Barreling Puns

but it was pretty boring.

It was two triggered.

There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.

︻╦╤──

Stock and barrel too

Seriously though, terrible loss.

A bucket pails in comparison.

A libarrel.

The waitress gave us our food and he started looking the pieces over really intently. He turned them all over and checked every side.

Waitress: is everything okay sir? Dad: No i think something's wrong with my chicken. (Looking at the pieces for a second time) Waitress: I'm sorry, what's wrong? Dad: I don't think they signed my chicken.

I lost it.

Happy Fathers day weekend!

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

You see, he knew that rootbeer floats.

She would be barrel caskin'

Dad: We should sell the house and just store oil somewhere..... Then again that'd be a rather crude way to live!

He then began chuckling to himself for 5 minutes.

Wife ordered a house salad with her meal at cracker barrel, along with her salad came the grossest looking restaurant crackers we've ever seen, package was busted and cracker crumbs were falling out, they looked like they had been soggy at some point.

I say to her "well, as far as crackers go, I'd say those came from the bottom of the Barrel."

she laughed.

At cracker barrel these two old men are enjoying their meal and I start chatting with them trying to be friendly server. Then one of them says to me "Do you like bets?" I responded saying i dont bet much but im interested in one. He bets me "i bet i know where you got your shoes" thinking theres no way he could know that i take him up on it. He says "Alright, you got your shoes right here in cracker barrel on your feet!" I laughed a lot harder than i should have and gave the man his dollar.

A. Teach it proper manners!

He misses you

Waitress: Y'all ready for the check? Me: Yeah, I think we're ready to go. Waitress: Together or separate? Me: We'd like to leave together, if that's alright with you.

brother: This meal looks delicious. I have no regrets.

Dad as he hands him a bowl of grits: Here, now you have no regrits

followed by his uncontrollable laughter

Quacker Barrel!

A barrel of laughs

In a Cracker Barrel.

My dad called it a Pan-Tree.

http://i.imgur.com/rOsIFt3.jpg

So I decided to give it a shot

A barrel of laughs.

Quacker Barrel!

They both end up scraping the bottom of the barrel.

You could say she's barrel-y legal

So a blonde, brunette, and a ginger are running from the cops, they run into a barn, the blonde hides behind a barrel, the brunette hides behind a horse, the ginger hides behind a cow, the cops show up and yell "come out we know you're in there!" The brunette says "neigh neigh," the ginger says "moo moo," the blonde says "barrel barrel."

It's a bit of a basic joke but it makes me chuckle so wanted to share it.😁👍

Since he was my buddy, I was doing this thing for next to nothing. He called me up the other morning and our conversation went as follows

"Hey buddy, do you think you could come by my place and install a couple of heaters?"

"Yeah for sure! Consider it a 'house warming' gift."

I could basically hear his eyes rolling.

EDIT: Phones don't format properly.

I said it doesn’t matter what we call him, he’s not gonna come to us

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken. Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!!

Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing’s courses, and all of Ming’s kin; couldn’t make gum tea re-feather a hen!

The quackdratic equation.

 

bonus:

 

What is a duck's favorite restaurant? quacker barrel.

I might have assthma, butt it could be type two diabooties. I hope these puns aren't bumming you out, they're just for the crack. I don't mean to be cheeky, although I might be scraping the bottom of the barrel. Butt some of them are easy to get behind

You don't have to be anal about it, its not like you're the butt of the joke. I mean anusthing is possible, I think I'm getting to the rear end of these puns now.

It's asstounding how long this is lasting. I mean I don't want to half-ass it. Okay, I'll leave out the back door, but its so dark out, I can even see the full moon!

Just kidding I'm back.... side. Okay okay I'll bring it to a robust end. It's all behind me now.

True story:

Took my stepdad to dinner at Cracker Barrel with my mom and gf on Father's Day. There was an advertisement on our table for a birdbath they were selling in the store part of the restaurant.

Mom (seeing that it was $49.95): "I wonder how big that birdbath is?"

Gf: "I think it's about this big" (holds arms in a circle indicating about 18 inches around)

Mom: "That's actually not a bad deal"

Stepdad: "Well, yeah, but where are the birds gonna get fifty bucks?"

o.o

The voice on the radio explained how collecting rainwater was catching on in environmental groups. Some people upgraded from a 55 gallon barrel to a 500 gallon vessel. Shows that water vessels can be a real gateway jug.

Our country needs a day to honor the art of puns. My friends and I decided that the best way to do this is to have an annual Pun Day. This day always falls on the same Monday in January as MLK Day, and is barrels of fun. (Like monkeys)

So A) I would like to spread the reaches of Pun Day, maybe have others across the nation share it. and B) If you would like to follow my puns tomorrow, add me on snapchat @BillySakmann. Be sure to say you're from Reddit. Thanks and happy punning! I'm going to be spending a lot of thyme in the kitchen tomorrow.

My sister was talking about an episode of bones in which they apparently found a body in a wine barrel.

My dad stops her and says, "so are you saying it was a full-bodied wine?"

He said to go get a gun, look down the barrel and pull the trigger.

I did it. It just killed all the fish.

Me: Are we allowed to crate through work zones?

Him: What?

Me: Are we allowed to crate through work zones?

Him: I don't even know what you're saying...

Me: Well I just saw a sign that said 'Don't barrel through work zones', so can we crate through them?

Him:... Get out. Get out of my car.

One student in culinary was getting flour from the bottom of a bin used to hold it. Since there wasnt much, it takes a couple tries to get a few scoops. So naturally:

"Hey student, looks like you're really scraping the bottom of the barrel

Few people laughed so I followed up with "screw you that's funny"