Inflation.
Its axle rose.
Talk about inflation
It was a Goodyear.
So I’m switching to non-fungible tokens.
I blame it on inflation.
I belong with the prose.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Whenever he drove by, people would say, "Wow, look at that S car go!"
It was a small price toupée
A man decides to make some macaroni at his home after work. He was really tired but eventually he made a dish to be proud of. He looks around his kitchen drawers for any of his plastic forks but can’t find any so he decides to just use a spoon. A few minutes later his girlfriend comes home and asks for some of his macaroni. He complies and hands her a spoon so she can eat with him. “Why a spoon”, she asks. The man replied,
“I’ve run out of forks to give”
too many testy calls.
So after 24 hours, they called it a day.
I don’t vax my floors. I don’t vax my chest hair, and I certainly don’t vax my legs.
Do they semi-retire?
I guess I'm more of a spokesman.
We have a dry erase board at work. Usually I'm the only contributor for jokes and they need to be appropriate. Here was today's
I'm tired of hearing people tell stories about circles. There's no point.
Those were Goodyears
I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked:
"I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!"
To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation."
The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.
It was tired of being pushed around.
I made my own mother bored.
He was tired of being taken for granite.
"I must acetone for my sins"
I am anti-vax and I don’t care what you think. I am absolutely sick and tired of seeing people that are anti-vax getting ridiculed and bullied on Reddit because of their choice.
You need to understand we have good reason to feel this way and that by simply attacking us or belittling us will not change our minds. We will not be silenced.
I for one will never have another one again. Not a chance in hell, I don’t care what you say to try and convince me, I’ve fallen for that trap too many times before.
They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner ever.
It’s Hoover or Dyson all the way for me!
My dad, being as he was, used to roll me down the hill in tires. Those were goodyears
Oh No!!! You're turning into a bicycle.
I had just entered the kitchen and my dad was about to go out the front door, when he suddenly turned to me and simply said "pussy".
Me: "for what?"
Dad: "Pussy!"
Me: "I don't get it!"
And THEN HE JUST WALKED AWAY giggling like he always does, and slammed the door. My last words were just echoing in my head after the complete silence he'd left me in, which made it so much more embarrassing.
My dad's tires were recalled for losing tread and exploding. Due to my recent business law class I informed him that if he didn't take them in for a replacement, and they blew up, he would be liable. He said he knew the term for this type of liability:
....A pop-tort
Inflation...
Inflation.
Inflation
Inflation
I woke up exhausted
I guess you can call it a vicious cycle
To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of carrying it around.
Then he fired me.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
I’m drawing a line in the sand.
so he thought, let's call it a day.
A car.
Inflation can really blow.
Now I'm just retired
Wife: Honey, where is my phone?
(she always loses it)
Me: I don't know.
Wife: Can you call it?
Me:"ELISE'S PHONE!"
To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of carrying it around.
I had a couple friends in my car to go hang out downtown. I started ragging on my friend about why he didn't drive. He said he has a flat tire.
As we drove out of the neighborhood, I saw a tire leaning up against a fence. I pointed, "well look, there's your new tire"
My other buddy then pipped in, "No, we can't use that one, it's obviously tired." My friend then chimed in, "ha, that was wheely good."
To my two friends...I hate you both.
