My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...

"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My son asked me what the difference was between horsepower and torque. I explained that horsepower is often more expensive the greater the amount...

...whereas torque is cheap.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat I’ve been eating

But I’m not about to quit cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dollex69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
There are 2 types of people: 1) people who make inferences over low amounts of information

Get it?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LightningClone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My town throws a festival for the salmon spawn each year. This is what they call companies that contribute a significant amount of money.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBrontosaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking

So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theleowest
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount".

The possibilities are: end, less.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a job watching hourglasses just to check if the correct amount of time was passing for them.

But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.

Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.

"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.

"Yeah? What?" She responded.

"Was that you?" I called back.

After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"

I could not stop laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnotm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Listening to sonic heroes makes me want to destroy a certain amount of robots

I wanna crush 40 robots.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample

I told him it was the least I could doo

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclerudy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend got mad at the amount of bananas I bought

I don't understand why, she asked for a bunch.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notathrowaway2937
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc.

The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Good_Creeper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do military bases have such little amounts of insects?

Because they are strict no-fly zones.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/minecraftepic420
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the max amount of toilet paper you can have?

A butt load.

From my pops. He’s very proud.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kentuckywisdom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
No one will ever make a successful video game about running a coffee shop.

Gamers would never put up with the amount of grinding required.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/overachievingogre
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
How did the Grinch know to average all of the presents he stole, so that each Who in Whoville got the same amount returned to them?

He’s a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saetric
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the cops that found large amounts of weed hidden in a bra?

Apparently, it was their biggest bust

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A man was walking along a stream..

... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.

Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.

He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.

His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.

Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.

This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.

The moral of this story?

Don't judge a brook by it's clover.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
The amount of fun I had while reading this is astronomical
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nerooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I rememeber when my teacher said I'll never amount to anything in life

He was right. I am now unemployed making jokes on Reddit

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Energetically17
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Judge threw the book at her
πŸ‘︎ 258
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loot98
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Lately my wife has become increasingly frustrated with the amount of geriatric patients she’s been seeing...

It’s getting old

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tico46
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Quick aside. If admiral ackbar contracted a minnow-scule amount of salmon-ella poisson-ing while tuna-ing his guitar on his carp-et, would he instead need to use his bass tonight?
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joker-here
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
One of my coworkers said today is her thirty second birthday.

I asked her how she could possibly get anything done in such a short amount of time.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do people never admit to being just the right amount of whelmed?
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
$52.95 is an oddly specific amount of money...

But $52.94 is an evenly specific amount of money

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThoseMovieGuys
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The amount of work put into this must have been TIREing
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yashT19
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What do Canadians say when they see a large amount of coffee?

That’s a lot, eh

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RyanRebalkin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
The amount of cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrots divided by the volume of the Mayo.

That’s Cole’s Law.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Tater tots that you put aside for a small amount of time become later tots

But if you forget about them too long, they become tater rots...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrewsTravelers365
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do old people constantly play golf?

So they can lower their amount of strokes

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
More name woes...
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slipstreme
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The amount of wind in Chicago really...

Blows me away.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClickedRandomly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the short mother only paid the smallest amount legally allowed?

Cause she was on mini-mum wage

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M0NTEA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My family said I'd never amount to anything, but then I discovered the secret to invisibility.

If only they could see me now.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
All Chemistry exam questions contain trace amounts of the element of surprise.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ablufia
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report

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