Hooters arise!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toofgib
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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I dreamed I met a long snake-like fish who had been knighted by the queen.

It was Sir Eel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zenpod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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Not really a dad joke but...

I will ask people where they like to get a good burger, usual suspects arise and I ask them if they've ever had 5 guys.

They'll respond oh yeah their burgers are great!

I'll respond with when was the last time you did 5 guys?

They'll say oh a couple weeks ago...

I'll say were you sore after?!? Then give it 3 seconds before they get it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterPenishood
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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I have a reputation amongst my friends for cheesy dad jokes this one is the one I'm most proud of.

So I cut my hand quite badly and had to go to get stitches.

The doctor's sewing me up and I remember an old joke that I swore I'd use should the oppurtunity ever arise.

I says "Doc, when this heals up am I gonna be able to play the piano?"

Doctor says "Of course."

I say "that's odd I wasn't able to play the piano before."

The doctor then sets me up for a little improv, he laughs politely and says "funny"

I say "Doc! I'm funny? You've got me in stitches."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BruceWaynesWorld
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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Perks of being a Dog

A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......

..

..

..

..

A dog is like a β€œPOLITICIAN”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ammabmma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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Girlfriend works at a Dermatology Clinic, this just happened

Her boss, the head doctor, wasn't in a good mood this morning so I say:

Me: "Hopefully she doesn't get under your skin too much."

Her: "Oh that was awful. Really got me skin deep there."

Me: "Yeah I was a little rash with that word choice, but I'm not even sorry. Hopefully atopic better than this will arise."

Her: "groans over text"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcm93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2015
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