What do alcoholic horses drink?

Chardonhay... πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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The government started banning alcoholic drinks, so I'm selling liquor in secret.

It's a Whisky business

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RevanAndTheSithy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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My friends and I were discussing about different kinds of alcoholic drinks, and this guy kept talking about a Japanese one

just for the Sake of it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coconutbunch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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What is the alcoholic outdoorsman’s favorite drink?

Oxygen

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πŸ‘€︎ u/purpcicle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m alcoholic

But when I drink Fanta, no one says I’m fantastic...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/math-pro
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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When someone drinks alcohol, people call the alcoholic, when someone drinks Fanta, no one calls them fantastic.

This isn't my joke, I just thought it deserves to be on r/puns

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vVeemo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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I need a pun

Idk if this fits this sub, but I'm planning a Halloween costume and just need a punny name for it.

I'm going to wear timberland boots, camo cargo pants, an olive/brown/green/earth t-shirt, aviator sunglasses, and get a beer bandolier.

I need a solider/army/military + beer/alcohol/drinking pun to name the costume. Any suggestions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lcg32195
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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Drinking alcohol removes pimples.

Not from me, but from other people.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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I noticed my wife was drinking a lot, so I took all the alcohol in the house away from her.

She wined all night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Legalize-Diapers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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A new study is showing surprising advances in primate evolution: Dr. Thomas Ink, a researcher in southern Africa has found certain groups of apes 'brewing' alcohol by leaving old fruit to stand in water pools then drinking from it and becoming inebriated.

Dr. Ink has dubbed these 'Monkey Bars'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pparten
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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Why don’t the Amish drink alcohol?

Because they’re always on the wagon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Loamawayfromloam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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As a struggling dry alcoholic, I had a few dreams where I didn't give in to drinking last night

It was surreal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ccrosssss
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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Why do mosquitoes prefer to drink alcohol instead of blood?

Because it gives them a nice buzzzzzzz

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NietRickBroers
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2017
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What kind of alcohol does Luke Skywalker drink?

Qui-Gon Gin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marktwain6522
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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Why does 5 o'clock not drink alcohol?

Because it's 17.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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How do mountain climbers like to drink their alcohol?

On the rocks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eleventhearlofmar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
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β€œI just don’t understand people who drink wine without alcohol.”

β€œWell that’s just grape.

Juice.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majojamo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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What do you call a country full of naked, alcohol drinking bears who sleep in winter and live on a mountain?

Hibearnation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/edtdir
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2017
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Four Worms and a lesson

A Southern minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."

"...but it’s worth a shot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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Somebody should market a beer called β€œOccasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, β€œI only drink occasionally”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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My grandfather is 85 and he still doesn’t need glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2018
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I'm at a bar on Halloween and one of the bar tenders it's wearing a hardhat, coveralls, and goggles...

I ponted at him and shouted "he can't be here, he's a miner!" My friend acctually covered his face in shame.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PolarBear89
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2015
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I've gone without booze for a week.

It's been a sobering experience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NonDripRises
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2014
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A pail o' puns!

1. What is the most important drink in life?

Vitali-tea.

2. What do you call an uptight man with wet tapestry?

A wet blanket with a wet blanket.

3. Describe an uptight man with an erection holding an alcoholic beverage.

A stiff with a stiff with a stiff.

4. What do you call introverted window blinds?

A shutter-in.

5. What do you call an uncooked deer cookie?

Dat doe dough 'dough.

6. What do you call a plant's religion?

Agri-culture.

7. What do you call a football players' phone charger?

A Charger's phone charger.

8. What do you call a clock tower striking twelve?

High noon.

That's all I got.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StickDemonic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2016
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What did Descartes say after not showering for a week?

"I stink, therefore, I am."

Alternatively: what did Descartes say after becoming an alcoholic? "I drink, therefore, I am."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/F-YR-F
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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Dadjoked my English teacher

Short story we're reading is about an alcoholic.

Teacher begins by saying: "Drink responsibly, I only drink on special occasions (jokingly)."

Me: "Is your favorite drink a Tequila Mockingbird?"

insert class groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AGMarasco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2014
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Alabama, Animals, and Alcohol

There is a law in Tuscaloosa, Alabama making it illegal to give/feed an animal alcohol. So I guess the saying is true, "you can lead a horse to [a] water[ing hole], but you can't make him drinks."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacob87
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2017
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My husband dadjoked his college class.

He teaches a class where students were doing book reports. One had done one on Stephen King's Doctor Sleep, the sequel to The Shining. The student mentioned that the main character, Danny Torrence is now an alcoholic, and from the back of the room husband goes, "Does he drink red rum?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaberkaty
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2016
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Designated Driver

I'm not usually one for bars, but since the smoking ban in Illinois, they're not so bad. I'm not much of a drinker either, but this one place in particular offers free soft drinks for designated drivers of groups of three or more. You have to get them from a location separate from the bartender. You declare yourself upon entering the place, then your hand is marked, and from that point, you're not allowed alcohol, but you get the free soft drinks.

Their specialty is their own brand of a mixed fruit drink that's really good. It's popular enough that you're usually standing behind six or seven people to wait your turn. So, Saturday night, while I'm waiting for mine, this cute blonde walks up behind me. I figured I'd try to be witty and asked her, "Can I buy you a drink?"

She scowled at me with, "Well aren't you the funny one?"

"What's with the attitude?" I asked her.

"Sorry," she said. "It's them." And she thumbed toward a table with (would you believe it?) a brunette and a redhead.

"Why?" I asked. "What'd they do?"

"I'm just getting sick of it," she said. "Every time we come here, it's always me in the punch line."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myntrith
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
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My boss dropped this one at our team meeting.

We have a 10 minute safety/health segment before each meeting, and one of the suggestions in the presentation was to reduce alcohol intake.

My boss, about a colleague who loves his drink but recently had liver issues -

"Yeah, Dave doesn't drink anymore...he just doesn't drink any less." WINK

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haskens
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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Dad bought me some new mouthwash...

"Don't drink it, it's alcohol-free!"

welp thanks for the tip, wise guy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/r3sal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2015
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'cause it's Ginger Ale, get it

My parents and I moved from the USA to Canada when I was a kid and we've lived there ever since. My father recently quit drinking alcohol, and when asked about it, he likes to say: "I drank up all that they had in America, so now I'm drinking Canada Dry."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ludwigvanbiteme
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
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tag-teamed by my parents and brand names during the holidays

I looked in the fridge to start helping my mom bake pies for family dinner.

Me: "Dad, when did you start drinking alcoholic root beer?"

Dad: "It's not mine."

Mom: "He got that for you, because it's not your father's root beer."

Dad: "The Dad's root beer is mine though, so don't touch it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cdubsky
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2015
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FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CampConcentration
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
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I'm fairly certain my grandpa is planning on dropping a dad joke on his AA group for his 37th anniversary...

He told us last night that he'll be asked his secret for success this morning.

He says at age 82 and after 37 alcohol-free years, the secret is fairly simple:

"Don't drink, and don't die."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gingysnap
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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A man walks into the doctor's office and says "Doc, I want to live to be 90"

Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "Smoke marijuana?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "Do any other drugs or partying?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "Fool around with a lot of loose women?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "...what to you want to live to 90 for?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FemmClandango
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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"No more, no less"

Alcoholic goes to the doctor, who tells the man he can't drink anymore. A week later, the man's brother sees him in a bar drinking and says, "I thought the doctor said not to drink any more?"

The man responds, "Yeah, no more, no less."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToothMan22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2016
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My dad texted me this one today.

When I drink alcohol everyone says I'm an alcoholic, but when I drink Fanta nobody says I'm fantastic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/talkingchimney9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2015
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My father dropped this one during my birthday dinner today.

So if I drink alcohol all day that means I'm alcoholic, right?

I guess drinking Fanta everyday means that I'm pretty fantastic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fokken_Prawns_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
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