I got assaulted by a group of mimes.
It was horrific. They did unspeakable things.
Proud Dad Moment
Last month, a guy in Cincinnati stole a salt truck and led police on a 30 minute chase. (true story) At one point he tried to dump the load of salt on a police car. I told my teenage daughter this and she looked at me with a straight face and said “I guess they’re going to arrest him for assaulting an officer.” 😁
Never been prouder of my daughter. 😎
Once a man assaulted me with milk, cheese and butter
I was assaulted with a bag of soil
But I can't go to the cops cause they got dirt on me.
If a baker assaults somebody with a baguette...
...can he be charged with assault with a breadly weapon?
I was assaulted with a can of soda
I'm lucky it was just a soft drink
2 peanuts were walking down the road....
Why were the chips so upset?
They kepta geting assaulted.
Why did the judge set the bail so low for the ostrich charged with assault?
My friend, the anthropomorphic cell phone was in dire Straits
He walked into the police station and yelled "help! I'm on five per cent!"
First, a cop punched him.
Then, one of them plugged him in to a power bank
Suddenly he had reached 100%. It was a miracle
They charged him with assault and battery
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
What do you call it when you hit a rude teenager with a pack of cracker?
Assaulting a salty teen with saltines
My dad just told me this one- hope you guys liked it 💖
Two pretzels are walking down the street
When one is suddenly assaulted
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried
Today a man tried to assault me with a knife
Damn, that was a sharp moment.
An iPhone assaulted and robbed an Android for nurishment.
It was charged with battery.
I tried to date a rabbi but when people found out I got physically assaulted.
Be careful what Jewish for, you just might get hit
I was once assaulted by a group of mimes.
I never heard them coming
At the casino a woman accused me of assault
And I say "But I'm the blackjack dealer, it's my job to hit people."
Did you hear about the solider that got hit with mustard gas and pepper spray?
He’s now a seasoned veteran
Most people know some peanuts are assaulted, but do you know which vegetable did it?
Your honor is it illegal to throw sodium chloride in someone's eyes?
Judge: it's assault
I know it's a salt, is it a crime though?
What do you call someone who regularly assaults people?
I was jogging and got sprayed by a salting truck
I called the police station and said I was assaulted.
Apparently there was an almond charged with aggravated assault.
I get the police do a lot of good, but I don’t know how I feel about them busting a nut in public.
Why did seven assault nine?
If you attack someone with a jalapeño... is it assault
Be careful: if you keep making these terrible puns...
...you could get be charged with 'assault with a dad-ly weapon'.
Don't do it
What happened when Pepper made Salt angry?
- Pepper was charged with aggravated assault. XD
My grandad was assaulted in the war with pepper spray and mustard gas.
I threw a fuzzy peach at his head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar"
What’s the opposite of assault?
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
On my way to work today, a man assaulted me by throwing a block of cheese and a bar of butter at me.
You always hear cops arresting people for assault
Why dont you hear about them being arrested for apepper
I named my nunchucks "bad joke"
That way if I ever have to use them, it would be considered assault with a dadly weapun
4 prisoners are telling each other what they were convicted for
The First man says: I committed 2nd degree murder
The Second says: I committed: 1st degree assault
The Third says: I committed 1st degree possession of drugs
The Fourth man simply says: Arson
The Second man asks him: What degree was it?
The Fourth man responds: I'm not sure, it was pretty hot though. About 525 Celsius-ish
A man asks a police officer if it’s a crime to throw sodium chloride in someone’s eyes
Officer: “Yes, that’s assault!”
Man: “I know it’s a salt, but is it a crime?”
What happened to the phone that assaulted a human?
It got "charged" with "battery".
What’s it called when you get assaulted on pavement?
A man assaulted me with milk, cream and butter !
Once a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.
Once upon a time a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream, and butter.
Is it a crime to throw NaCl on someone's eyes?
It's assault
I know it's a salt but is it a crime?
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