Tax audit guy: It says in your file that you have money for nothing and checks for free.

Man: Am I in trouble?

Tax guy: Yes. In Dire Straits.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you see that the IRS was doing a bunch of audits and found one corporation listed a turtle as their CEO?

Turns out it was a shell company.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stretch85
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2016
🚨︎ report
Company password

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacremento"

When asked why they had such a long password, the employee rolled their eyes and said "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital!"

πŸ‘︎ 580
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsAndIT
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My son had an audition for a musical today where he plays Rick Astley

He’s so happy cuz he rocked the role.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2T4J
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Years ago, I auditioned for a part in the movie Hook.

It didn’t Pan out.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DullUnicorn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine auditioned for The Sopranos...

Unfortunately, she was an alto and didn't make the cut.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures that you end up in the cast.
πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xddz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Before I did my musical audition my sister said break a leg

I asked her why

She said that she wanted me put in a cast

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ApplePie606
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
You should always break someone's leg before they audition

They will always end up in the cast

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/masesarkidd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The audition team told me to break a leg

I guess they really wanted me to be in the cast

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rkcorinth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the doctor say to the businessman? with an enlarged prostate who was being audited for tax evasion?

Urine trouble

*Apologies for the early '?'

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oyohval
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I quit my job at the IRS.

It was just too taxing.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/masterjon_3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Two pigs tried for an audition but both were rejected

One was too hammy while the other was too boaring

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Failed my audition as Romeo but my copy of the script clearly said

"Enter Juliet From Behind"

πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EnazS
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A pony always fails opera auditions...

...because she's always a little horse.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scarecrow53
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.

Nailed it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GrandmasterBow
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy trying out for editor for the sums series of Math Magazine?

It was an addition edition audition.

πŸ‘︎ 127
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smrkk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A tightrope walker was audited last month.

His balance was off.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tigreye007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
The shy farmer declined the talent audition...

He's a grower, not a shower.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sirnicster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I auditioned and got the part in a bread commercial.

The director said I was perfect for that roll.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A pie went for an audition for a part in a play.

The casting agent told him he performed well, but it was more of a sausage role.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coventfishblue
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the blinds salesman get audited by the IRS?

His business operations were shady

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/troxosaurus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my wife I'd opened a theatre.

She said, 'Are you having me on?'

I said, 'I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything.'

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm currently being audited by the IRA.

O'Donovan know how they got ahold of my records and what my taxes have to do with their cause.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zebra_Placenta
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
🚨︎ report
The avengers went for an audition

And received ten nos

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Guy_who_post
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
A man is auditioning for a role in an opera production the local opera company is putting on.

He's been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.

"I'm sorry," says the director, "but we can't delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret." The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. "Drink this. It's a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again."

The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. "Euch! This is... awful! What's in this tea anyways?"

"Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with... well... fish broth." The director replies. "Tuna, specifically. We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried."

Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.

At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. "So... what did you think? Did I get the part or not?" He asks.

"I'm sorry," said the director, "you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else."

"That's OK," the man says, "I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kojo2047
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad, any advice before I go to that big audition?

Sure. Don’t be yourself.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I was auditioning for this new movie about knives.

I didn't cut it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeroengast
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2017
🚨︎ report
Lipton probably saw many different pitchers of its brewed beverages before settling for the one on its iconic package...

They auditioned many before choosing the best model tea.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Auditing professor has his first kid on the way. He is prepared.

My auditing professor created a fictitious dog food company for us to audit because he has two golden retrievers he mentions pretty often. A student jokingly asks, "If your dogs eat this food, would that make them stakeholders in the company?" He replied, "Yes, they love steak."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jsfinegan91
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Told my dad I was going to audition for Star Wars.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FerrisWheeling
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
🚨︎ report
The news just commented on the outbreak of measles and those who don't get vaccinated.

Those people make me sick...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/C_McD_is_me
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?

Because every play has a cast.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JonaGi
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Two egotists started a fight.

It was an I. for an I.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JazzPhobic
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
So my boss got me today

Boss was doing an audit day with me today and another of my coworkers dropped in a little after lunch. She was talking about being bored and how time was going so slow and my boss throws this one at us:

Boss - Yeah when I was younger I had a job where I got paid to stare at a clock...

Me - Nice! Sounds like a good gig.

B- Yeah, I worked in a clock factory

M - facepalm

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/natmor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Dadjoke from memory

Allow me to regale you with a couple tales illustrating my late dad's sense of humor. Last names faked because I'm not that stupid.

.

(1). At a routine PTA meeting about me in my Georgia school, everyone found themselves packed into a hot and stuffy room waiting for the boredom to end. Shoulder to shoulder fun, can you picture it?

My dad lets one rip. It's loud, smelly, and echoes. The room falls silent as the fart invites itself unfavorably to the nostrils of those in attendance.

He turns to my mom and with his best shocked face says, "... Patty!"

I like to think he slept on the couch that night.

.

(2). During my old man's wait for us to arrive at the new home he had bought, he had to deal with ongoing construction and roughed it at a hotel for a few nights. He was a retired Master Chief Machinist's Mate, so cramped quarters reminded him of the sub's nuclear engine room. No biggie.

An interview comes up for a civilian nuclear power plant nearby, and before you know it my dad's sitting before these stuffy, serious, wrinkly old board members and managers, having his (mostly military) resume picked through.

"Well Mister Smith, we're impressed. Twenty two years is no small amount of time to dedicate to the service. But do you feel you're qualified to operate and audit a civilian fission power plant?"

My dad thinks on it for a second.

"Well no, sir, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

He got the job immediately.

(For those needing the reference)

.

Thanks for caring to read. I miss him a lot and this subreddit always reminds me of his sense of dry, quick humor. Take care!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Morvick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2013
🚨︎ report
My theatre dadjoke

So I just realized that my "epic" theatre joke is also a dadjoke.

Now this requires some explaining before I get to the joke. I just completed my 55th theatre production - mostly community theatre; most designing and running sound, but I get on stage sometimes. A decade or so ago, I came up with a terrible pun. Told it, got groans, and promptly forgot about it.

A production or two later, someone said - "Hey, aren't you going to tell your joke?" It took a little prompting to remind me of it. Once I was reminded, I told the joke - to more groans.

I enjoyed the groans so much - and was touched that someone remembered the joke that I'd forgotten. So I did decide it was going to forevermore be: THE JOKE.

So the NEXT production, I started warning people that "The Joke" was coming. One or two remembered the previous time I'd told it, and reacted - "Oh god. Please no."

So now it has truly become a thing. Every production I'm in, I start reminding people that The Joke is coming, and the reactions from those who know the joke really help set up the anticipation.

So finally it happens. Most theatre productions I've been in run Fri-Sat-Sun performances. And thus, as I explain, I can only tell The Joke after the last Friday night's performance ends, and before the last Saturday's performance begins. It shifts if the days are different because The Joke depends on the number of remaining shows.

So, finally that time period comes, and I explain that I can only tell the joke during that time period, only the once per production - from auditions to strike - and that we're in that period of time.... which is known as.... the "cancer period". AND would you like to know WHY this period of time is known as the "cancer period"?

(at which point the tension for the punchline is usually quite palpable)

"Because we have...... TUMOR!" (as I hold up two fingers).

This is usually followed by shouts to "GET OUT!" and threats of violence against my person. hehehe

And the NEXT time, when I start warning that "The Joke" is coming, most of these groan "Oh god... no...." and helps set it up for the next poor bunch of folks who haven't yet heard it. :)

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IsaacEiland-Hall
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2017
🚨︎ report
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
This one actually surprised me.

My roommate and I were discussing a job he had applied for at my dad's house.

RM: I hope they call me next week. Dad: Well, you know what to do if they don't call you. Me: Call them. Dad: Nope. Burn the building down.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Phib1618
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.