Ash won’t be in EVIL dead 4! Know what I’m feeling?

It needs more Campbell!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
Today, the day after Ash Wednesday, my assistant discovered she actually enjoys making spreadsheets.

I told her that was excellent.

.

(This is a true story.)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/craic_d
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
🚨︎ report
Ash ketchum
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deathlysin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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Ash used to be wood...

...but it was fired.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielsoft1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I didn't want to observe the period from Ash Wednesday to Easter again, but did so to stop my girlfriend's constant nagging...

I re-Lent-ed

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
Happy Ash Winds Day
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bootybear911
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
🚨︎ report
His wife thinks he’s a lazy ash hole.
πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Because his name is Ash
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sonujohny
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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Happy Ash Wednesday
πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saph390
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Where does Ash get his PokΓ©Gear?

At the Catch 'Mall.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Des8Bit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2017
🚨︎ report
Hay, ash, watch a plain
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plasker6
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2013
🚨︎ report
It's Ash Wednesday today. (Sorry i couldn't resist, and i live 1 day in advance due to timezone difference)

http://imgur.com/a/d9f8Y

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squeeworm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
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Dad and I were walking along Ash St.

When he stopped to look at a manhole cover.

"It's a good thing they put this cover here. Otherwise it would be an ash hole."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calikka
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2013
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My grandfathers last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
When my father dies he wants his ashes pressed into a record

It's his vinyl request

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alliswellinnz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
Name woes... translation: imagine the difficulty when she is ashes what her name is by French people..
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slipstreme
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
🚨︎ report
When Joe died I put his ashes in his favorite mug

Now it's a cup of Joe

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyBellyHurtsITry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
🚨︎ report
I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens if you were attacked by Pikachu's lightning?

You'd turn into Ash .

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emir_t_b
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
When my grandma died, I had her cremated and put her ashes in a trophy that said "World's Best Grandma."

She urned it.

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaxxisR
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catsu_Miola
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Guess it belongs here
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SweetSeagul
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A wizard dies and they lock up his ashes in a lamp

The lamp is then fastened by the sea, just so none of the townsfolk get into trouble. One day, an inquisitive young chap opens the lamp and the wizard starts wreaking havoc upon the town. All the scientists gather and decide to chemically dissolve the lamp. But all the chemicals they have fail to work. They try to burn it, melt it and what not but nothing works. Finally one scientist says β€œI know exactly what we should do. Pour excessive chemicals and try to dissolve it. I know we’ve tried it before but let’s give it another shot.” They bring in acids and other corrosives from the neighbouring cities and pour it on the lamp and it successfully dissolves and the wizard disappears. Everyone is amazed and asks the scientist β€œHow did you know about the extra chemicals?” The bald, black scientist looks at them and says β€œOh that’s easy. Moored urn problems require more darn solutions.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordoflethargy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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When my cousin Frank died, his body was cremated, and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.

Now he's Frank in stein.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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My dad hated this

My friend told me if you mix ash with water you get something acidic I told him "ha that lye"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
What do you call a burnt Asus laptop?

Ashes.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sergio-marquina
πŸ“…︎ May 03
🚨︎ report
Thermite be another way to crack this safe.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supguyyo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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Did you know you could have your ashes grown into a plant when you die

I'm going to have my ashes grown into an ash tree, with a grave stone that reads "he was dying to be grown this way" and in the back it will read "that pun was a grave mistake"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Benneb10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I put my dead wife's ashes in the entrance

She will always be adored

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A man was found crying hysterically between the ashes of a burnt forest

He had lost a deer friend in the wildfire

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/impostorbot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
If you don’t get why catholics have dirty foreheads today...

Why don’t you just ash them?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
🚨︎ report
Sounds about right
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bentherhino19
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend burned a bible and injected the ashes into his arm

I think it was a mistake to take the Lord's name in vein

Credit: Cyanide and Happiness

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
🚨︎ report
If you like Dad jokes and D&D, then I have the podcast for you.

Dungeons & Daddies

A D&D real play podcast about four dads from our world transported into the Forgotten Realms and their quest to rescue their sons. Not a BDSM podcast.

Anthony Burch ( from Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin' and Borderlands 2 fame) is the DM (Daddy Master)

I am 6 episodes in and this is the most fun, creative and funniest RPG campaigns.

Give it a try and enjoy!

https://podcasts.google.com/?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5zaW1wbGVjYXN0LmNvbS9hT2tFcll2MA

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lesthn12parsecs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29
🚨︎ report
I read an article about Eskimo hunting practices today

Their method for hunting polar bears was the most interesting. They would start a fire out on a deep snow bank, and essentially melt a hole in the snow. Once the hole was big enough they would stop feeding it firewood and let it burnout on its own. Once the fire had gone down and was nothing more than smoldering ashes with a little bit of smoke, they would line the edge of the fire pit with snow peas.

All they had to do from there is hide and wait. Once a bear caught scent of the smoke and starts to investigate, the bear would eventually start eating some of the peas. Then they sneak up behind it and kick it in the ash-hole.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
🚨︎ report
What did the one tree say to the other tree?

Nice ash! You must be very poplar!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geaux_Phish
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend was telling me about how this lady had her dog's ashes turned into glass and then made into a ring

I then asked her when I die if she could turn me into a window, so even after I die I can be a pain (pane).

She walked away and said she hates me, but I can tell that she was laughing inside

πŸ‘︎ 229
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonSnuhhh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2017
🚨︎ report
I just threw my father's ashes in the garbage...

I wish he'd stop smoking or empty the tray himself.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snowmansni
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Does this look like E.T I'm stumped
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LQuacks
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant: First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an elephant. Fill the hole with ashes. Line the hole with peas.

And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
🚨︎ report
When I die, I told my wife to cremate me.

It's my ash wish.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tunayafish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age?

Cremation.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bird which rises from the ashes but is unable to fly?

Joaquin Phoenix

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skarkroe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2017
🚨︎ report
If an AI simulation of a pop singer performs all over the world ...
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ir8prim8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
How to catch an elephant:

1 - Dig a huge hole, big enough for an elephant.

2 - Light a giant wood fire in the hole and let it burn out completely.

3 - Set peanuts out around the edge of the hole as bait.

4 - When an elephant starts eating the bait, quickly run up behind him and kick him in the ash hole!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SummonerSpell
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Best yet

Me- have you ever heard of Slader.com

Husband-no

Me- it has the answers for almost every math book made, and it shows the work for the lazy people.

Husband- Well I guess they should call it Ashly Mathison

Me- ?????

Husband- ya know..cause they cheat!!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmasker143
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie...

...for Ash Wednesday.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/politterateur
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A good one from a Angela's Ashes

Frank's mother is sick in the hospital. When Michael says to Uncle Pa Keating, "she's got pneumonia." Uncle Pa replied, "well now that's better than oldmonia"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gelatinskeleton
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2015
🚨︎ report
My annoying cousin dropped our grandma's urn

He's always been a pain in the ash

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J24cihpsd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I just had to laugh when I found this while giving "Angela's Ashes" a read. imgur.com/SNh2g10
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BehindTheSecret
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
🚨︎ report
A magic bird that burns up and regenerates? That's hard to believe.

Someone just pulled that story out of their ash.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thvwlsrmssng
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
How to catch an elephant. A story by my dad which got me a walk to the Principal's office in 2nd grade

Rolling back 40 yrs or so, here's the story I told to my 2nd grade class.

To catch an elephant, you first need to go to the jungle where elephants are found. Then you cut down all the trees in a big circle, and dig a hole out. Put the trees in the hole and burn them down to ashes. Carefully line the edge of the hole with peas.

And when an Elephant comes to take a Pea, you kick him in the Ash-Hole!

Everyone about died. Hell, even the teacher and principal were laughing about it. Dad was amused. Mom was not.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGoodLordsTaint
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife walked into our bedroom while I was napping and yelled "It's time to leave, get up!"

I said "Sssshh! These are my sleeping quarters" and pointed to some change I had on the bedside table. She was stunned, then she groaned and walked out.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WrexKwonDo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Wnat to know how to build an effective bear trap?

Go out in the woods and dig a large hole about 6 or 7 feet deep. Fill it with ashes and put peas around the outside of the it.

When a bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KarmaChameleon306
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad told me how to catch a leprechaun.

So wacha do is, you find a clearing or riverbank, and you dig a hole about 4-5 feet deep. In that pit, you make a fire and burn down all the wood til it's all chars and dust. Then you put a hold coin right in the middle of the pit. Then, you find a bush or something to cover yourself with so the leprechaun can't see you. When the leprechaun comes up and bends down to look at the gold, you silently get up and sneak behind him. You run up and while he's distracted...

You kick him in the ash-hole.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spcynarwhal
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you trap a polar bear?
  1. Cut a large hole in some ice.
  2. Place some frozen peas around the hole.
  3. When the polar bear stops to take a pea, run up and kick him in the ice hole.
πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NavGunz4512
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s dep

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vorschlaghammer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
If Yellowstone blows...

It'll be a big ash eruption.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ridley_Himself
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad at my Grandmother's Funeral

My grandmother was cremated and we were having a service to pay our respects. I was scared and didn't want to go up to the altar alone so my dad went with me.

We stood there, side by side, and stared in reverent silence at the small simple wooden box which was holding my grandmother's ashes. After a minute or so passed my father bowed slightly, leaning in with what I assumed would be words of wisdom and said, "your grandmother was a lot smaller than I remember."

I had to fight just not to bust out laughing in a room full of mourners.

I was told to cross post this here from an askreddit thread yesterday

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
🚨︎ report
TIL the reason santa supposedly enters through the chimney is because that's traditionally how you were supposed to bring the christmas tree inside.

They decided to change it though because it was a pine in the ash

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gormtex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My Dad’s latest Christmas brunch joke: How do you catch a polar bear? You cut a hole in the ice and sprinkle some P’s around.

When the polar bear comes up to take a P, you kick him in the hole.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/susannahrose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between pokΓ©mon and infinity war

PokΓ©mon just has one ash

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puncakes20101
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the priest let us use our phones in mass this past Wednesday?

Because we were about to be ash-tagged blessed

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ninjaboi333
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Wife: When I die, I want you to cremate me and put me in an urn and carry me around wherever you go...

Me: I ain't taking your ash anywhere!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slinky4026
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2018
🚨︎ report
She needed to prepare for trouble, make that double!

Today a student of mine was wearing a Pikachu onesie for pajama day at work (a junior in h.s.).our conversation went like this. If she wasn't in anime club with me I would have left her alone.

Me: did your wear that so guys would want to take a peek-at-chu?

Student : Mrs. Acinomismonica, please stop

Me: why? You scared they won't choose you?

Student : I'm going to stop talking to you now

Me: don't be such an Ash

Student : Mrs. Acinomismonica, you need to stop!

Me: c'mon student, you gotta Ketchum to my jokes

Enter the rest of my class groaning, it was a good day. Good thing I stopped before they threw Brocks at me.

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acinomismonica
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
🚨︎ report
There were these two trees that lived in the middle of a meadow, all by themselves, one, a birch, the other, a beech...

Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.

Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.

"It's a son of a beech," the beech would say.

"No, it's a son of a birch," the birch would say.

And back and forth they would go.

Well one year, when the sapling was starting to get big and tall, a woodpecker happened to fly along and land on the beech.

The beech, seeing an opportunity to settle this argument once and for all, said, "Hey, woodpecker. I need a favor. I want you to fly over to that young tree there, and tell me whether that tree is a son of a beech or the son of a birch."

Well, the woodpecker not having much else to do said, "Sure thing!" and flew over to the young tree and gave it six good taps.

-tap tap tap-

-tap tap tap-

And flew back.

"Well?" the birch said.

"Well?" the b

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Why don't people like volcanoes?

They're giant ash-holes.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tallpapab
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overhe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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I just realized my Grandpa was a very dedicated dad joker.

I spent most of my life thinking my uncle was named "Ash" (totally not Ash, but it works for explaining this). Turns out "Ash" was a nickname to describe his hair. His real name was French (totally his actual name, and more common that you'd think). This was because my grandpa liked hearing my uncle say "my name is French," and see the look of confusion of people's faces. My Grandpa was a troll. Rest in peace, you crazy old man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheepinblack
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2017
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Woodn't you laugh?

Me:(holding poplar board) This is one of our biggest sellers

Coworker: really?

Me: Yep, it's one of our most poplar items!

*cue groans *

Me: Sorry, I feel like I made an ash of myself with that joke. I was just pining for attention.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Norsbane
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2016
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Did you know there's an unreleased episode of Pokemon where the main character turned evil?

He was quite the bad Ash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magma151
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2017
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I was installing a window and it fell into the incinerator.

It was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/N-Slash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2013
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When I die I want my funeral to have fireworks

So I can out with a bang

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samprog
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
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The man who invented Fairy Bread died last week.

Hundreds and Thousands attended the funeral.

His ashes were Sprinkled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spartan17492
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
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How do you catch an elephant?

Dig a hole, fill it with ashes, and bait it with peas. When the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skiingineer2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
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Fire pit humor

Sitting around a fire pit at a cabin we were staying at last weekend with my wife and some other family.

My wife leans over and wipes a piece of ash off of my jacket, to which I reply:

"You love to tap that ash, don't you?"

Everyone groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elfurioso
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
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Why did the campfire turn into a forest fire?

It wanted to get off its ash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSlowHipster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
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Spider at a campfire

While sitting around the campfire on a cool early morning in the Appalachians, I notice a spider web on the campfire ring and point out how much ash it's covered in. My father then proceeds to say, "well it makes sense you know...cause the web comes from his ash." He never disappoints

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chester_McFee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2016
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text conversation with my dad after I fell and bruised my tailbone

Dad: "Hey, how's your rash?" Tony Soprano.

Me: What?

Dad: Get it? "Your-ash"

Dad: As in "your a--"

Me: Yeah I got it. Ha ha. Still hurts.

Dad: Should've fallen on your head

Me: I'll remember that next time.

Dad: No you wont

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nd-nd-a
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
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how do u catch an elephant?

Get a shovel, a bucket of ashes and a pea. Dig a pit and cover the top with the ashes. Place the pea in the middle. Wait.

When the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xstreamly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2016
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My Dad's all time favorite joke

I've honestly heard him tell this over 100 times by now. My Dad always provokes people to ask him how to catch a bear and when he finally gets someone to ask he replies with "You dig a hole and fill it with ashes. Then put peas all around the hole. Then when the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ash-hole" (It sounds better when you say it out loud)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danrom9431
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
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Girlfriend dropped this dadjoke on me

A husband wrote a letter to his wife and it said, "When I die have my body cremated, sprinkle my ashes into Wendy's chili, and eat it so I can tear that ass up one more time."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theyellowdragon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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Learned this from my dad: How do you catch a tiger?

There are a number of ways to catch a tiger, but following these simple steps will guarantee success:

  1. Dig a huge hole in the middle of the forest.
  2. Fill the hole half way up with ashes.
  3. Take some frozen peas, and put them all around the edge of the hole.
  4. Wait.
  5. When the tiger comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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My grandfather’s last wish was that we should convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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My friend once burned a bible then injected the ashes into his arm

He took the Lord's name in vein.

Credit: Cyanide and Happiness

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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