Every year on Ash Wednesday, my friend stops using isopropyl in lieu of dryer fluff...

He gives up alcohol for lint.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 26 2020
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Why are ash trays not called butt trays?

Because we already have seats.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/clown_1991
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 19 2020
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Ash ketchum
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Deathlysin
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 05 2019
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Ash wonโ€™t be in EVIL dead 4! Know what Iโ€™m feeling?

It needs more Campbell!!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/xwhy
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 13 2020
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Today, the day after Ash Wednesday, my assistant discovered she actually enjoys making spreadsheets.

I told her that was excellent.

.

(This is a true story.)

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/craic_d
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 28 2020
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Ash used to be wood...

...but it was fired.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 80
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/danielsoft1
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 19 2019
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I didn't want to observe the period from Ash Wednesday to Easter again, but did so to stop my girlfriend's constant nagging...

I re-Lent-ed

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 28 2020
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His wife thinks heโ€™s a lazy ash hole.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 68
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 04 2018
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Happy Ash Winds Day
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bootybear911
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 07 2019
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Because his name is Ash
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sonujohny
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 03 2019
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Happy Ash Wednesday
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 186
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Saph390
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 05 2014
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Ash Ketchum only wanted Professor Oak to open the door and show his Pokรฉmon.

"C'mon, just let me take a little Pikachu!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Torley_
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 30 2018
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Where does Ash get his PokรฉGear?

At the Catch 'Mall.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Des8Bit
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 10 2017
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Hay, ash, watch a plain
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 48
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/plasker6
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 10 2013
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It's Ash Wednesday today. (Sorry i couldn't resist, and i live 1 day in advance due to timezone difference)

http://imgur.com/a/d9f8Y

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/squeeworm
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 01 2017
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Dad and I were walking along Ash St.

When he stopped to look at a manhole cover.

"It's a good thing they put this cover here. Otherwise it would be an ash hole."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Calikka
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 24 2013
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One of my fathers last wishes was to have his ashes pressed into a record....

It was his vinyl request.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 11 2020
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I accidently dropped grandma's ashes into my fog machine.

She will be mist.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 55
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/writenroll
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 21 2020
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Respect the trees
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 579
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/GoogleMcHorseFanny
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 23 2020
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Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast๐Ÿ™๐Ÿปโค๏ธ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!๐Ÿ˜

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 18k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/iLoveRaviolis
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 27 2020
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My grandfatherโ€™s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

Thatโ€™s a lot of pressure.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 24 2020
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My dad told me that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be made into fireworks so he can go out with a bang.

I said, "Ok, boomer."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 220
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/misterrandom1
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 05 2020
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What did the log say to the ashes?

"You're fired."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/SHeight06
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 22 2020
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I have a collection of urns to transfer my grandfather's ashes between them.

I figure he wouldn't want to be cooped up in one urn for long. While transferring his ashes, I broke his good urn. I am going to buy him another good urn. I guess its as the saying goes "one good urn deserves another".

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PerfectlyWorthwhile
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 30 2020
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My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.

Thatโ€™s a lot of pressure.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 29 2019
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burned
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bitchyswiftie
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 12 2020
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Name woes... translation: imagine the difficulty when she is ashes what her name is by French people..
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Slipstreme
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 16 2020
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what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?

rick ash-tree

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/imboredwithlyf
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 14 2020
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I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 26
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/JoeFas
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 19 2020
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When Joe died I put his ashes in his favorite mug

Now it's a cup of Joe

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/MyBellyHurtsITry
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 15 2020
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You know what they say about picking the right species of Christmas Tree?

It's a huge Pine in the Ash

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TangerineX
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 03 2020
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Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 144
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Catsu_Miola
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 02 2019
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When my grandma died, I had her cremated and put her ashes in a trophy that said "World's Best Grandma."

She urned it.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 99
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/JaxxisR
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 30 2019
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A wizard dies and they lock up his ashes in a lamp

The lamp is then fastened by the sea, just so none of the townsfolk get into trouble. One day, an inquisitive young chap opens the lamp and the wizard starts wreaking havoc upon the town. All the scientists gather and decide to chemically dissolve the lamp. But all the chemicals they have fail to work. They try to burn it, melt it and what not but nothing works. Finally one scientist says โ€œI know exactly what we should do. Pour excessive chemicals and try to dissolve it. I know weโ€™ve tried it before but letโ€™s give it another shot.โ€ They bring in acids and other corrosives from the neighbouring cities and pour it on the lamp and it successfully dissolves and the wizard disappears. Everyone is amazed and asks the scientist โ€œHow did you know about the extra chemicals?โ€ The bald, black scientist looks at them and says โ€œOh thatโ€™s easy. Moored urn problems require more darn solutions.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/lordoflethargy
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 03 2019
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Guess it belongs here
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/SweetSeagul
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 27 2019
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Did you know you could have your ashes grown into a plant when you die

I'm going to have my ashes grown into an ash tree, with a grave stone that reads "he was dying to be grown this way" and in the back it will read "that pun was a grave mistake"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Benneb10
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 05 2018
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When my cousin Frank died, his body was cremated, and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.

Now he's Frank in stein.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/norrisrw
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 08 2019
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How to catch a bear

First, dig a large hole and fill it with ashes.

Next, line the hole with green peas.

Then when the bear takes a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Shartacuss
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 15 2020
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Thermite be another way to crack this safe.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/supguyyo
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 14 2019
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A man was found crying hysterically between the ashes of a burnt forest

He had lost a deer friend in the wildfire

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/impostorbot
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 07 2019
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I put my dead wife's ashes in the entrance

She will always be adored

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/hotsprings1234
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 28 2019
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Sounds about right
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bentherhino19
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 04 2019
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My friend burned a bible and injected the ashes into his arm

I think it was a mistake to take the Lord's name in vein

Credit: Cyanide and Happiness

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 26 2018
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So I picked up a pretty bad smoking habit...

My son hates it... he always likes to tell me โ€œdad! Stop! Smoking causes cancerโ€... Iโ€™m always disappointed to inform him, โ€œNo son. Smoking causes ashesโ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/JaSuperior
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 26 2020
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Before he died, my grandfatherโ€™s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

Thatโ€™s a lot of pressure.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 50
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 15 2020
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My grandfathers last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

Thatโ€™s a lot of pressure.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 14 2019
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When my father dies he wants his ashes pressed into a record

It's his vinyl request

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 36
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/alliswellinnz
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 13 2020
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My grandfatherโ€™s last wish was that we should convert his ashes into a diamond.

Thatโ€™s a lot of pressure.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 25 2019
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