A list of puns related to "Arrivals"
The lumberjack grinned and said: βAnd you will dialogue.β
The lab clerk says βI thought you wanted a beakers dozen!β
The first person says βI was a doctor, I saved lives.β St. Peter lets him in.
The second person says βI was a teacher, I educated and inspired hundreds of childrenβ. St Peter lets him in.
The third says βI was a musician, I brought joy and beautiful music to many people.β
St. Peter says βok, but youβll have to go around back and come in through the kitchen.β
He said βItβs for Mr Nooneβ you bozo.
Alright r/dadjokes we've been at the hospital for about 16 hours and it's getting close to pushing time.
Would you be kind enough to share your best material for a very soon to be first time father?
....Elderflower.
After all, fare is fowl.
Dad responds: Was it better than The Departed?
She asks "Is this one of those alien movies?"
To which I answer: "No, it was made by humans."
Husband hands me the only thing that's mine (a small 8lb dumbbell) and says "it's really time you carried your own weight around here." I think he's ready for the baby to get here.
The cold shoulder.
"Well I hope you would call the cops if there were"
Come with me if you want to, Liv Tyler.
Sorry, Iβm choco-late.
It was overcast.
He asked the coach, βWhat number shirt am I?β
The coach said βWear four out there, Romeoβ.
That means your time is here
me
Apparently something was afoot.
My time has come
...but then I decided to let it slide.
I replied, 'of course it's thick. Envelopes and pieces of paper do not tend to have a very high IQ'.
On Columbus day
...happy days!
From there, it's all downhill.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
It had more of an Elon Musk.
... so they can beat the crowds!
Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)
The mortician asked the deceasedβs wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit heβs already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says βI donβt care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.β The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, βwhatever this costs Iβm very satisfied, you did an excellent job and Iβm incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?β To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says βthereβs no charge.β Shocked she replies βno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.β βHonestly maβamβ, the mortician says, βit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.β
βIβm a turtle,β he says. βOh... whoβs on your back?β βThatβs Michelle,β he replies.
Amazon Prime
Season's greetings!
When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.
When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.
I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!
Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!
Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!
That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. βThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!β I told her. βCan you answer the door? Iβve been on my feet all dayβ
βYeah,β she replied, less enthusiastic than I,βbut itβll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.β She explained βWhen these machines develop such sentience, whatβs stopping them from overthrowing us?β βTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?β She asked, distraught at theses ideas.
Knock knock
βItβs best not to worry about these things,β I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.
βThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!β βThat future youβre frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.β I explained.
She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. βDonβt think on it now, have some faith!β I told her.
Knock knock
βNow let that sink in!β
Because thereβs no place like ohm.
Leaves
Justin time. (Got it from that tracer voiceline)
They like to beat the crowd!!!!
11.45 : arrived at crime scene
11.45 : Examined body. Signs of struggle
11.45 : Found murder weapon in drain
11.45 : Realised watch was broken
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My son: but this is not a dad joke.
Me : what is a day joke then?
My son : when the joke becomes a(p)parent.
Well, that was dad on arrival.
That's gotta be the fastest time that we have arrived on the crime scene
About Tennish
Long ago there was a village under the sea. In that village lived a collection of fish, lot's of different kinds, along with Ted the strong octopus, and they all lived happily. Near the village, there was a cave whose entrance was blocked by a large stone, and above it, there was an inscription saying βWhen real danger arrives, open the cave, and you will all be savedβ.
One day the village was attacked by a shoal of piranhas. The fish rush to the cave and try to push the boulder aside, but it is too large for them, so they go to Ted the strong octopus to ask for help, but Ted says βNo, this danger is not big enough for us to need the cave, we will be fine without it.β. The fish begged and argued, but there was no convincing Ted, so they had to fight the piranhas without whatever was in the cave, and against all odds, they managed to defeat them with minimal losses, and all agreed that Ted was right.
After a fair bit of time, the village was attacked again by a bed of moray eels. Again the fish rushed to the cave to try to push the boulder aside, and again they failed, for it was too large for them, so they rush to Ted to ask for help. βNo,β Ted said again βthis danger is not as big as you think it is. We will manage just fine without the contents of the cave. Leave that for a bigger threat.β. And so the fish asked and begged, Ted, told them that all 8 of his hands were tied, he wouldn't help with moving the boulder, so they ended up fighting the morays, and to everyone's surprise, they actually managed to save the village. All again reluctantly agreed that although a deus ex machina would have been good, they didn't end up needing one.
Time passed and life was normal in the village until a Shiver of Sharks was spotted in the distance. Everyone panicked, and, knowing that they couldn't move the boulder alone, they rushed to Ted. βAgain, the danger is not big enough, we will survive,β said Ted, and no matter what they did they couldn't change his mind, so they all rushed to the boulder in a desperate attempt to move it. As they were giving up, a very old fish that everyone trusted said βDo not worry, for Ted is wise, and he knows when the danger is real, and he knows when to use the contents of the cave. Have faith that if he says we will be fine, we will survive this, and when octopush comes to shove, the cave will open.β.
Because everyone knows the first rule of writing is βshow, donβt tellβ
He had to walk ten miles north to the nearest town. By the time he arrived he was famished, so he ran to the nearest diner and asked for the quickest meal possible. The server arrives and gives him a plate that was meant for a delivery, the rabbi eats most of the food and after heβs finished he realizes he didnβt know what he ate. Scared, he asks the server βIs this pork?β The server says βNo, iss lamb.β
"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".
Looks like the boa cons tricked her...
Mi auw
Planet. And when the guests arrive, rocket.
When he arrives she says βIβve decided what I want for dinner.β
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, βThe Colour of Magicβ, Prologue.
The lumberjack grinned, βAnd you will dialogue!"
Which he responded and you will dialogue!
"Tennish" RIP Sir Sean.
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