It needs more Campbell!!
I told her that was excellent.
(This is a true story.)
When he stopped to look at a manhole cover.
"It's a good thing they put this cover here. Otherwise it would be an ash hole."
That’s a lot of pressure.
It's his vinyl request
Now it's a cup of Joe
I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.
That’s a lot of pressure.
You'd turn into Ash .
She urned it.
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
The lamp is then fastened by the sea, just so none of the townsfolk get into trouble. One day, an inquisitive young chap opens the lamp and the wizard starts wreaking havoc upon the town. All the scientists gather and decide to chemically dissolve the lamp. But all the chemicals they have fail to work. They try to burn it, melt it and what not but nothing works. Finally one scientist says “I know exactly what we should do. Pour excessive chemicals and try to dissolve it. I know we’ve tried it before but let’s give it another shot.” They bring in acids and other corrosives from the neighbouring cities and pour it on the lamp and it successfully dissolves and the wizard disappears. Everyone is amazed and asks the scientist “How did you know about the extra chemicals?” The bald, black scientist looks at them and says “Oh that’s easy. Moored urn problems require more darn solutions.”
Now he's Frank in stein.
My friend told me if you mix ash with water you get something acidic I told him "ha that lye"
I'm going to have my ashes grown into an ash tree, with a grave stone that reads "he was dying to be grown this way" and in the back it will read "that pun was a grave mistake"
She will always be adored
He had lost a deer friend in the wildfire
Why don’t you just ash them?
I think it was a mistake to take the Lord's name in vein
Credit: Cyanide and Happiness
Dungeons & Daddies
A D&D real play podcast about four dads from our world transported into the Forgotten Realms and their quest to rescue their sons. Not a BDSM podcast.
Anthony Burch ( from Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin' and Borderlands 2 fame) is the DM (Daddy Master)
I am 6 episodes in and this is the most fun, creative and funniest RPG campaigns.
Give it a try and enjoy!
Their method for hunting polar bears was the most interesting. They would start a fire out on a deep snow bank, and essentially melt a hole in the snow. Once the hole was big enough they would stop feeding it firewood and let it burnout on its own. Once the fire had gone down and was nothing more than smoldering ashes with a little bit of smoke, they would line the edge of the fire pit with snow peas.
All they had to do from there is hide and wait. Once a bear caught scent of the smoke and starts to investigate, the bear would eventually start eating some of the peas. Then they sneak up behind it and kick it in the ash-hole.
Nice ash! You must be very poplar!
I then asked her when I die if she could turn me into a window, so even after I die I can be a pain (pane).
She walked away and said she hates me, but I can tell that she was laughing inside
I wish he'd stop smoking or empty the tray himself.
And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
It's my ash wish.
... does that mean she passes the touring test?
1 - Dig a huge hole, big enough for an elephant.
2 - Light a giant wood fire in the hole and let it burn out completely.
3 - Set peanuts out around the edge of the hole as bait.
4 - When an elephant starts eating the bait, quickly run up behind him and kick him in the ash hole!
Me- have you ever heard of Slader.com
Me- it has the answers for almost every math book made, and it shows the work for the lazy people.
Husband- Well I guess they should call it Ashly Mathison
Husband- ya know..cause they cheat!!!
...for Ash Wednesday.
Frank's mother is sick in the hospital. When Michael says to Uncle Pa Keating, "she's got pneumonia." Uncle Pa replied, "well now that's better than oldmonia"
He's always been a pain in the ash
Someone just pulled that story out of their ash.
Rolling back 40 yrs or so, here's the story I told to my 2nd grade class.
To catch an elephant, you first need to go to the jungle where elephants are found. Then you cut down all the trees in a big circle, and dig a hole out. Put the trees in the hole and burn them down to ashes. Carefully line the edge of the hole with peas.
And when an Elephant comes to take a Pea, you kick him in the Ash-Hole!
Everyone about died. Hell, even the teacher and principal were laughing about it. Dad was amused. Mom was not.
I said "Sssshh! These are my sleeping quarters" and pointed to some change I had on the bedside table. She was stunned, then she groaned and walked out.
Go out in the woods and dig a large hole about 6 or 7 feet deep. Fill it with ashes and put peas around the outside of the it.
When a bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
So wacha do is, you find a clearing or riverbank, and you dig a hole about 4-5 feet deep. In that pit, you make a fire and burn down all the wood til it's all chars and dust. Then you put a hold coin right in the middle of the pit. Then, you find a bush or something to cover yourself with so the leprechaun can't see you. When the leprechaun comes up and bends down to look at the gold, you silently get up and sneak behind him. You run up and while he's distracted...
You kick him in the ash-hole.
Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.
I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.
I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.
You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.
Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s dep... keep reading on reddit ➡
It'll be a big ash eruption.
My grandmother was cremated and we were having a service to pay our respects. I was scared and didn't want to go up to the altar alone so my dad went with me.
We stood there, side by side, and stared in reverent silence at the small simple wooden box which was holding my grandmother's ashes. After a minute or so passed my father bowed slightly, leaning in with what I assumed would be words of wisdom and said, "your grandmother was a lot smaller than I remember."
I had to fight just not to bust out laughing in a room full of mourners.
I was told to cross post this here from an askreddit thread yesterday
They decided to change it though because it was a pine in the ash
When the polar bear comes up to take a P, you kick him in the hole.
Pokémon just has one ash
Because we were about to be ash-tagged blessed
Me: I ain't taking your ash anywhere!
Today a student of mine was wearing a Pikachu onesie for pajama day at work (a junior in h.s.).our conversation went like this. If she wasn't in anime club with me I would have left her alone.
Me: did your wear that so guys would want to take a peek-at-chu?
Student : Mrs. Acinomismonica, please stop
Me: why? You scared they won't choose you?
Student : I'm going to stop talking to you now
Me: don't be such an Ash
Student : Mrs. Acinomismonica, you need to stop!
Me: c'mon student, you gotta Ketchum to my jokes
Enter the rest of my class groaning, it was a good day. Good thing I stopped before they threw Brocks at me.
Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.
Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.
"It's a son of a beech," the beech would say.
"No, it's a son of a birch," the birch would say.
And back and forth they would go.
Well one year, when the sapling was starting to get big and tall, a woodpecker happened to fly along and land on the beech.
The beech, seeing an opportunity to settle this argument once and for all, said, "Hey, woodpecker. I need a favor. I want you to fly over to that young tree there, and tell me whether that tree is a son of a beech or the son of a birch."
Well, the woodpecker not having much else to do said, "Sure thing!" and flew over to the young tree and gave it six good taps.
-tap tap tap-
-tap tap tap-
And flew back.
"Well?" the birch said.
"Well?" the b... keep reading on reddit ➡
They're giant ash-holes.
A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;
Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;
And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;
So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;
There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;
Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;
When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;
He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";
His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;
His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs... keep reading on reddit ➡
when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.
One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overhe... keep reading on reddit ➡
I spent most of my life thinking my uncle was named "Ash" (totally not Ash, but it works for explaining this). Turns out "Ash" was a nickname to describe his hair. His real name was French (totally his actual name, and more common that you'd think). This was because my grandpa liked hearing my uncle say "my name is French," and see the look of confusion of people's faces. My Grandpa was a troll. Rest in peace, you crazy old man.
Me:(holding poplar board) This is one of our biggest sellers
Me: Yep, it's one of our most poplar items!
*cue groans *
Me: Sorry, I feel like I made an ash of myself with that joke. I was just pining for attention.
He was quite the bad Ash.
It was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
So I can out with a bang
Hundreds and Thousands attended the funeral.
His ashes were Sprinkled.
Dig a hole, fill it with ashes, and bait it with peas. When the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
Sitting around a fire pit at a cabin we were staying at last weekend with my wife and some other family.
My wife leans over and wipes a piece of ash off of my jacket, to which I reply:
"You love to tap that ash, don't you?"
It wanted to get off its ash.
While sitting around the campfire on a cool early morning in the Appalachians, I notice a spider web on the campfire ring and point out how much ash it's covered in. My father then proceeds to say, "well it makes sense you know...cause the web comes from his ash." He never disappoints
Dad: "Hey, how's your rash?" Tony Soprano.
Dad: Get it? "Your-ash"
Dad: As in "your a--"
Me: Yeah I got it. Ha ha. Still hurts.
Dad: Should've fallen on your head
Me: I'll remember that next time.
Dad: No you wont
Get a shovel, a bucket of ashes and a pea. Dig a pit and cover the top with the ashes. Place the pea in the middle. Wait.
When the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole
I've honestly heard him tell this over 100 times by now. My Dad always provokes people to ask him how to catch a bear and when he finally gets someone to ask he replies with "You dig a hole and fill it with ashes. Then put peas all around the hole. Then when the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ash-hole" (It sounds better when you say it out loud)
A husband wrote a letter to his wife and it said, "When I die have my body cremated, sprinkle my ashes into Wendy's chili, and eat it so I can tear that ass up one more time."
There are a number of ways to catch a tiger, but following these simple steps will guarantee success:
That’s a lot of pressure.