I was relieved they still had a packet of laxatives available here
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2022
🚨︎ report
I spent months learning to speak swan from a bird down by the lake to no avail

.... I should have known he was a quack

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hvadhedderman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2022
🚨︎ report
Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available

because they make you get out of the car.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevindavis338
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2022
🚨︎ report
My friend was sick of all the low-height ceilings in most apartments available for rent

Finally he found a good apartment, made agreements with the landlord and bid adieu - "Understandable, have a nice day"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alekhya-6174
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2022
🚨︎ report
DNA stands for

National Association of Dyslexics

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lone_Wolf_555
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2022
🚨︎ report
I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available. She looked up and whispered

β€œThey’re right behind you”

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2022
🚨︎ report
metric system
πŸ‘︎ 783
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myverypunnydad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2022
🚨︎ report
took a while to develop this joke
πŸ‘︎ 196
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myverypunnydad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2022
🚨︎ report
I tried to book ASAP Rocky for a charity concert, but he’s not available until 2024.

TBH I think he should change his name to β€œAt My Earliest Convenience Rocky”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deckard_taverner
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2022
🚨︎ report
i deserve a little plaque for that one
πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myverypunnydad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2022
🚨︎ report
I want to get up

But that involves standing

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shyvadi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2022
🚨︎ report
I once went to a horrible pub called The Fiddle

It really was a vile inn.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joscarbuck
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2022
🚨︎ report
The guy in Ukraine whose job it is to decommission the Russian armored vehicles doesn’t get enough credit.

It’s a tank less job.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GetAlessonGuy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2022
🚨︎ report
Of all the superpowers, I get Procrastination.

Oh well, maybe one day I’ll do something with it.

πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2022
🚨︎ report
m&m is my favorite wrapper
πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myverypunnydad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2022
🚨︎ report
scotch tape
πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myverypunnydad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2022
🚨︎ report
Pho Real
πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeanOverseas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2022
🚨︎ report
Asked my doctor if yoga was the best antidepressant available…

He said that it was a bit of a stretch

πŸ‘︎ 351
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fairwaydivots
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Fun fact: Spock actually had three ears

A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear

πŸ‘︎ 367
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KBDFan42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2022
🚨︎ report
icy
πŸ‘︎ 448
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myverypunnydad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2022
🚨︎ report
*takes a sip of royal-tea*
πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myverypunnydad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2022
🚨︎ report
I was looking on this sub for a good chemistry joke.

But all the good ones Argon

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chill1096
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2022
🚨︎ report
egg-cellent, in fact.
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myverypunnydad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2022
🚨︎ report
Holmes was scheduled to sail from England to France, but he arrived at the harbor only to find that no boat was available.

He said to the harbormaster β€œWhere’s my boat? It’s not here!” The harbormaster replied, β€œNo ship, Sherlock.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Masselein
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2022
🚨︎ report
I asked a police officer out and she gave me her number :)

It's just 3 digits and easy to remember.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WanaBeMillionare
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2022
🚨︎ report
Tarancherla
πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ‘€︎ u/travischapmanart
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2022
🚨︎ report
I was asked if I had a date for my return flight.

No, there was no +1 on the airline reservation as far as I could tell.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amoveablefis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2022
🚨︎ report
B is for Beatle!
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevekimes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2022
🚨︎ report
I don’t understand why the weather doesn’t follow the forecast.

I mean it’s even available in the Cloud.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadCow-18
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2022
🚨︎ report
A businessman is sitting in an airport lounge, waiting for his flight.

He's relaxing in a comfy chair, reading the newspaper, until he hears a quiet voice call out to him:

"Nice suit."

The man looks up and around for the source of the comment, but to no avail. There's no one else in the lounge except for an attendant, busily working away on the other side of the room.

Figuring he must've been hearing things, the man resumes reading the newspaper, until a few minutes later when the same voice says to him:

"That's a lovely watch."

Again, the bewildered man searches for the source of the voice, but there is absolutely no one who could have possibly said it to him. Exasperated, he gives up and goes back to reading his paper. But once more, the voice speaks to him:

"Great haircut."

The man whips his head up, gets to his feet and looks around but there is nobody there. Desperate, he calls for the attendant to come over. He asks:

"Excuse me, but could you hear that voice talking before? I can't see anyone else but me and you here."

"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard anything of the sort." replies the attendant, shaking his head.

"It keeps on saying how much it likes my clothes, my watch - even my haircut!" states the man, growing frustrated.

A beam of realisation dawns across the attendant's face. Gesturing towards a bowl of provided nuts resting on the table, the attendant chimes:

"Oh! That must be the peanuts! They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AranXD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2022
🚨︎ report
What do you call something that's not yours?

Nachos

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vol_the_fox
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2022
🚨︎ report
Which Italian cheese is only available in large quantities?

Lotzzarella

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhaleWhaleWhale95
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of doctor is available to work 24/7?

An oncologist

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Football-Real
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2021
🚨︎ report
More people want to go to space than there are astronaut jobs available

There’s a wait list to be weightless

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/divbyzero_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I traveled all the way from Florida to London only to break my foot from a fall on the second day.

Luckily a meter doctor was available to treat me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilikesidehugs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2022
🚨︎ report
Charles Dickens, besides being a great writer, was also a great cook, who would only use high quality ingredients and would get very angry if they weren't available.

It was the best of Thymes, it was the worst of Thymes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrainSpy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the cash say to the card after their breakup?

You're debt to me!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2022
🚨︎ report
I saw a great play last night called The Broken Leg

It had an awesome supporting cast.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kthejoker
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2022
🚨︎ report
Christmas morning...

In recent years what have parents been screaming on Christmas morning, to no avail?

AVENGERS Assemble!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pt109_66
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2022
🚨︎ report
There was a sign in the hotel lobby that said: "Breakfast is available at 7 a.m."

I think a one minute window is too small, though.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
🚨︎ report
How does the IT manager make sure there's always colleagues available to help?

Control shift pee

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/custardy_cream
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A scientist leading the local biology research facility noticed that the populations of bees in the coastal areas had lately died out completely, and new bees were needed to keep the population alive.

As there were no longer any nearby, he entrusted some of his staff with trying to catch bees from their natural habitats up in the mountains and bring them to the shore. Unfortunately, the bee population there had evolved specifically to their environment which made them die in the process.

The scientist were frustrated with failure, and seemed to have lost all faith in the project. On top of that, despite having tried to have children for years, he had not had any luck with conception and when he finally succeeded, her wife miscarried.

Disappointed with his failed ventures, the wife asked his husband: "So, do you have any idea on how to increase the local population?" Scientist said: "We have finally succeeded in bringing some new bees to the area but so far we have been unable to produce any offspring" She asked: "Are you sure you've tried all methods available?" He answered to her: "Yes, but having bay bees is far more difficult than we thought."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redditardus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2022
🚨︎ report
Father's Gift: And on-going saga (not a Dad joke, per se - sorry)

Didn't know where to post this; but since it's Father's Day, I wanted to tell you all about a little family tradition that started because Dad, is Dad.

18 years ago (Not about, trust me, I know this one to the date) I was over Dad's house and I needed a wrench, and coming from a long line of mechanics, I knew he's have one available as I didn't have my kit in my car, so I asked to borrow one.

Dad of course said yes, handed me the mechanic's tool box, and just out of habit, I opened it and immediately noticed that a Craftman's 7/16, ratchet-end wrench was missing.

Again, I come from a LONG line of mechanics; every tool has its place, be it in a drawer, box or outlined on a peg board, and I thought it was weird that Dad lost a wrench out of the spare / house tool kit.

"You're missing a 7/16." I pointed out, showing him the missing slot.

Now Dad, being Dad, just had to bust on me a bit, so looking me dead in the eyes and beaming a huge smile he responded: "It was there when I gave it to you."

Mind you, I hadn't left the kitchen. I hadn't so much as shifted my FEET. I knew he was lying, he knew he was lying, but it had been ingrained in me since childhood that losing a tool is a death sentence.

Now, I knew he was busting my balls and I let it go; but from that day forward, anytime we needed something, he'd make a comment like "Sure wish I had that 7/16th wrench that Coyote lost." or "You know what would fix it? That missing 7/16th wrench."

This went on for MONTHS. So one day, he made the usual "tease me for losing a tool" comment and I warned him. I looked him in the eyes and said:

"Say it ONE more time old man, and you're going to get that wrench every Birthday, Father's Day and Christmas for the rest of your natural life."

Few hours passed, I asked him to hand me a tool and he said: "I can't you lost it, remember?"

I laughed, and played it off -but it was on...and that was 18 years ago.

Today, being Father's day, he just received his 52nd craftsman's ratchet-end, 7/16th wrench.

Since that day, he's tried telling me that he knows that I didn't lose it, (I knew that already) that I don't need to buy it (Oh, I fucking DO.), and he's occasionally tried to say it was a different size or item to get a different present, but we both know that's not happening.

They're everywhere. Every coffee can, junk drawer, cabinet, tool box, peg board or spare nail in the house and garage contains a Craftsman's 7/16 ratchet end wrench. You know how they say you'r

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UncleCoyote
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2022
🚨︎ report
I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available.

She looked up and whispered, "They're right behind you".

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my doctor "yoga is the best antidepressant available"

"Sounds like a bit of a stretch", he replied

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ok-Ingenuity4838
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2022
🚨︎ report

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