outside wall. He left a note detailing his escape plan, highlighting the prison guards stupidity and incompetence.

The Warden said "he's a little condescending"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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I bought a discount bed sheet off of Facebook.

Turned out to be a sham...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grimstache
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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I wanted to try a different method when putting sheets on my bed

But I just made it up as I went along.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leeericewing
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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I had an employee at the hotel that ironed the bed sheets. I noticed that as the days wore on, the number of sheets ironed was going down.

Her job performance was de-creasing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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Our toddler woke us up, ripping the sheet off our bed last night...

... it’s ok but, we recovered.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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I had the same sheets on my bed for five years, but last night they ripped. Today I put new sheets on my bed.

I shed a tear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilNHoles
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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Tomorrow I have to take my Q40 into the dealership for an oil change, then pick up new bed sheets and some towels.

To Infiniti, and Bed Bath & Beyond!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OPs_Mom_and_Dad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2015
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My girlfriend said that quilts are better than duvets..

I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AhSparaGus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hooligan_86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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last night, my wife dramatically ripped the blankets off me

Don’t worry i’ll recover

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoldMeDownSanta
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.

Just four sheets and goggles.

EDIT: from https://jokeriot.com

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
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What happens when you buy a bigger bed?

You have more bed room but less bedroom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chellow123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2016
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My wife beat me at my own game today

Wife: Hey, I came up with an idea. Bed sheets that have one big pocket at the bottom to tuck your legs into so they never get cold. I'll call them... "Feeted" Sheets.

Me: wiping tear from eye Perfection.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/backwardskneesman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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Holmes: "Is that mud on your boots?" Watson: "No, shit, Sherlock"

Holmes: "Is that comforter on your bed?" Watson: "No, sheet, Sherlock"

Holmes: "Is that a long note on your desk?" Watson: "No, chit, Sherlock"

Holmes: "Is that your residence?" Watson: "No, shed, Sherlock"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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So proud

Helping my 13 year old make his bed. It's a hot night and the ceiling fan is on.

"Don't flick the sheet too high, Dad, or else..."

Me: "Or else what?"

"or else the sheet will hit the fan"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neuromesh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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Sleep? It's all about preparation.

Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. "It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then......."

Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted "OK! Do it! Let's get it!"

He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited.

Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it,

"It looks nothing like me!" He shouted.

He turned to me and winked "totally worth it" he grinned at me.

..............…

I was confused.

................

He said "when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all".

Yeah... Nice one dad........

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smegmagma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
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Single?

I was looking at fitted sheets for my bed.

The salesperson walked up to me and said, "Single?"

I retorted by saying, "Nope. Married.".

And I laughed my way out of the store. I can genuinely feel him groaning.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RubberBandit__
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2015
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Got my sleepy girlfriend.

We are both laying on her bed when she tells me "you took all my sheets"

I responded "I don't give a sheet" The disappointment on her face was priceless

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unleashedmario
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2015
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Pillowcases

I recently purchased a new bed and had the joy of trying to find all the necessary accessories for a California King bed. After spending a full Sunday with my girlfriend bouncing around different home stores, we finally have all the sheets, duvet covers and bed skirts we need. We've assembled our new frame and I start putting the bedding on our mattress. I'm struggling with getting everything put on and call out, "uh oh, I think we got some phony pillow cases."

Fear and anxiety paint her face as she rushes over and asks "what's wrong?!"

I quip back at her, "yeah, this thing is a sham!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/payne_train
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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As a new dad, my jokes are boundless

My wife was getting a sheet from the closet and I went to jump on the bed and said, "wait let me get this sheet on there!" I said "don't use that language with me!"

She drop the sheet said you're stupid and walked out of the room.

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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2015
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There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
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I think our cats might be cops.

I was making the bed, and my cats always like to lie on the bed and try to play with the sheets and blankets as I make it. After I made the bed the cats (we have two) stayed under the blankets. So I said to my wife "I think our cats might be cops."

Wife "Why?"

Me "Because they're under covers!"

She shook her head and walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/steakfatt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2016
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My wife wanted me to pick up some drier sheets from the store

I was compiling a shopping list for things to pick up from the store when I asked my wife if there was anything she could think of to add.

"I don't know... Dryer sheets?"

"Dryer sheets? The ones on the bed right now seem pretty dry, I don't know how much drier the ones at the store will be..."

Classic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhillipFaustus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2015
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Can a dadjoke be PG-13? I don't see why not!

So, my wife and I decided to move this freestanding shelf thing to our dining area. However, we have wood floors, so pretty much anything that's put there (table, chairs) has to have these felt pads on the bottom so it doesn't scratch up the floor. Even if this won't get moved around much, if at all, I felt better about putting the pads on the bottom of this shelf as well, just in case.

My wife has been bugging me to do it for a while, but you know, laziness. Finally, earlier tonight, I cut the felt sheets to size, stuck them on the shelf, and put it where it belongs. When I was done, I called my wife over. "I'm in bed!" "It'll be quick, I promise!" groan "You don't even have to come downstairs, you can see it from the hallway outside the bedroom door!"

Finally she came out, with a "this had better be good" look on her face. I pointed to the shelf, and proudly declared that "I felt up this rack!"

Worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spongebue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2015
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Linen changes

My girlfriend put new sheets on the bed last night. She likes clean sheets I guess. This morning when I got up she asked me if I liked the new sheets.

I replied, "Honestly, they were kinda sheety."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Masaharta
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2014
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So, my family and I were out running errands today.

While at WalMart, we were picking up some new bedding, and on the way out, I insisted that we buy a copy of Spaceballs from the DVD bin.

They asked, "Why do you want that?" I replied, "For sheets and giggles."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anonomy_oh_my
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2015
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My family got dad joked by my younger sister today.

My family and I were at the mattress store and my sister cracks one on us. Sister: What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Me: What? Sister: Oh sheet!! We then proceeded to groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Garys_Suburban
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2014
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finally got my bf

making the bed

"I got that sheet right" i instant lock eyes with my bf and start grinning

he said it wasn't funny and then we got in bed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aufleur
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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Dadjoked by my boyfriend

He's struggling to fold a fitted bed sheet when he says:

"I'm getting too old for this sheet."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mesmilized
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson "this bed is missing something". Watson replies "no sheet sherlock".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReeferChiefer29
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2017
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