Be careful: if you keep making these terrible puns...

...you could get be charged with 'assault with a dad-ly weapon'.

👍︎ 34
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📅︎ Dec 04 2020
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If a baker assaults somebody with a baguette...

...can he be charged with assault with a breadly weapon?

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👤︎ u/BrillWolf
📅︎ Sep 04 2020
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I was in a food fight at school & accidentally hit the principal with a stale cafeteria bun...

...the jerk had me charged; assault with a breadly weapon.

👍︎ 10
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📅︎ Sep 18 2020
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The cleaning crew stopped by my office to dust

I work in an office with 2 other guys and we all get along very well. Once every other week, a cleaning crew comes in to sweep, dust, mop etc.

One of the cleaning crew had a duster out and was dusting my coworkers desk. He told the lady to hit me with the duster as I was acting silly as usual. She said she couldn't as she would go to jail for battery. I said, "No. You would go to jail for assault with a dusty weapon."

The audible groans and chuckles were fuel to my dad humoured fire.

👍︎ 4
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📅︎ Feb 03 2020
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A woman beat her husband to death with his guitar....

It was assault with a medley weapon!

👍︎ 4
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📅︎ Jul 30 2019
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A man has been jailed for telling too many puns

The judge called it 'Assault with a Dadly Weapon'

👍︎ 277
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👤︎ u/Deadpoodle
📅︎ Jun 10 2015
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As we were eating dinner last night, I held up the salt shaker and my knife and asked my family, "Do you know what this is?"

Assault with a deadly weapon!

👍︎ 7
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📅︎ Aug 24 2017
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A discussion I had with a woman over E-mail, Ripe with dad jokes.

Me:That's one of my specialties! Yesterday when one of my coworkers playfully hit me with curtains I threatened to have her arrested for assault with a thread-ly weapon.

Her: That's so cheesy, but so gouda.

M: Hearing you say that makes me feel grate!

H: Course! I couldn't just let it brie without returning with a different pun. :)

M: I'm so glad we curd share this moment, it keeps me from feeling bleu.

H: Are you stilton going on about this? It could be seen as a provelone.

M: No Whey! Really? I accepted Cheeses into my life a long time ago.

H: Well, I believe that there is more out there than Cheeses, with your Parmesan I could continue. Too bad I am bread tired, and wish to be loafing around. Good night and sweet dreams

M: Well, early to Bread early to Rise, as they say. You have sweet dreams. Oh, and don't ask Rye if I'm in them

👍︎ 2
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📅︎ Apr 02 2016
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Every time we go to a restaurant..

(picks up the salt shaker and his knife)

Dad: Assault, with a deadly weapon!

👍︎ 7
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📅︎ Aug 25 2013
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