I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.

This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

Joke by Terry Pratchett, β€˜The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatashiStickKid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel's hair isn't chopped off at the end.

They're calling it the Uncut Edition.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geodude532
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a vegan activist in my neighborhood; she's been replacing everyone's dairy milk with alternatives.

I soya do it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexdavidwright
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
In an alternate universe, instead of asking for whatever he touches to be gold, Midas just asked for his jokes to be made extremely hilarious.

Everything was comedy gold.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrammerTheGamer
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
An Alternative To Trump's Wall
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/douglasses2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad banned me from saying "Hell", so I asked: "Have you thought of any alternative names for hell?"

He said: "I heaven't"

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/getroastednibba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
🚨︎ report
The alternate endgame ending

Thanos: I am inevitable. Iron man: Hi inevitable I’m dad.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diamondsarefun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
In an alternate universe, there’s probably a sentient kitchen wash basin knocking at your front door. Let that sink in,
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Betamax-86
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire.

Beets the alternative.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said β€œI’ve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earth”. The Angel said β€œWhat are you going to do now?” ...

β€œOh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
If you go into the bathroom an American, and you leave the bathroom an American, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoopsrule44
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Professor dint have this planned

Me: I am planning to start a cider business She: any alternative plans if it doesn't work out? Me: I haven't decidered yet!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Though not a perfect solution, cryogenic storage could be an alternative to capital punishment.

It has it’s frozen cons.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MotoFuzzle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I suddenly couldn't go out and act because I received lots of crates of materials...

I had stage freight.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
For the past year, I’ve been going out drinking alternating between my friend Greg one week and my other friend Ian the next week.

I’m on a Greg-or-Ian calendar.

πŸ‘︎ 407
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
🚨︎ report
An alternate world where it's illegal to make or even touch puns. Punsmiths are protesting against this.

There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buttsecks42069
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
An alternative to dormant volcano reddit.com/r/CrazyIdeas/c…
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DBrownGames
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative.

It sure is hard to keep lit though.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My car only runs every other day.

I think it might be the alternator.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call Indiana Jones in an alternate universe where he can’t die?

Indie-structible

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNinjaShadows
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
The Alternative Name for Mechagodzilla reddit.com/user/tomfriel/…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomfriel
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm trying to come up with an alternative name for a cash machine

But I can't think of one ATM.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toffeeman_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
"Have you considered using an alternative name for Hell?"

"I Heaven't"

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jotthisdown98
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
🚨︎ report
She gave me a BJ with some alternative rock playing in the background

I guess you can say I got some Radiohead

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diego_godean
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
🚨︎ report
An alternate title for Crazy Train could be

'Loco' Motive

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redstarre
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Whats an alternative name for the jedi

Force-kin

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saucee-boi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using nails or screws as fasteners.

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeyRobot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
🚨︎ report
There's a fine line between alternating current and direct current...

AC/DC

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Our friends Ian and Greg are not talking to each other, so we alternately invite them to our social events.

We are on a Greg or Ian calendar.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Helen Keller walks into a bar...

then a table, then a chair

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/t00punkt0fuck
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call alternative medicine that actually works?

Medicine

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shinokiba-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I think the debate of Nikola Tesla's origin is currently alternating.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nerdfighter8842
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you know that an alternate version of the Harry Potter story exists where he is never a wizard?

In that version, Harry is a simpleton stable boy who assists Hagrid in repairing hollow straw vessels that Hagrid makes as a hobby, but which are bound to break pretty quick. So he's basically a hay re-potter.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLastJoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I tried
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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Do You know what they call alternative medicine that has been proven to work via research, experimentation, and double-blind clinical trials?

Regular medicine.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeowMixSong
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2017
🚨︎ report
My daughter: Catching on to both dad jokes and great 90's alternative music!

We were listening to Pearl Jam's "Alive" in the car this evening. She pipes up out of nowhere:

"Q: What does Eddie Vedder wear to bed?"

"A: Pearl Jammies"

She's 12. I'm proud.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doubletwist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Best alternative to roflcopter imgur.com/a/FQTzq
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fieryeskimo351
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Alternative name for a polar bear

Frostbite

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XtremeHacker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Do you need a current driver's license to drive an electric car
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Alternate name for Spider-Man.

Peter Parkour.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Domthehuman1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Would evil alternate-universe Spiderman be a bad parallel parker?
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kazhiim
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
🚨︎ report
Why did the computer catch a cold?

Because somebody left the windows open all night

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xSlayerz2559
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can't you run through a campsite? (Alternate ending)

Because the stakes are too high

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrHolshi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2016
🚨︎ report
polynomials (algebraic expressions) are not to be confused with poly gnome meals (food for plastic gnomes)
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tananar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
If Republicans try to push through a bill related to the keystone pipeline, they should call it the Gasoline Alternative Source act

Because I want to hear a news anchor say "Today republicans tried to pass G.A.S., but Obama blocked the move with a veto."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notiesitdies
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
🚨︎ report
I ordered some Yugioh cards from a store called Alternate Universes...

My dad saw the envelope and said "Alternate Universes? That postage must have been really expensive!"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kona_worldwaker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
🚨︎ report
If you bring back Australian gold from an alternate universe.

You have AU AU Au.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mind-lux
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2017
🚨︎ report
"would you like to join our society against the use of puns and for the use of alternative protein sources?"

"no whey."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatcage
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Owl find out the perpitrator sir.
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeadedPumpkin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a butcher’s favorite knight?

Sir loin

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spaghettimoan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?

Nice to meat β€” ew!

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bad_brazilian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Daughter (After watching scary movie) : Daddy Daddy what would you do if I dropped down dead in front of you ?

Me : Hmmmmm, I'd clean the knife.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/veryoldhippy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Alternate Interstellar Ending (spoilers)

http://gfycat.com/QuarterlyWhiteBedbug

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phernoree
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2015
🚨︎ report
Then God said to John "Come forth and receive eternal life"

He came fifth and won a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ryuushinng
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Your my wonder wall
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EC097
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Said hello to a guy with really small hands

What a microwave

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pzdo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2017
🚨︎ report
Bob takes a stroll while talking about an old shoot 'em up

Yeah, he's a walking Contra-diction.

Alternative for the logic nerds:

Bob is always honest, and he says he doesn't like shoot 'em ups. His identical twin Joe says he loves shoot 'em ups. How do we know Joe is honest? Because if something is true, then so is its Contra-positive.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IceMetalPunk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I started lifting with only dictionaries

I wanted to add definition to my muscles

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lady_Respecter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a punk band full of dads.

Pop punk.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onthedown_lough
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
🚨︎ report
A List of Puns (and other excuses for good humor)

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/U2BURR
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw knee care tips on YouTube and I was like...

I kneed to try this

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeputySouls
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do dogs go to buy used items?

At the PAWn shop

Alternatively: The FLEA market

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no shins?
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Algernon21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call four Mexicans drowning?

Cuatro cinco.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GStar321
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me why I always talk so much crap

I told her poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they are definitely a solid number two

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gooncraw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve been arguing with my friend about whether Electro is a DC villain

My friend is convinced that he’s direct current, but I think that his power uses alternating current instead

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pacos-ego
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do horses like to hang out?

In their neigh-bourhood

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SteelApple
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
🚨︎ report
I need a motivational manatee pun

Or alternatively a happy birthday manatee pun? Anyone?

Edit: pic here http://imgur.com/BPGZ47F

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/retallicka
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2018
🚨︎ report
What is a judges and lawyers favorite jewelry?

Courts.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I told my dad GoPro was coming out with a cheap less advanced camera so we could afford it...

his reply: what are they calling it, go amateur?

πŸ‘︎ 348
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nanananana-batman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2014
🚨︎ report
My wife said she needs space to recover.

I suggested she needs to alternate, control and delete.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the gravestone say to the dead man?

"Your death is written in stone"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThunderAlex2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
🚨︎ report
De Niro, De Faro
πŸ‘︎ 156
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nate223
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2014
🚨︎ report
I used to have a job at a calendar factory

Got fired because I took a few of days off

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KappaKeppa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Don’t let your meat loaf.

Alternatively, don’t let your hotdog stand.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/localglocal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Mi in the bar
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jlw2001
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2017
🚨︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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I prefer dairy-based protein powders

I think they're whey better than the alternatives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evadguitar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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What did God say when he created a 24 hour period of alternating day and night?

Call it a day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxfordthethird
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, β€œwhat are you going to do now?”

God said, β€œI think I’m going to call it a day.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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