My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.

After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 326
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 07 2021
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I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ArchipelagoMind
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 15 2020
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Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed ?

Because, it would blow his cover.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 812
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 25 2021
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My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 67
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 08 2021
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Seven dwarves were all in bed, feeling Happy.

When Happy got out, they all felt Grumpy !!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 37
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 10 2021
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Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself

Where the heck is the ceiling?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Shortsleevedwarrior
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 04 2021
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I knew a man who worked in restaurants his entire life. On his death bed, he told me he regretted that he never left to follow his dreams..

It was never the right time, so he spent his whole life waiting.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AhSparaGus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 14 2021
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What was Pinocchio doing in bed?

Lying.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TomSFox
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 17 2020
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So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.

Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 50
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/trace826621
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 11 2020
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James Bond farted in bed

he said "I guess I blew my cover" as he chuckled to himself and then May Day beat him to death because it smelled bad

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CaptainAmerilard
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 26 2021
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If your in the bottom bunk of a bunk bed and someone's asleep in the top bunk,

Does that mean you're under a rest?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Br4ve_He4rt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 02 2020
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There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard, and taking poops on my flower bed.

His dog is not as bad.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 29 2020
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I read that Shakira struggles to sleep and get comfortable in bed.

Apparently its because her hips don’t lie

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 26 2020
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I decided to read my dictionary in bed last night, but I didn't finish it.

I got up to P.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 26
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 24 2020
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What do classical musicians like to read in bed?

Sheet music

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LaChuteQuiMarche
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 29 2020
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Doctor Doctor! At night in my bed I keep saying lines from The Lord of The Rings

That's ok, you're just Tolkien in your sleep.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Yankee9Niner
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 03 2020
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My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed

I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 441
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LuitenantElo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 13 2020
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They call me "The Pharoh" in bed...

...Because I turned my lady into a mummy!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cblaskin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 13 2020
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Patient in hospital bed shouts to the doctor. Doctor Doctor I cant feel my legs!

I know that the doctor said; We have amputated your arms....

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 21 2020
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I keep reciting all of Lord of The Rings in bed

My wife says I need to do something about Tolkien in my sleep.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/vwraider
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 05 2020
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On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say β€˜may he rest in pees’
πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 22 2020
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As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."

I said, "How do you know?"

She said, "You live next door."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 91
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 04 2020
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As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself...

WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/itim__office
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 26 2019
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I fell asleep with my pet bunny in my bed last night.

I woke up with the hare standing on the back of my neck.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RealitiesOfWar
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 15 2020
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My mom told me I would never accomplish anything lying around in bed..

Look at me now, saving lives!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 07 2020
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I don't mind breakfast in bed

...but I prefer it in a bowl.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 264
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/paradeqia
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 02 2020
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My son tried to make me a rest bed with a built-in water station, but the water kept squirting out.

I smiled and told him, "Hey, it's the cot that founts!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 16 2020
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What size of bed did Freddie Mercury sleep in?

Queen

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/moralTortilla
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 11 2020
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I can never tell the truth when I'm in bed...

Because once I've made the bed, I have to lie on it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Findrel_Underbakk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 18 2020
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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 253
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 08 2020
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So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 24 2019
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Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?

They were an undercover cop.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 185
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jillyjoyohoho
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 28 2020
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This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.

I'm going vegan today.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DeathcampEnthusiast
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 07 2020
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Lights out lying in bed. My wife just made this up: Which jokes are historians allergic to?

AntiHistoryMemes

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 19 2020
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My wife was feeling frisky in bed and asked if she could defile me

To which I replied: But what if I like being filed?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kylea12345
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 17 2020
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Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I don’t get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.

Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 30 2020
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I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.

My dreams have never been clearer.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/whoisapotato
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 13 2020
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What do pirates say in bed?

H’Yar-der

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/S4DBUNN13
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 29 2020
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What do you call an insect who’s good in bed?

A slaying mantis

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ColaNaught
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 15 2020
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I just bought a bed that was advertised as making you fall asleep in under 5 minutes. It didn't work.

I guess it's a bunk bed.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JEJoll
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 13 2020
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A man makes fresh coffee and takes it to his wife in bed....

She drinks it and goes: β€œUgh, this tastes like dirt.”

He responds: β€œWell, honey, it was just ground.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/errorFohOhFoh
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 25 2020
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Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.

Him: second best?

Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Litpunk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 11 2020
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Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MRyeti18
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 02 2020
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What do young latina women that are dating Snoop Dogg call him in bed?

Puppy

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/arekless97
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 06 2020
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Once I was in a band called teenage bed

We never made it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 43
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DimitkoRD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 19 2020
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Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

πŸ‘οΈŽ 36
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/oneplusoneisfive
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 02 2021
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I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?

I said β€œIt’s pasture bedtime”.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 118
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 15 2020
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