After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
Because, it would blow his cover.
He fell in Tacoma.
“Hey can you hear my back crack”
I replied “yea can you hear my ass crack” then proceeded with the filthiest fart known to man
Absolute crack up. Hahahahahah even she laughed
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
So, I had a headache
Me: “I said I was INTO RESTING!”
So I started taking melatonin. It helps.
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
When Happy got out, they all felt Grumpy !!
Where the heck is the ceiling?
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
It was never the right time, so he spent his whole life waiting.
Does that mean you're under a rest?
His dog is not as bad.
Apparently its because her hips don’t lie
I got up to P.
Sheet music
That's ok, you're just Tolkien in your sleep.
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
...Because I turned my lady into a mummy!
I know that the doctor said; We have amputated your arms....
I said, "How do you know?"
She said, "You live next door."
My wife says I need to do something about Tolkien in my sleep.
...but I prefer it in a bowl.
I woke up with the hare standing on the back of my neck.
Look at me now, saving lives!
I smiled and told him, "Hey, it's the cot that founts!"
"I'm measuring your patience!"
Queen
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Because once I've made the bed, I have to lie on it.
They were an undercover cop.
I'm going vegan today.
AntiHistoryMemes
To which I replied: But what if I like being filed?
I guess it's a bunk bed.
My dreams have never been clearer.
A slaying mantis
So, I had the headache.
Because it would blow his cover
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
