A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, β€œWait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said: β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 842
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers for a new experiment he’s been working on, and the lab clerk hands him 13 upon his arrival. β€œ13?”, the scientist asks, β€œI wanted a dozen!”

The lab clerk says β€œI thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ErectAnarchy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
At the pearly gates, Saint Peter asks new arrivals what they did for a living...

The first person says β€œI was a doctor, I saved lives.” St. Peter lets him in.

The second person says β€œI was a teacher, I educated and inspired hundreds of children”. St Peter lets him in.

The third says β€œI was a musician, I brought joy and beautiful music to many people.”

St. Peter says β€œok, but you’ll have to go around back and come in through the kitchen.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a guy waiting at airport arrivals with a sign. I said why are you standing there with a sign that says β€œNo one”? ....

He said β€œIt’s for Mr Noone” you bozo.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Trying to speed my coworkers arrival up
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/methstablished
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Firstborn Arrival Imminent

Alright r/dadjokes we've been at the hospital for about 16 hours and it's getting close to pushing time.

Would you be kind enough to share your best material for a very soon to be first time father?

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Christophilies
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
🚨︎ report
This is the newest arrival....we’ve called her Poppy, and this is my middle daughter Rose and this is our first daughter who we call....

....Elderflower.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A man with a chicken takes a cab to the airport. Upon arrival, the cabbie insisted on taking the chicken as payment for the ride.

After all, fare is fowl.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Told my dad I just finished watching Arrival and that he should watch it too.

Dad responds: Was it better than The Departed?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SmoothestGooch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Sat down to watch arrival with my wife...

She asks "Is this one of those alien movies?"

To which I answer: "No, it was made by humans."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/readitour
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Clearing all the weights/workout things from the Nursery to prepare for the baby's arrival

Husband hands me the only thing that's mine (a small 8lb dumbbell) and says "it's really time you carried your own weight around here." I think he's ready for the baby to get here.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jennare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
🚨︎ report
What did the cannibal wife give her cannibal husband when he arrived home late?

The cold shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lonewolff7798
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife arrived for an appointment and texted me "There's no body here!"

"Well I hope you would call the cops if there were"

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/red3biggs
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Terminator say to Arwen after he arrived in Middle-earth?

Come with me if you want to, Liv Tyler.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oneiroknots
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the confectionery bar say when they didn’t arrive on time to the β€œintroduce yourself” seminar?

Sorry, I’m choco-late.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/herewithh
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2021
🚨︎ report
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...

It was overcast.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
David Beckham’s son arrived for football training.

He asked the coach, β€œWhat number shirt am I?”

The coach said β€œWear four out there, Romeo”.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calla89
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
If a clock you ordered arrived in the mail,

That means your time is here

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pro-Do
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Text me when you've arrived

me

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Sherlock and Watson arrived on the scene of a murder and the only clue was a measuring tape pulled out to exactly 12 inches.

Apparently something was afoot.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kesavadh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
When you order a clock online and it arrives

My time has come

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Redmaxdog1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
When we arrived at the playground, I realised my son secretly brought the cat with him. I was about to be angry at him...

...but then I decided to let it slide.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend told me that a very thick letter had arrived for me.

I replied, 'of course it's thick. Envelopes and pieces of paper do not tend to have a very high IQ'.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
When did Christopher Columbus arrive in the USA?

On Columbus day

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Transitionals
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I have very fond memories of my dad arriving home, wearing his white t-shirt, black leather jacket, giving me the thumbs up, and saying 'Ayyyy'...

...happy days!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kublakhan1977
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I enjoyed hiking up mountains, until I arrived at the top.

From there, it's all downhill.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My new Tesla arrived yesterday and didn’t have a new car smell...

It had more of an Elon Musk.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grepadil
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?

... so they can beat the crowds!

Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Row199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.

β€œI’m a turtle,” he says. β€œOh... who’s on your back?” β€œThat’s Michelle,” he replies.

πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Safazz146
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What transformer is made out of cardboard box and arrives in two days?

Amazon Prime

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommygunz20
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the haunted spice cabinet say when December arrived?

Season's greetings!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iiNexius
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a new-build house!

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. β€œThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. β€œCan you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

β€œYeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,β€œbut it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained β€œWhen these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” β€œTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

β€œIt’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

β€œThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” β€œThat future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. β€œDon’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

β€œNow let that sink in!”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/olemonheado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the electrician happy to arrive at his house after work?

Because there’s no place like ohm.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What does fall do when it arrives?

Leaves

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Innarhythm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy who always arrives on time

Justin time. (Got it from that tracer voiceline)

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eily146
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
do you know why police like to arrive early at riots?

They like to beat the crowd!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A detective arrives

11.45 : arrived at crime scene

11.45 : Examined body. Signs of struggle

11.45 : Found murder weapon in drain

11.45 : Realised watch was broken

.

.

.

.

.

My son: but this is not a dad joke.

Me : what is a day joke then?

My son : when the joke becomes a(p)parent.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Follow up to any dad joke...

Well, that was dad on arrival.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ageejas1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the cop say when he crashed his car in the tree?

That's gotta be the fastest time that we have arrived on the crime scene

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
🚨︎ report
What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

About Tennish

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmartass1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The village under the sea

Long ago there was a village under the sea. In that village lived a collection of fish, lot's of different kinds, along with Ted the strong octopus, and they all lived happily. Near the village, there was a cave whose entrance was blocked by a large stone, and above it, there was an inscription saying β€œWhen real danger arrives, open the cave, and you will all be saved”.

One day the village was attacked by a shoal of piranhas. The fish rush to the cave and try to push the boulder aside, but it is too large for them, so they go to Ted the strong octopus to ask for help, but Ted says β€œNo, this danger is not big enough for us to need the cave, we will be fine without it.”. The fish begged and argued, but there was no convincing Ted, so they had to fight the piranhas without whatever was in the cave, and against all odds, they managed to defeat them with minimal losses, and all agreed that Ted was right.

After a fair bit of time, the village was attacked again by a bed of moray eels. Again the fish rushed to the cave to try to push the boulder aside, and again they failed, for it was too large for them, so they rush to Ted to ask for help. β€œNo,” Ted said again β€œthis danger is not as big as you think it is. We will manage just fine without the contents of the cave. Leave that for a bigger threat.”. And so the fish asked and begged, Ted, told them that all 8 of his hands were tied, he wouldn't help with moving the boulder, so they ended up fighting the morays, and to everyone's surprise, they actually managed to save the village. All again reluctantly agreed that although a deus ex machina would have been good, they didn't end up needing one.

Time passed and life was normal in the village until a Shiver of Sharks was spotted in the distance. Everyone panicked, and, knowing that they couldn't move the boulder alone, they rushed to Ted. β€œAgain, the danger is not big enough, we will survive,” said Ted, and no matter what they did they couldn't change his mind, so they all rushed to the boulder in a desperate attempt to move it. As they were giving up, a very old fish that everyone trusted said β€œDo not worry, for Ted is wise, and he knows when the danger is real, and he knows when to use the contents of the cave. Have faith that if he says we will be fine, we will survive this, and when octopush comes to shove, the cave will open.”.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skilopsaros
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do authors always arrive unannounced?

Because everyone knows the first rule of writing is β€œshow, don’t tell”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Westerfield
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A rabbi’s car broke down

He had to walk ten miles north to the nearest town. By the time he arrived he was famished, so he ran to the nearest diner and asked for the quickest meal possible. The server arrives and gives him a plate that was meant for a delivery, the rabbi eats most of the food and after he’s finished he realizes he didn’t know what he ate. Scared, he asks the server β€œIs this pork?” The server says β€œNo, iss lamb.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WavesNVibrations
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...

"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

Looks like the boa cons tricked her...

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the cat say when he arrived in China?

Mi auw

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yovinio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you organise a party in space?

Planet. And when the guests arrive, rocket.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomecorearts
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is sick in the hospital. Doctors tell her she only has days to live. She summons for her husband because she has something important to tell him. He rushes to the hospital.

When he arrives she says β€œI’ve decided what I want for dinner.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dano558
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.

This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

Joke by Terry Pratchett, β€˜The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WatashiStickKid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
So Poland's dealing with a surge in the number of the novel coronavirus cases. Can we say that the Winged HusSARS arrived?
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Niggociable
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, β€œWait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, β€œAnd you will dialogue!"

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut down a tree upon arrival he started cutting down trees until one tree shouted wait I'm a talking tree

Which he responded and you will dialogue!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xavierestes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What time does Sean Connery typically arrive at Wimbledon?

"Tennish" RIP Sir Sean.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Corpsman223
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report

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